Weird.
I open it. There’s no message, just a repost of a reel from someone named @LaurenLuvRose.
I click on it, and a video starts playing.
In it, Lauren—Hope’s Lauren—is sitting in an airy flat holding up a glossyRomance of the Seabrochure.
“Hey girlies!” she says. “Lordy Lordy, do I have an update. So you know we’re always on a quest to find the most eligible bachelors in the land, right? Well, I have a new idea, and I think it might be my best one yet. Have you heard of luxury cruises? You know, the elegant kind where they serve food on fine china and give you a butler and sail to paradise? Well, guess what else they tend to have? An older clientele. Awell-heeledolder clientele that includes many lonely singles.”
She winks. “So guess what? I’m leaving for one in two weeks. The ship is called theRomance of the Sea, so how could I not fall in love? I’m going with my bestie and we are going to find us some wealthy husbands, babydoll!” A picture of theRomancesailing pops up above her head, and “Gold Digger” by Kanye West starts playing.
“Follow my journey!” Lauren says. “I’ll share all my tips for beguiling single gentlemen of means at sea. And wish us luck!”
The fuck?
They’re here to meet rich husbands?
This must be a joke.
I click on Lauren’s account and see that she’s been posting furiously the whole time we’ve been on the cruise. Every post has tens of thousands of likes.
There’s one of her posing seductively in front of the pool in her swim kit. The caption reads: “Aquacise might sound boring, but it’s a great way to get just the right kind of attention. Men love a hot girl bouncing in the water.” It’s followed by a multitude of smiling devil emojis, followed by a multitude of splash emojis.
Okay, this can’t be real. It’s so over-the-top it’s parody. Lauren is obviously playing a prank.
And here I am falling for it, same as always.
I’m about to wake up Hope to tell her I’ve almost been had.
But there’s so many more posts that it gives me pause. I keep scrolling.
I scan over Lauren in revealing gym clothes, remarking that outdoor sports are a great way of finding fit men. Beach selfies and sunset selfies, with makeup and styling tutorials tagged to various brands, all of them with tips for looking your most attractive when on the hunt for “eligible suitors,” which seems to be Lauren’s code for rich guys. The “snagging” of which appears to be Lauren’sentirepurpose.
Hope mentioned Lauren was an influencer, but she conveniently did not mention this.
And then I see a photo of Hope.
She’s in the outfit she wore the day of the cooking class, making eyes at the camera. There’s a caption: “My girl going out to snag a man looking smashing in #DiorCruise #ad.
What?
It’s one thing for Lauren to make a mockery of herself online.
But Hope? Hope is asponsored poston an account aboutluring rich husbands?
This can’t be real. It can’t.
I scan faster, looking for Hope’s face. Praying I don’t find it again.
But a few posts down there she is. She’s lying in bed in a turquoise and gold-printed caftan and dark sunglasses, looking impossibly glamorous. The caption reads: “Bestie had a bout of seasickness, but her cruise beau came to her aid in the most romantic of ways. Never underestimate the power of needing rescue. Brings out a man’s desire to be a knight in shining armor.” #romanceofthesea #versace #ad
The nausea sets in. I keep going.
And then I see my own bloody face.
It’s a video of me and Hope singing “Wuthering Heights” at karaoke. It’s overlaid with text reading: “It’s official! Bestie is in a shipmance with a HOT ENGLISH LORD. Can you even??? This has potential. Let’s root for their happily ever after!” #romanceofthesea #ad
I feel like I’ve been kicked in the stomach.
