One of the problems with almost never being earnest in public is that you fail to develop a graceful way to be sincere.
Other people seem to be able to express poignant sentiments without awkwardness. They can say, for example, “Wow, what a cute baby,” or “That piece of music was very moving,” and not want to throw themselves off a cliff. But people like me—people who are more comfortable treating life like everything’s a low-key punch line—become flustered when forced to acknowledge we experience human emotions. We don’t have the muscles to pivot back to normalcy. Instead, we dangle in the excruciating vulnerability.
Like I am now, after admitting my addiction to lullabies. My heart is racing, and my cheeks are so hot it feels like I’m having an allergic reaction.
Gloria’s friend Mona puts a hand on my arm. “That was such a beautiful story. It makes me want to call my mom and tell her how much I love her.”
Oh, God, make it stop.
“Yeah,” I sputter. “Thanks.”
No one else speaks, but everyone is looking at me.
I put my phone up in front of my bright red, miserable face. “I’ll text you my playlist, Glor,” I say.
A text comes in while I’m fumbling with the app.
Seth:Can you send me the playlist too?
I look up at him over the edge of the phone and he’s smiling at me, like he’s sending me emotional support with his eyes.
Ugh, I hate how well he knows me.
Molly:Why, are you pregnant?
Seth:Yes.
I pop the URL into the text thread.
Molly:Here ya go. Mazel tov
“Who’s ready for cake?” Elle asks.
Not I. I’m baby-showered out. I wish I had an excuse to leave.
Seth stands up. “I actually can’t stay,” he says apologetically. “I’ve got to get to the airport. I’m just going to change and then call a car.”
Don’t let him get away,a desperate voice in my brain wails.
I jump up. “Wait. Don’t do that. It’s so… expensive. I’ll drive you.”
Once again everyone looks at me. It is a rare Angeleno who impulsively volunteers to brave LAX traffic. To do so when one is on the Eastside, an hour away at this time of day, is unheard of.
But part of me already misses him. Regrets we didn’t get a chance to catch up. Regrets blowing him off in a fit of panic however many months ago.
“I’m meeting friends for an early dinner in Venice, so I need to head that way soon anyway,” I lie.
“Are you sure it isn’t out of your way?” Seth asks.
“Nope. Go ahead and get changed. I’ll meet you out front.”
I give Gloria and Emily big kisses and make my way around the table, saying my goodbyes.
Eliana grabs my arm as I reach the door to the kitchen.
“Wait,” she whispers. “Is something going on with you and Seth?”
“No!”
