“Seth, I’m scared.”
“Oh Molls,” he says tenderly. “Why?”
“Because I don’t want to ruin it.”
He comes and sits beside me on the table.
“What do you mean?”
“I feel like last time, when we were texting”—I don’t say “sexting,” but I assume he knows what I mean—“I made things weird. And I don’t want to do that again.”
“Molls, if you mean your video…”
I nod. I am not ashamed of my sexuality, but that was one of the few times I have extended myself like that. I feel a bit bruised that it led to him severing contact, even though intellectually I know that the circumstances, not the video, was the reason Seth needed time.
I’m hurt, but also embarrassed to be hurt.
“Molls, it had nothing to do with the video. If you knew how many times I’ve watched that video…”
“You saved it?”
I saved his as well. I keep meaning to delete it, but it makes me so, um, let’s say,amorousthat I can’t make myself do it.
“Baby,” he says. “Even thinking of it has me…” He takes my hand and puts it over his groin. I look down in shock, because he has a full-on erection. I can see the outline lewdly through his pants.
I bury my head on his shoulder, feeling cleansed of all the horrible shame I’ve been harboring.
“Okay,” I say. I rub my hand over him and he hisses and closes his eyes.
It’s thrilling.
I do it again.
He catches my hand in both of his, lifts it up, and kisses my thumb.
“If you keep doing that I’m going to ejaculate all over my nice linen pants and embarrass myself in front of my family.”
I giggle.
“Remember in high school how we would dry hump in your room and you would—”
“Get wet spots on my jeans? Yes, Molly. Idoremember that. Thank you for the reminder.”
“God, we were so horny.”
He looks down ruefully at his erection. “Not much has changed on my end, I’m afraid.”
“If you could feel how soaked my—”
He claps a hand over my mouth.
“Now you’re just torturing me.”
I am, but I’m also trying to distract from the tension between us. The unspoken feelings. The vast question of what, if anything, comes next.
Which is childish.
If I want this, I need to actually be an adult and face my own fears.
