Page 22 of Playing with Forever
My heart raced at the memories, and I forced myself to keep breathing normally even though I could still see their faces in my mind. Could still hear their voices crackling through the comms…until they were abruptly cut off by gunfire and missiles detonating.
I swallowed hard and continued. “When you’re in charge, when others trust you to lead them into hell and bring them out whole, you don’t get to make mistakes. But I did, and it cost lives.”
She sucked in a startled breath. “I’m so sorry, Chase,” she whispered, her gaze holding mine, like she was seeing the pieces of me I usually kept hidden behind dominance and bondage and rules.
“When I was discharged, I wasn’t the same man,” I went on. Now that I’d shared the worst, I wanted her to understand how it all tied into the person I was today. “Everything felt out of control. My thoughts. My emotions. My fucking body sometimes. The only way I could breathe was by maintaining control ofsomething, and BDSM gave me that. But it’s not just about power. It’s about trust. Structure. Safety and rules. For my partner, yeah, but for me, too.”
She reached up and glided her fingers along my jawline, her expression filled with compassion. “But sometimes, it’s okay to lean on someone else, Chase.”
I shook my head, because that was no longer an option for me and the last thing I wanted was her to think she could change what was so irrevocably shattered. “I don’t know how to do messy, emotional shit anymore,” I said, my voice low and gruff, a warning for her to keep her feelings out of this arrangement of ours. “I don’t know how tolet gowithout something unraveling. I’m not the type of guy who does hearts and flowers and romance, Andrea. I’ll wreck your body with precision and pleasure, but everything else inside of me is fucking broken.”
She dropped her hand back down to my chest and splayed her palm right over my rapidly beating heart. “You say you’re broken like it’s a permanent condition. Like it disqualifies you from being loved. But you stillfeel, don’t you? You’re still standing, still fighting to be present every day. That doesn’t sound broken to me.”
A laugh escaped me, raw and bitter. “Maybe not to you. But it feels like I’ve been holding myself together with duct tape and discipline for years.”
She gave me the sweetest smile. “Then let me help you peel off the tape. Slow. Gentle. One piece at a time.”
Fuck.She didn’t know what she was offering to a fractured man like me. Or maybe she did. And that possibility terrified me more than anything else because I refused to disappoint anyone else in my life.
I brushed the backs of my fingers along her cheek and her gaze met mine, lips parting. Before I could think about my actions or stop myself, I tipped her head back and touched my lips to hers. Andrea sighed into my mouth, kissing me back as our tongues touched and tangled and the connection deepened. The kiss was tender, far more affectionate than I had ever meant it to be when I was a man who didn’t do kind and caring. Sex I was good at. Emotional shit, not so much.
I pulled back and cleared my throat, desperate to put some kind of distance between the two of us. “How about a nice, warm shower before you head out?” I suggested.
If Andrea noticed the quick way I moved on from that intimate kiss, and our too serious conversation, she didn’t comment on it as I led her into the adjoining bathroom. Tonight had been a fantastic play session, but Andrea was nothing more than a temporary distraction.
Or so I tried to convince myself.
CHAPTER8
Chase
After a too long day out in the sun for a security detail, I all but collapsed against the bar as Austin slid into the seat next to me, holding up two fingers to the man standing behind the counter. “Macallans, neat,please.”
The bartender raised his brows at us but brought us our drinks as requested. My brother and I knocked them back, ordered another, and then two tall glasses of ice water to go with it. I wasn’t out in the blazing Vegas desert heat anymore but my body still seemed to think I was. My throat was parched and I was thirsty as hell.
“Remind me the next time we’re asked to work an outdoor concert that I tell Sutton ‘hell fucking no,’” Austin muttered, sounding just as exhausted as I felt.
“You and I both know you’ll say yes, because it’s your job and dad would kick your ass for getting mouthy with Sutton,” I pointed out.
We had a certain level of leeway on assignments but notthatmuch. Everyone hated working concerts, especially the ones out in the open heat, but we all drew the short straw eventually. You couldn’t evade it forever. Luckily Sutton tried to spread those kinds of jobs out so that we all worked our fair share.
Austin groaned after downing over half of his iced water in one go. “Just let me live in my fantasy for a moment.”
“I don’t want you to live inanyof your fantasies,” I said, my tone wry. “They tend to cause me trouble.”
Austin sent a smirk my way. “Oh, c’mon, I’m notthatbad.”
I side-eyed my brother. “Whatever you gotta say to help you sleep at night.”
My phone buzzed and I glanced down at the display. I’d had it on Do Not Disturb all day so that I wouldn’t be distracted during work, and now I scrolled through my latest texts.
There was one from Andrea—a link to another set of lingerie to go with the others she’d sent my way over the past few days. Very cute, beyond sexy, and very reasonably priced, on sale.
I typed out a reply.If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you wanted something.
I just think it’s smart to know what to buy me in case you really do rip my underwear off next time. Who knows how long shipping could take? Might want to order in advance.
I grinned despite myself.You have no idea how many spankings you’re earning yourself.
