Seeing Gabe’s face outside the car window that day. The look in his eyes as he calmed me down was now a memory I was trying to erase.
So many things had happened, and my mind and emotions were drowning in all of them. I was raw.
I’d made the biggest mistake when instead of running from him and the weekend pass, I jumped in headfirst and fell for an unavailable man. The perfect unavailable man. The man who was into me because of similarities with the true love of his life—his wife—who was gone forever. Now who in the hell saw that one coming?
I’ve been known for making bad decisions with men. One after another really. I would say I’m naive, but once past the age of twenty-five, it’s just called being stupid, and it happens again and again.
My last relationship ended nearly a year ago when, after falling in love with a doctor I worked with and dating for four months, I was blindsided to find out he was married. Married. I had unknowingly been the other woman. WTH right? He had kept the whole marriage thing from everyone at work by saying he was divorced. Looking back, there were a bazillion red flags, but the love-struck idiot I was didn’t catch a one of them.
This was me. I attracted men who aren’t available. Every time. This confirms it once and for all. Stress and heartbreak are caused by giving a fuck.
New mantra:
I do not give
One fuck
Two fucks
Red fucks
Blue fucks
Chapter 10
Starting Over
It was good that the team had spent the last ten days on the road with games against The Boston Bruins and Toronto Maple Leafs. If I’d been home, I wondered if I’d been able to resist the bottle as Fern consumed every minute off the ice. Her smile and body, the promise ring, and the conversation that killed it all.
I kicked ass in the games because I had an anger flowing below the surface at the thought of not having her. I was able to let it rip, and the other team paid the price. Four goals and two assists were the highlights. I’d also seen the penalty box four times in five games because I was ready to make the opposition pay for any disrespect or shady plays. My only regret was not telling more people to fuck off.
On the plane, I sat in the back with Ed, making sure Dave wasn’t near me.
“How’re you doing?”
I chugged down some water. “Sucky.”
“Well, for what’s it’s worth, you got game this week.”
“Has Tawnee said anything about Fern?”
“Just that she’s staying with her parents and seeing friends between now and the wedding before she leaves. I didn’t say anything to Tawnee.”
“I want to go talk to Fern.”
He shook his head. “Don’t do it. Leave it alone for now.”
“This is killing me. She blocked my number, and I need to clear the air.”
He ran his hand through his hair. “Buddy, are you certain this isn’t somehow tied up with Amy? It’s a little freaky how this all went down.”
I turned to him. “The tattoo and car thing are weird. But Fern and Amy are nothing alike. You knew Amy. Does she look or act anything like Fern?”
“No, she’s almost the opposite when it comes to appearance and her attitude.
“I need to let Fern know that. To tell her that my being crazy about her doesn’t mean I’m crazy.” I sat back. “I miss how she turns anything she can into a contest.” It felt good to laugh. “Ya know, before you guys arrived at the cabin, we went to a bar and they had a drink while you hula hoop contest. You should’ve seen her, Ed. The spark in her eye as she guzzled beer and refused to quit until she was the champ.” I rested my head back on my seat as her smile and giggle echoed in my ears.
He groaned and shook his head. “Oh geez.”
