Page 207 of Lost in Love
I stand up, intending to give her a piece of my mind too.
“So you telling me you didn’t love me and the way you kept saying you weren’t sure it would work out, was that a lie too?”
She blinks, slowly. “I will always love you, but I wasn’t sure at that point because of how bad things had gotten, and I was honest when I said I didn’t know if things would work out. I didn’t. Just because I did it to get your attention, didn’t mean my feelings weren’t warranted. They’re real.”
“How come you couldn’t have just talked to me and said, hey, dude, help me out? You’re being a bad husband.” I shrug, completely defeated. “But you didn’t do that.”
“I don’t know what else you want me to say,” Madison mumbles, just as defeated. “I didn’t know how else to do it. It felt like every time I tried to talk to you my words fell on deaf ears. When Nathalie suggested it, I thought it was a good idea. Iclearlydidn’t think it through.”
“Clearly,” I slur, sitting back down.
“Can you honestly tell me that you were happy before this? You didn’t even know where Callan went to school, let alone what he was into, and now you do. You two are closer than ever before. Not that I’m defending what I did, but I think in some ways, it was a wake-up call for all of us.”
I nod because sadly, there’s a hell of a lot of truth to what she’s saying to me. I didn’t know my son before this and had she not filed for divorce, I’m not sure I would have seen it. Sure, she could have come and talked to me, but would I have listened?
No really, I’m asking myself.
What the shit? She’s right. I wouldn’t have. I would have nodded, promised to do better and weeks later would have been caught back up in working and life.
“I’m not saying any of this to defend what I did. I’m saying this because I didn’t do it completely out of spite, Ridley. I love you, and I wanted so badly to make it work too. And then I started to see how bad it really was and then Sedona happened and I panicked, thinking I’d lost you for good.” Her emotions and words are raw. And in the depth of her eyes and the tears clouding them, she means everything she’s saying. She’s staring at me again, longing for a redemption she knows someone like me doesn’t give easily. When my dad walked out, I didn’t talk to him for two years because he lied to me about having an affair on my mom. I hold grudges.
“Ridley?”
“Yeah?”
“I rehearsed what I wanted to say in my mind on the way here,” she says, obviously embarrassed, “and it sounded put together and reasonable, but the truth is, you’re intimidating, and I find myself afraid to tell you how I really feel most of the time.”I’m intimidating? No way.“It’s probably why I never came out and told you what was the matter and how I was feeling before this. I wanted to. I’d lay awake at night and tell myself, I’m going to tell him tomorrow. And then morning would come and you would leave for work and I’d tell myself, when he gets home, I’m going to do it. Weeks would go by and I didn’t. I was afraid you’d either react badly or blow off my concerns as a crazy housewife who needs a life. Or, you’d tell me I was trying to pick a fight with you.”Oh God, she’s right. I’ve said that before.“But the thing is, they wererealissues to me, and when I filed those papers, I honestly believed it was the only way to get you to take me seriously. I’m so sorry for the way I went about it.”
“I just can’t believe you felt I wouldn’t listen,” I say, finally feeling a little weight lift. She’s being honest.You need to be honest too. You wouldn’t have listened.
Her eyes trail over my face, watchful of my every reaction. “Do you think if I would have come to you and said we had problems, you would have listened to me?”
I shake my head trying to fight the emotion I feel creeping on. “I’m not sure.”
When did this happen? When did it get to this that we went from being newlyweds and in love, to these people? When did I become a man obsessed with work and her, a woman afraid to tell her husband how she really felt?
“So everything that happened the last two months, you telling me you didn’t love me, Kip, all that crap, it was all to get me to see that I wasn’t giving you and our sons enough attention?”
“No. It wasn’t like that. I never meant for anything to get out of hand, and I fully admit Kip is creepy, and yes, he tried to make a move, but remember when he had that black eye at the last game? That was me. I punched him.”
Damn. I hope she didn’t hurt herself. And fuck that guy. Next time I see him I’ll knock his teeth in.
For a second, I let myself look at her without the distorting haze of anger and resentment I’ve been feeling, and I see her as I used to—beautiful and special, remarkable, and the woman I fell madly in love with eight years ago, despite the unexpected. Her eyes catch mine, and suddenly I’m back to the day we first met. The day I first saw those eyes looking at me like no one else ever had. Me in my vampire costume, her dressed as Catwoman.
You start off a relationship pure, and somewhere along the way, you lose track of what brought you together in the first place. And then you get a glimpse, like right now, and you think, there. It’s right there. That’s why I fell.
I think Madison knew the power she had over me all along and part of me hated that from the beginning. I loved her that much and hated she could harness that much control over me. One kiss with her demolished the protective defense I had in place since my mother died, and I swore I wouldn’t depend on anyone.
The Madison who stole my heart that night at the Halloween party, she never gave it back and wouldn’t now. The Madison who’s beautiful and damaged to the point where in reality, I’m the only man she’s ever loved who hasn’t left her. Until now. Until I did. And I guess, I didn’t even realize I had, because even though I hadn’t left on a physical sense, there’s a reality here that she truly felt alone in our marriage.
“Why did you come here, Madison?” I finally ask. “Why are you telling me all of this now? Is it because you found out you were pregnant and just need the money, or you actually want to make this work?”
“I came because I don’t want a divorce,” she admits, wiping away tears. “These last three weeks since Sedona have been hell, because I finally saw what life would be like without you and it’s miserable. I’m unhappy, Callan’s depressed. I just… I hadn’t realized what I was missing. It’s awful to say, but it’s exactly like what they say, you don’t miss something until it’s gone, and there’s so much truth to it. I thought it was bad before I attempted to do something about it, butthis,it’s so much worse.”
I blow out a breath, shaking my head because I felt the same way. “You never planned on telling me it was all to get my attention, did you?” I ask. “Had everything went okay in Sedona, and I begged you to not go through with it, would you have honestly told me the truth?”
“I don’t know,” she admits, her chin shaking as a new round of tears hit her. “I never meant to hurt you, Ridley.” She keeps apologizing and repeating herself, but still, I don’t have the answer I’m looking for.
For about ten minutes she lets me be and finally stops apologizing—probably because I tell her I’m going to walk out the door and never look back if she says it one more time.
