Page 27 of Saving Barrette
My heart beats faster when I see she’s not wearing any pants. Only my jersey. I turn my head to look over at the bathroom door. Luckily, Barrette has her own room. Her and Cadence’s rooms are separated by a joined bathroom.
I fight the urge to not follow her to her bed. I shouldn’t. I know where this leads. She’s not wearing pants and I know exactly where my thoughts are going to go, because I’m already there. Running my hand through my hair, I kick my shoes off and reach over to shut the bathroom door. My heart is in my fucking throat, and my steps slow as I make my way over to her bed.
Don’t touch her, I tell myself. And I think I can handle that and knowing damn well I won’t. Heaviness in my chest halts my movements, and I look down at her, the only light in the room the faint glow from outside streaming in through the window above her bed. There’s an expression on her face, one I haven’t seen before, and I can’t decipher its meaning.
She smiles and I know I can’t deny her. Never stood a chance. So I swallow, try to breathe normally, and get into bed with her. Immediately, like I knew she would, she curls into my side, my left arm around her, her hand on my heart. It’s beating like crazy and I know she feels it. Hell, my entire body trembles, unprepared for where this might be heading.
And then her hand moves lower, to my stomach. My breath catches, and I want to stop her, but I don’t. I wait to see what she’s doing.
“Asa?” My name comes out shakily.
I don’t say anything, but I turn my head to look at her. The street lamps outside light up her face in orange. I swallow hard. I want to kiss her like I want my next breath. I feel the pull, but I’m fucking hesitating. It’s not like me. On the field, I operate on instinct and I’m always right. But with Barrette, I’m always unsure what comes next. I’m not the one running plays here.
Her hand lowers to the button of my jeans and something else is immediately hard. I feel like I can’t breathe, and suddenly my chest is shaking. My stare drops to her soft pink lips, and I want to know their taste.
She doesn’t close her eyes. She meets my gaze head-on. Propping herself up on her elbow, her other hand moves to my head. Her fingers slide through my hair. Unable to pry my hands away from her, my fingers skim down her hand that’s on my stomach, holding her at bay.
“I want you,” she whispers, her face inches from mine, her eyes burning. Her breath blows over me, and weakness claws at me.
I shift away from her, only a fraction of an inch to roll on my side. Excitement shoots through me. I want this. I do. “I’m here,” I assure her, knowing that’s not what she wants to hear, but I say it anyway because I don’t know what else to say. We’ve been in this position a few times. We’ve even kissed and got close once last year, but I pulled away. This time I’m not sure I’m going to have the strength to do so because I fucking want this so badly.
“I know you are, and I want you.” Her leg moves, hitching up over my hip and my erection I know she has to feel straining in my jeans. “Right now.”
I shift involuntarily when she brushes against my dick again, and my eyes flutter closed at the incredible sensation that shoots through my entire body. My hand moves from my side to her thigh and I fight the urge to roll her over and kiss her like I’m dying to do. “I… don’t know, B. Are you sure? I mean, what if it’s too much for you?” I shouldn’t even be considering this, but damn it, it’s fucking unbearable being this close to her and not being able to have her in the ways I want.
She moves her hand from my stomach and rests it against my cheek. “It’s always too much, but with you, it’s better.” And then she leans in and presses her lips to mine. Part of me knows why she’s doing this. A distraction. The man in me doesn’t fucking care at this point. At first, I’m gentle with the kiss, unable to make sense of it, until… something happens inside me. Without question, I slide my tongue into her mouth. I forgot how good it felt to be this close to her, until she reminds me.
The tip of her tongue strokes mine and I moan and pull her closer. Chest to chest, body to body, heart to heart, I want her. So badly.
She pulls back, breathing heavily. “I forgot how good that feels with you.”
One of my hands remain in her hair while I slip the other to her shoulder. I stare down at her, our bodies pressed together, there’s no space between us. I know she feels me, there, against her and when she lets out the moan against my lips and moves her hips against mine. I lose any self-control I had to deny her.
My hand brushes down her neck where her pulse thrums against my fingertips and across her collarbone where the bubbled skin from the scars she has there are. Bite marks. She has permanent reminders of that night, and now she wants me to give her new memories. Good ones. Can I do that?
I swallow again, my throat dry. “If I hurt you, tell me to stop,” I tell her, rolling on top of her and deepening the kiss. Like it or not, my mind is on the after. What this will do to her. Will it bring back memories she doesn’t want?
She senses my hesitation and reaches for the hem of the jersey she’s wearing. She works it over her shoulders by wiggling around, and I realize she’d been completely naked underneath it this whole time.
She tugs at my shirt. “Your turn.”
I smile and sit up, barely able to tear my eyes away from between her legs. I remove it and reach for the button of my jeans. I look at her, waiting for her to stop me, but she doesn’t. So I take them off and with it, my boxers. She doesn’t look, her eyes are on mine. This time, my eyes slide over her body. Usually, I never let them stray in fear if she catches me watching her it will scare her. But this time, it’s different. She’s instigating this.
She’s perfect… fucking perfect, soft, warm. I want to worship her like she deserves, and admit I love her.
Don’t do that.
Instead, realization hits me in the gut when Barrette starts stroking my dick. “I don’t have anything,” I admit, feeling defeated. I didn’t even think to bring a condom. Obviously.
She shrugs and reaches for my shoulders. “I’m on birth control.”
I nod, unsure, still. I mean, obviously I trust her, and I haven’t been with anyone. Ever. Not this way. My eyes shift, taking in the way her breasts look pushed against me. Do I even know what the fuck I’m doing? Sure, I know the basics of it all, but I have no idea what to do next.
What a fucking pussy. Get it together.
My chest feels heavy, like she stabbed me with the way she’s looking at me and slowly, just like her, I’m bleeding life. My heart may beat, but it’s beating for her. In the moonlight, her eyes catch mine, and I see the tears streaming down her face. Without saying anything, I kiss her forehead and press my chest into hers, but I don’t make an attempt to move between her legs.
Her eyes slowly drink me in, drifting over my face and lingering on my chest. She tugs at my shoulders. “I’m not crying because I’m sad, or scared, I just… I wantyou,Asa. I always have and they took that from me. I want to give it to you, so please let me.”
