Page 97 of Revel
I hesitate. I resist. I do because I’ve learned an emotion slipped from your tongue can either be a blessing or curse. “Yes,” I admit for the first time. I haven’t told anyone about my feelings for Red. I’ve never been one to share my feelings. I can’t ever remember telling my siblings I loved them. I told Hensley I loved her once and I think I might have been high or drunk at the time.
“You know she might not take you back.”
I swallow over the building anxiety in my chest. Thinking about leaving here scares me because I’ll be left to my own devices with temptation at my fingertips. “I know. I’m not going to even try.”
“So you understand you might not get forgiveness. She might be angry with you.”
“I wouldn’t blame her if she is,” I say with a humorless laugh. “She has a right to be mad at me. It doesn’t change the way I feel about her.” I want to punch myself for what I’m saying. It’s not me. I don’t talk about this shit, and I blame this forgiveness crap they preach here. They’re probably drugging me.
“I just don’t want you to come out of here with false hope as to what it’s going to be like.”
I sigh, wishing I could have a cigarette, and a drink. “I know that. She said it was over and that’s what it’ll be.”
Do I believe that?
For her, I have to.
Liz isn’t my only visitor in rehab. Cruz, Deacon, even Hardin, they all come to see me. And finally, Hensley. She came four times, all of which I told her to leave until this last time when I figure it’s time to tell her if she doesn’t stop coming, I’m going to see about a restraining order. Then and only then do I let her talk.
“I have nothing to say to you,” I tell her as we sit outside on a bench overlooking the Pacific Ocean.
Hensley nods. “I know you don’t, but I have some things I want to say to you, and then I’ll leave here and never come back if that’s what you want.”
I fight the urge to run away. “You have two minutes. I can’t miss group discussion. I’m dying to find out if the crazy preacher’s daughter is banging the custodian,” I say sarcastically.
“Are you serious?”
I roll my neck to look at her, raising my eyebrows, as if to say, are ya fucking kidding me? “Why are you here?”
“I wanted to apologize and tell you to your face I’m seeing Jory.”
Anger hits me, and it’s not because of her, or even him. It’s Red I care about. “Good for you. I wish you happiness,” I lie between clenched teeth and then stand. “Don’t come back.”
She grabs my hand, trying to hold me in place. I jerk it away from her. “I don’t fucking care if you’re seeing him. You don’t need my permission.”
“That’s not why I came here.”
I push out a heavy breath, running my hand through my hair. I stare at the ocean again, silently wishing for a tsunami to take me out. I don’t think it’s too much to ask for at this point. “You just said that’s why you came.”
“That and I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“I’m sorry that I wasn’t honest with you about Jory from the beginning.” She pauses, fidgeting with the holes in her jeans. “I was… seeing him the entire time we were together.”
My jaw clenches, again, my knuckles turning white.Don’t hit her.Don’t worry, I won’t, and it’s not that she cheated on me while we were together that has me angry. In show business, it’s unfortunately how it goes. It’s naïve to think someone can remain faithful when they’re seldom together. What really sets me off is that she lied for so long.
“Why?” I finally ask, squinting into the sun. I can’t make out her facial expressions. Every time I can see her clearly, I glance at the sun and let it blind me.
She clears her throat, standing, and shrugs. “Young and dumb?”
I snort out a laugh, shoving my hands in the pockets of my jeans and I start to walk away before saying, “If you say so.”
“Revel?”
I don’t turn around, but I do stop, pushing aside the tension.
“I’m not the only one at fault here. The grass is always greener on the other side when you stop watering it.”
