Page 30 of Untamed
PBR judges, who determine a rider's score based upon his and the bull's performances, are hired based on strict and extensive qualifications maintained by the PBR Board of Directors and members. PBR management has created the position of Judging Administrator. This person is responsible for coordinating judging staff for all PBR events and monitoring the accuracy and professionalism of all officials. Each 25th PBR: Unleash the Beast event now employs four judges. Each judge has 50 points to distribute for each ride (25 points for the bull, and 25 points for the rider.) The Total from each of these judges is added together to get the ride's total score. Four judges also officiate the PBR 25th: Unleash the Beast World Finals where quarter points are allowed by the event judges.
People judge you based on the way you dress, look, the things you say, and before you know it, you have a label. A predetermined identification of who others think you are, rather than what’s inside. It happens to girls all the time.
Boys . . . they get an image. A persona. Hell, some getting a fucking king’s crown and throne. Something they can often hide behind their true identity. Not all of them, but guys like Joel, he gets to be who he wants.
Grayer, he’s like me. Predetermined.
“Hey, Maesyn.” A guy bumps my shoulder, winking. Then he nods between my legs, like I’m just going to mount him right here.
I don’t know him, and don’t want to. I do know I went to high school with him, but his name is about as weak as his attempt to get me to talk to him.
Haylee wraps her arm around my shoulder. “Get lost, dude.” She kisses my cheek. “She’s mine.”
We laugh as he leaves, shaking his head with a smirk. At least he got the hint.
“You’re gonna start a rumor we’re lesbians now.”
Haylee shrugs, reaching for her cigarettes beside her. “So be it.” She pauses, laughs, then lights it, inhaling, then blowing out clouds of white smoke through her nose. “These dudes have no class.”
Speaking of no class, I think about what she said earlier about Tucker. “Did you break it off with Tucker?”
She shakes her head, taking another drag before passing it to me. “Not yet, but I also haven’t heard from him today.”
Nodding, I stare off into the distance, trying to ignore Joel approaching us. I can smell him twenty feet away by the reek of Copenhagen and stale beer. He’s stopped by Danny, but I know it’s only a temporary distraction. He’ll find me again. He always does.
There’s something about the sunsets here in Washington, much like the sunrises. The sky’s painted purple and pink, pretty colors that soften my heart and soul. Colors that make me sigh and look up at the sky and wonder what could be. There’s more to life than this, isn’t there? I bet if everyone watched the sunset every night, life on earth would be different. You’d appreciate more.
As the night begins to take over and the moon lights the night, the party’s in full swing, red plastic cups, tailgates, smoked ribs, and six-packs. The lake is alive and savoring the last sliver of light that it can. Night is hanging there, ready to take over, and it’s my favorite time of the day. It’s me. Stuck in between the lightness and darkness, not knowing if it’s the night relieving the day, or the day relinquishing its hold to the night.
My heart aches, beats faster and slower as smoke rises around me. A steady pop and flicker is heard around the bonfire. I know what tonight’s bringing, or I should say what tonight is wanting. It’s beside me, whiskey breath and a rough touch brought on by liquid courage and pushing me to go upstairs with him.
“Come on, Maesyn. You know you want it.” Joel’s hand presses mine into him, groaning at my touch.
“She saidno, Joel,” Haylee reminds him, scowling. Her sunburnt cheeks flame red. “Leave her alone before I toss you in the river.”
He snorts, rolling his eyes. “I’d like to see you try, half-pint.”
It’s true. I doubt Haylee could even shove him off one of us. Believe me, I’ve tried myself and it never works. He takes what he wants despite the word no. Jamie would be so ashamed of him.
I don’t want Joel. I never have. And now more than ever. The reason I don’t now is the fiery presence of the one standing twenty feet away. Grayer’s watching me and this interaction with Joel, and him watching me almost makes me feel dirty, like I shouldn’t be here. I most definitely shouldn’t be letting Joel touch me with Grayer standing so close. It’s sending him a message I don’t want him seeing. Or is it just proving everyone’s theory of me?
Either way, it needs to stop.
My stomach knots when Joel touches me, again, his hands on my thigh. “You owe me,” he says, honestly believing I do.
I hate the response inside me, the one that overwhelms and tells me to run. He doesn’t love me, hell, he doesn’t appreciate me either. He wrapped me in a lie and made me believe being with him was something I had to do because of Jamie. When he died, Joel blamed me and in fact, I blamed myself. Jamie wouldn’t have wrecked his car had he not been driving like a crazy person to my house to explain himself.
“No, I don’t owe you anything, Joel.”
I’ve seen my heartbreak. Mine breaks every day. I’ve seen a love so strong that even a sharp bend in the road can’t shatter it. I don’t have that anymore and I don’t think I can even tell you the meaning of love. I know it’s not a word. It’s a meaning to a decision only your heart can make. I have moments that make me believe loving someone isn’t worth the pain. In my mind no love can survive, but I hold out hope it exists for me.
Joel shifts in front of me, running a hand through his hair. He looks over at me and I don’t recognize his expression. He’s someplace else in his head. “Why ya actin’ like such a bitch?”
I sigh heavily, then say, “I’m only a bitch because you want something I won’t give you. Find someone else.” The burn of the wind in my eyes surfaces tears. I blink them away, holding onto the fact that maybe this won’t hurt forever. Of course, if anyone asks what’s wrong, I’ll simply blame the watering eyes on the bonfire smoke blowing toward me. Deep down, I know my heart’s still in such a state of flux. A state that causes me to go after the wrong sort of attention. It’s my defense mechanism that’s keeping me going. It’s all I know how to do.
“Oh, bullshit. Ever since yesterday you’ve been actin’ crazy.”
I won’t be that girl anymore. The one in the arms of liars, doing things I shouldn’t and being someone I’m not. Liars who will tell me how beautiful I am, how amazing I am, how perfect I am just to satisfy their own needs. They need me for that. For guys like Joel, I’m a scratch to their itch and then forgotten until the next need arises.
