Page 47 of The Legend
My fistsclenched automatically, my knees gave way when Sway came into the room withRosa. Thankfully, Rosa stepped back and waited in the hallway.
“Oh god...Jameson,” Sway ran to me. Her arms were shakyas they slid over my shoulders to wrap around my neck, “Look at me baby.”
I somehowforced myself to the edge of the ocean of my guilt to reach the surface. Mywife knew me well enough to know I never got over that night in Loudon. Itried,oh goddid I try but this, although it wasn’t exactly the same,just brought everything crashing back down upon me.
Sway’slips hovered at my ear, speaking slowly, “Jameson, Arie needs you right now.”
She knewwhat to say to me.
ImmediatelyI fought hard to focus on our daughter instead of my own pain. Regardless, if Ifelt guilty, this wasn’t about me right now. This is exactly the sort of thingI feared when I first held Arie, not being able to protect her, let alone Sway.
I don’tremember doing it but I hit the closest thing next to me, which happened to bethe wall. Arie and Sway jumped when the cart next to the bed fell over with mymovement sending ice water all over the floor, chunks of ice scatteredthroughout the room like marbles.
I couldonly focus on the fact that history had once again repeated itself and not in agood way.
Sway heldher hands up, trying to calm me down when I stood up. Arie looked up at me aswell, scared, angry, and apologetic all at the same time. She never asked forthis, nor didSway. She was simply there at the wrongtime.
Between mepunching the wall again, the only noise that didn’t drown out my own loudthumping heart and adrenaline was my daughter whispering in a shaky voiceholding as much regret as I felt, “I’m sorry daddy.”
I reachedfor her realizing that regardless of this guilt, my world was her, Sway, andour boys. I would do anything for them. So many times, I wanted them to havenormal lives without having to live on the road but I was too selfish.
Tears wererunning down Arie and Sways’ faces, reminding me once again, this was on me.
It took mea good hour to calm down an actually speak. Arie had fallen asleep in my armswith Sway sitting next to us in a chair. My right arm was under Arie as she layon my chest, her head nestled under my chin breathing lightly. My right handgently stroked through her hair as I did when she was little and couldn’t sleepat night.
So far, Ihadn’t spoken since I came into her room, only drowning in thoughts that Icouldn’t control.
Sway keptquiet to, but when I looked into my wife’s tormented eyes, I decided it wastime to say something to her. She didn’t deserve to see this unstable side ofme again. With Darrin, she’d been unconscious for most of it and not subjectedto the rage I had for it. She also never saw how emotionally worked up I wasover it.
Now it wasright there for her to see.
Did shejudge me?
No. Shenever did and never would.
“I’m sorryhoney.Idon’teven know what to say.” Keeping my eyes focused on hers, I watched as a tearslipped down her cheek. I was beyond ashamed at the way I acted.
She smiledsoftly, just the corner of her mouth twitched. “You don’t need to be sorry. Iknow this is harder on you than anyone can understand right now, me included.”
“I thinkif anyone understands;it’s you.”
With tearsslowly streaming down her cheeks, it took her a moment to find her voice, “Ican relate but I’ll never truly understand. No one can.”
She waswrong though, she did understand. That’s why she never judged me.
“Jameson,”she began, her voice hushed as if she regretted speaking the words, true ornot. “You are whatholdsall this together for us. Iknow you understand that, but I don’t want you to forget it, ever. We need youmore than you think.”
Closing myeyes, her words enclosed around me. I knew the bond between my wife and me wasvital for me, but I failed to realize how vital I was to the rest of our familyincluding our kids. They may have grown into their own person but they stillneeded us.
“I hatethat he hit her.”
“She’sokay Jameson. She’s stronger than we give hercredit for.”
I knewthat. Arie was hardheaded just like me but she also knew and believed inherself. When she said she was sorry to me, she said it more to herself forevergetting wrapped up with Brian in the first place.
I musthave beaten myself up all night over this as I continued to hold Arie. Swayleft in the morning to bail Axel and Lane out of jail. You can guess why.
This gaveme some alone time with Arie.
