Page 124 of The Legend
“Well,”Van shifted his position on the chair, “now we decide if telling him ahead oftime is in our best interest.”
“We can’tlie to him Van. He needs to know. If he found out from anyone besides us, itwould destroy him more than it already has.”
“Okay, sowe tell him tonight.” Van stood as if he was ready.
“Uh, holdup there big guy,” I held up my hand patting his overly large shoulder, “nottonight. He’s tired.”
“But wetell him soon...before Grady hasa chance to.”
We agreedand Van left and I was left trying to figure out what the hell happened to ourlives. Just when you think things are improving you get slapped in the goddamnface and it knocks you right on your ass again.
When Icame to bed, Jameson was awake staring at the ceiling, the lights off. Thebroken clock next to the bed confirmed my theory that he had some reactions toanger, just not around me.
He didn’tmove when I slipped into bed, barely acknowledging I even came into the room.
Theexhaustion got to me and I was asleep within a few minutes.
I woke upalone in the bed again. From my place in the bed, I could see Jameson was inthe bathroom on the floor. Being as quiet as I could, I approached the bathroomfor a closer look to make sure he was okay. He sat there in a pair of his boxerbriefs and a bottle of Jack Daniels at his bare feet. His head was restedagainst the tub with his legs outstretched. If I looked close enough, I couldsee the tears rolling down his cheeks.
It hurt meto see him in pain, to push us away because he didn’t think we wouldunderstand. If anything, I understood completely. I may have had time toprepare when my dad was taken but it didn’t help with dealing with it.
Deathisn’t easy. It’s not met to be.
I rememberfeeling the way he’s feeling but I also had a new baby to take care of, adistraction. But don’t think I didn’t stay up late at night and cry for theloss that I felt.
I wantedto comfort him, take him in my arms and never let go but he didn’t want thatright now. I wanted to tell him about Grady, but I couldn’t, not right now. Iwanted to protect him, be his arm restraints and keep him from getting hurt.
I let himbe as I always did these past few weeks because like I said, I didn’t want topush. The thing with Jameson was that if you pushed, the farther away he pushed.You had to know when to say when and give him the time to say when.
Themorning of Jimi’s funeral was tough. Everyone took another limo to the cemeteryand Jameson and I were set to ride alone at his request.
I kept mysteps light walking up the stairs knowing we had to leave soon.
And there,with his hands covering his face, sat my husband in the corner of our room nextto the balcony. I saw it for the first time, something in all the years I havebeen by his side, that I’ve never seen before. Jameson was crying. I’ve seentears before, but I’ve never seen him sobbing. It was hard to watch but harderto pry so I walked back into the hall and sat against the wall, crying myself.
Within afew minutes, I heard him walking across the room with his cane. He stopped infront of me eyeing me curiously, his eyes swollen and red. “Are you cominghoney?” His hand reached out for me as his chin quivered.
Nodding, Itook his hand and together, though nothing was said, we dealt with the pain. Wedealt with the suffering and the reality that we had to deal with. That’s thehardest part.Dealing with it.
Arm Restraints – Axel
“Are youcoming...?” Lily looked down at me sitting on thefloor of our apartment.
“Yes,” I whisperedso my voice wouldn’t break. If she sensed my emotion, she too might crumble. Imade the decision to be strong today and that I would be.
Herexpression softened by the ache in my voice.
“Axel,”her fingertips traced lightly over the shape of my lips. “You don’t always haveto be so strong.”
I smiledunder her fingers and touched the side of her face and then her stomach. “Iknow. I want to be for him.”
Lily knewthat today, of any days, I needed to be strong for my dad.
The rainbegan to fall, calming in its wet musky smell, when the limo pulled up thedrive. I watched out of the corner of my eye to see the leaves dancing in thestreet with the subtle winds.
I sighedgetting in. This was not what I wanted to be doing right now but I knew I’d beforced to attend and it wasn’t that I didn’t want to; without a shred of adoubt I wanted to pay respect to my grandpa...itwas that I didn’t think I could handle it.
Outside ofRyder’s funeral, I had only been to three funerals in my life and I couldn’t tellyou anything about them as I was too young to remember them. Ryder’s funeralwas different from this.
