Page 119 of The Legend
I hoped...that he was right. I hoped that we weremaking the right adjustments for him, for us, for our family.
Set-up – Jameson
There aretimes that I wished I would have paid better attention to warnings. Not that itwould have helped now but it might have. In a lifestyle sent soaring and thencrashing to a wall, that’d you would have listened to that vibration a littlesooner, checked that rising temperature, listened more, loved more, kissedmore, made love more often, more of anything. Wisdom ignored, you fall for solong that you almost feel relieved to have finally stopped falling. You’reallowed to want more, feel more, and love more.
Time wasall I had these days. I thought a lot, felt a lot, and remembered even more. Ithought that he was full of wisdom that I ignored. It was right in front of melike a rising temperature or a vibration.
Since timewas all I had, I thought about my dad mostly and the affect this was having onmy family. Eventually I didn’t want to think anymore. Instead, I wanted out ofthis damn hospital.
Aroundthat time, I hurled every ounce of hatred I had for the situation intorecovering.
Withinfive weeks of coming out of the coma, I was starting physical therapy.
No one thoughtI would come back to racing. I watched the news. I knew what they were saying.The media, the fans, my family...they allthought I would retire. Sure I was forty-two years old and was nearly killed amonth ago but that right there is what kept me going.
My dadwouldn’t have wanted me to quit just because he was killed in a wreck, with me.
He wouldhave said something along the lines of, “Are you a fucking idiot?” if I toldhim I was retiring because of him.
But I didthink about it.
Did I wantto get back inside a race car?
Yes, Idid.
Why,because I needed to know that I could. A man like me, someone who has been sosingle-minded on one specific goal for the last forty years of his life,doesn’t just quit like that. Not without thought at least and I had a lot oftime to deal with that thought.
I’ll tellyou one thing though; no time spent inside a hospital was a good time. In fact,it was horrible. I think mostly because over the years, if I didn’t want tohear what you had to say, I left.
Now I couldn’tdo that.
Whatbothered me most about this, was the one person I did it to so often, was nolonger here. It was waves of emotions, one minute I was fine and then next Iwanted to say fuck it all.
Reality isfucking stupid. That was my general conclusion.
I love itwhen people bitch about a bad day now while me, and my walker, are strollingaround the hospital trying to get away from my family. I wanted to say, “Fuckyou, wish for that! Wish that you didn’t get your coffee or the nurse didn’tget your extra pillow, jerk off.”
I’d take abad day over this overwhelming anxiety any day. It doesn’t make the shit anyeasier. Knowing that it is reality only makes it fucking real. When your lifeis ripped apart so suddenly like mine, it makes not getting your coffee prettyfucking desirable.
I wasn’tleft alone very often but when I was, that’s what I thought about.Reality.I thought about what I would have left everyone todeal with. My family, my team, my sponsors, it was reality.
Othertimes my room was filled with family and though I enjoyed that time with them,it was a constant reminder that our family was now one short.
My kidshelped as didSway. They knew me better than anyoneand were always trying to make me laugh. Which hurt but Arie claimed laughterwas the best medicine.
Because ofthis, they sent Casten in a lot. That was when he had time. He was trying to goto school and help out as much as he could with the sprint car team. I felt badbut he claimed he was having fun doing it.
Casten mayhave quit racing but he still relished in race life, always fast paced.
“I need afavor.” I told him one morning after he arrived to watch Sports Center with me.After I broke a TV last week, I could only watch television supervised now andthen never handed me the remote when they left. That was probably becausethat’s how the television was broken in the first place.
“Uh,I’m leaving.” Casten said jetting for the door.
“No...helpme!” I yelled after him. I didn’t yell,yelling hurt. But I did raise my voice.
Castenfrowned, his brow pulled together in disgust. “I have no desire to see younaked. I’ll get mom.”
“Casten,”I chuckled trying to shift in the bed but decided against it when moving myhips shot excruciating pain throughout my body. “I just need the remote.”
