Page 103 of The Legend
I felt as thoughI was wading through concrete. Everything was so heavy. All my efforts were tono avail. I could do nothing but waited for a change that never seemed tocome.
Voicesshouted around me, ordering others around or me maybe. Hovering and shinninglights in my eyes. There were more stabbing pains as I fought for each breaththat wouldn’t come.
I wasn’tsure where I was. The room felt cold, unbearably cold.
I wastired, I knew that much. Tired and cold, my eyes felt heavy, deep black was theonly color I could see at times and then those lights faded as did my memories.
The lightswere bright, whooshing around me in waves or circles. Looping around, then theywere black, fading with the memories of where I was.
I hurt.The worst possible pain I’d ever felt before. It radiated throughout me, tookpower over every emotion I had. There was a stabbing feeling, or maybe it wasthe noise. I wasn’t sure any more. There was loud ringing in my ears or myhead. I wasn’t sure but I wanted it to stop. I wanted to move away from thesounds and pain, but I couldn’t. My arms and legs felt bound.
When Ithought I couldn’t take the searing pains in my head and chest any longer, thelight would fade and then I wouldn’t see darker images.
The wreck,I saw it over and over again only I couldn’t focus on what went wrong.
I saw mywife holding my kids when they were younger, the image burned into my brainhovering thickly over any of the thoughts anchoring me from fading completely.They begged me to stay with them.
I saw mydad, only I was younger, just a child sitting in his sprint car in the shopback in Elma.
It feltreal.
I talkedto him and he told me over and over again that he was proud, so proud. I knewhe was proud, I did. Why was he repeating it so much?
And thenhe said, “I love you.”
It wasodd, he never said it. He never had too. I knew. Then he told me, “Be a legend.Be the greatest this sport has ever seen because you are to me.”
Whatdid that mean? Why was he talking to me?
Everythingaround me was hazy and white, and then the light would shift. The lightswhirled past with images but I couldn’t focus. I couldn’t think. No, thinkinghurt. I wanted to break, as though being in pieces would be easier than feelingthis as a whole. It hurt too fucking badly.
My lungswouldn’t expand, the breaths felt forced.
When thelight around me changed, I saw my mother beside me crying. I tried to comforther, tell her I was fine. But I knew I wasn’t. Something wasverywrongand I often wondered if I was dying. It felt like I was. I wasn’t in control ofanything.
Sway wasthere at that moment, standing above me. Tears fell from her cheeks landing onme and then I felt like I was drowning in everyone’s tears, burning my skinlike acid. I couldn’t breathe again and then I hurt more for trying.
I wantedto tell them I was fine but I wasn’t.
Like mybody, my lips denied me any relief when I tried to speak, nothing happened.
The lightturned to the darker images of a crash again, metal against metal, burning,dirt was everywhere, a thick suffocating cloud. My skin burned and felt like itwas melting from my bones.
It was soloud, a cacophony of disharmonious and confusing sounds. A garbled hum ofclamor and noise, nothing made sense. Somewhere is the distance a rhythmicbeeping pinged clearly and loudly with a low whirl of electronics.
I couldn’tfocus again before the images stopped and all I saw was black, cold and dark.
I wantedthe pain to stop, I wanted to die. Surely, that would make it go away; thisfire burning me alive inside.
Somethingheld me there, the images again and a voice. The only voice I heard now aftermy dad.
Sway.
She washere with me somewhere. She whispered to me. “Please come back.”
I tried. Iwouldn’t die on her now. I would stay alive for her.
She was cryingagain then the black returned before I could tell her I was trying to return toher.
