Page 41 of The Champion
Why did people care how I was? I wondered but just byhearing those brief conversations, I understood. I understood because I wasn’tokay. Just like my wife, I was hurting. I’d known Charlie even longer than I’dknown Sway.
People filed in and out of their home, paying theirrespects. It made me sick to my stomach any time I thought that he was actuallygone. I kept thinking he’d come down the hall any minute and yell at Logan forsomething...but he wasn’t. It seemed thehardest part about all of this was accepting.
No one likes change and permanent change was even worse.
Blown Motor – Sway
Jameson stepped onto the porch, his hands buried deep inthe pockets of his dark trousers. He leaned against the railing, the sleeves ofhis gray dress shirt rolled up to his elbows. I watched his slow steadybreathing when leisurely he lifted his hand to run it through his hair—his headslumped forward staring at the ground.
I had snuck out here when everyone started talking aboutCharlie firing the staff from the track. I was really going to miss the crazybastard. Nothing would be the same around the track anymore, or at home. Ialready felt different being here in this house without him. It felt empty,lifeless, but maybe that was just me.
“What are you doing out here?” Jameson eventually asked.
“Watching Mrs. Taylor’s cat lick his balls,” I repliedimperturbably.
He chuckled and took a seat next to me on the worn woodensteps, bumping my shoulder.
“There’s a funeral going on in there.”
“Is that so?” I laughed bitterly watching Mrs. Taylor’scat walk away, flicking his tail with each step. “I couldn’t tell with all theblack. I thought I was at a Johnny Cash concert.”
We sat there and joked for a few moments before I decidedit was time to give my speech. I turned to Jameson once we were inside.
“Jameson, I’m warning you...youleave me alone with Mrs. Taylor for more than five minutes and I’ll chop youdick off.”
Mrs. Taylor was our crazy neighbor who annoyed the fuckout of me, worse than the Lucifer twins did if that tells you anything. When Iwas nine, she paid me twenty bucks to get her mail for a week and deliver it toher. She talked so goddamn much I quit after two days.
“That’s a little harsh and you really should stopthreatening my manhood if you want more children but...I wouldn’t think of it.” He slapped my ass once as we walkedtoward the back yard where everyone was gathered.
I had no idea what to say during my speech so I reachedfor the note in my pocket that I found from my mom, feeling the warm tearsstreaming down my cheeks. I looked over at Jameson who was standing near thefence off to my right—tears glazed his eyes as he held our son close.
He mouthed, “I love you,” to me and winked once.
I inhaled a deep breath before I began. “I...don’t really know what to say.” I pausedfeeling everyone’s eyes focus on me. “But I found a note from my mother thatreally summed everything up for me this morning.” Pausing again, I gave Jamesona small smile. “She told me to not look back. She told me that all of this I’mfeeling right now, the pain, the anger, the depression is what I’m supposed tofeel, and it’s natural. It’s normal. She said that everything that happens toyou are the pages within the story and it’s your novel. Write the ending youwant. She said that what would really define me was when I thought I couldn’tgo on. How I went on would be my destiny.” I finally looked up to find Jamesonsmiling at me. “I don’t know what to say about Charlie except that he did thebest he could for me. I never once felt like he didn’t love me nor did I everfeel like I let him down. He supported me in everything I did and that’sexactly the way a father should be.”
I couldn’t think of anything else to say, I was drawing ablank until I looked over at Axel once again. “Charlie’s only wish was to seeme walk down the aisle and see his only grandson born, both of which he wasable to do. He lived a full life and he had no regrets. Neither should we. Heknew we loved him and that’s all that matters. That’s all we can ask is that wetell the ones we love how much we love them and appreciate them for who theyare.”
I couldn’t say any more because at that point, staring atmy son, I lost it again and walked away to hide in the closet again.
This time Jameson followed, concerned for his manhood.
So there we sat, Jameson and me in Charlie’s closet.
“Where’s Axel?” I finally asked after ruining his blackdress shirt with snot and tears.
“He’s with Andrea.” He told me. “I think she needed himto cheer her up.”
“He does that for people, doesn’t he?”
Jameson leaned over kissing the top of my head. “Yeah hedoes.”
“We should probably go back downstairs, huh?”
“Nah...we can stayup here as long as you need to.”
We were quiet for another few moments before I began topour my heart out to him.
“You know, I thought that if I avoided it, pretended itwasn’t happening that I could bandage the pain once it hit but that’s not thecase. It hurts.”
