Page 82 of Shade
At first, I don’t look at the letter. I’m blindsided Auden kept it after I threw it on her grave.
Had I thought about the letter since her funeral?
Yeah, sure I did. But I still didn’t want to read it. The simple thought of knowing why makes me dizzy, like someone’s given me a shot of painkillers only the dose is too strong.
But then I think if I knew why, maybe I could forget her and all the ways she destroyed me. Maybe I could find me again when all I ever did was think of her. I spent so long being who she needed, I had no fucking clue who I was, and that was where all this stemmed from, isn’t it?
I need to read it. At least then I can move on.
Before Auden leaves, he says to me, “I’m your boy, Shade. I’ve got your back, no matter what. But you sent me in there and I had to see her, like that, her brains on the goddamn wall.” A shudder rolls through his shoulders, his jaw tensing. “And now I have to watch you destroy yourself too? I don’t fucking think so.”
He has a point, doesn’t he? And all this time I took him for granted. I led him there, to check on her and I never stopped to think about what Auden saw. I had my own visions of what I thought he must have witnessed that night, but I didn’t know for sure.
Now I do.
