Page 26 of Shade
I straighten my body against the wall. “What the fuck do you think?” I growl, speaking for the first time, my words stumbling over broken gasps for air.
He’s silent, crying, breathing. . . then offers, “Sorry, man. Fuck, this is seriously fucked up. Who’s gonna tell Reece?”
Reece. Her brother. Her only blood that cares. Their mom? Gone. Dead. Overdosed on heroin at twenty-seven while Rhya was sleeping in her arms.
Their dad? Prison. Distributing heroin and armed robbery.
I don’t answer. At least not right away, because Ican’timagine how Reece will take it. I know how I am, and he’s her brother. I push out another breath before saying, “Ricky will. He should be there any minute.”
I don’t know why, but I try to imagine how she was feeling in those final moments and the thought of her being alone, shatters me. I feel guilty for saying those things to her instead of engaging with her more about her mental state. I should have known, shouldn’t I?
I feel weak, the world around me spinning out of control. I don’t know how, but I find myself on the ground. Did I sit or did I fall? Did my knees give in?
Tears silently slip down my cheeks unknowingly, unforgivingly.
I’m barely holding myself together, and then that’s when it hits in full force, the reality, the devastation she’s dead. Thinking something was wrong and knowing were entirely different.
My thoughts spin back to have I done this to her?
I’m sick, my stomach rolling in guilty waves.
I don’t remember hanging up with Auden, but I must have at some point.
9:58 p.m. I’m selecting Ricky’s number on my phone.
“Hey, man, I’m sorry. I’m almost there. I’m about ten minutes away. Have you found her?”
I hesitate for a half a second. “Auden. . . found her. She’sdead. She. . . uh. . . she fucking shot herself in the goddamn head.” My words are almost robotic like. I don’t even recognize my voice; it’s foreign to me.
Did she really do it?
Maybe. . . they’re wrong.
Maybe it’s all a dream?
I know it’s not. I may not have been the one who pulled the trigger tonight but me, Jaime, her dad, her uncle, we all played in a part in all of this. We let this happen. It’s our fault. It’s my fault.
Or is it hers for not caring enough to try?
Silence fills the line, the only sounds, his gasp and my choke. I’m losing it, not there yet, but the breakdown’s coming. It’s like being under water and seeing the surface and knowing once you reach it, you can take that needed breath. When I hang up, I can break down but until then, I remain robotic.
“What?” he finally asks. “Jesus, Shade. . . tell me you’re not serious.”
“She’s dead,” I repeat, a punch to my heart, my lungs, my entire fucking body. “Auden found her. She killed herself with agun.” My voice cracks with gun, my mind swarming with images it makes up. I imagine her on the floor, blood covering her face, and it’s her innocent eyes that haunt me, a life I couldn’t save.
Ricky’s frantic, words and questions flying around so fast I can’t understand him until he asks, “Did he. . . did he call 911?”
“Yeah, they’re there with him now. Reece doesn’t know.”
“Uh. . . I’m almost there. I’m literally five minutes away now. I can see the ambulance lights. I’ll take care of Auden and her, just relax.”
“What about Reece?”
“I’ll call him. I’ll take care of things. You just stay calm.”
Calm? How can I stay calm? Rhya killed herself.
Why?
