Page 132 of Shade
Do you see me there standing next to the pool staring at my keys at the bottom?
I might as well be at the bottom of that pool, too, because I’m in over her head.
Up the creek without a paddle.
You get the point, right?
Right.
I’m tempted to jump in and get my keys, but then again, I just straightened my hair, and if I get my hair wet, and go on Shade’s bike, well, that’s not a look anyone should see, let alone Shade.
“I getwhyWilla hired you.”
I jump at the sound of his voice. Heart. Stopped.
When my heart starts beating again, I turn on my heel to face Tiller, smoothing out my shirt that doesn’t need to be smoothed. “What are you talking about?”
“What the fuck do you think I’m talking about?” He casually takes a seat on the lounge chair beside me, the place Shade was just standing. He stares at me over the brim of his coffee cup, then smiles. “WhyWilla hired you. She did it for him. It’s been a while since he’s gotten his mind off her and her fucked up ways.”
Shit. He’s talking about Rhya. Forget the fact that he saw right through all this, or that I’m surprised Shade hasn’t yet, but I’m so damn curious how a guy like Shade, so full of life and confidence could have been with someone like Rhya in the first place.
I sit down next to Tiller who hands me a box of Milkduds, which, by the way, happen to be my favorite. I told him they were two days ago and he remembered. “If she was so fucked up. . . .” I stop because I need to rephrase my question. “I don’t get it. He’s the last person I see falling for. . . .” No, stop. Rephrase, again. “I just can’t see a guy likeShadeputting up with that sort of thing.”
After I say it, I want to take it back because I’m just not sure it came out right.
I look at Tiller and pop one of the Milkduds in my mouth. He’s the classic big brother. You don’t see this side of him very often either because they act more like unstable triplets than one being older than the other.
Tiller’s apprehensive eyes move from mine to the motocross track on the side of the house, Roan and two other guys ripping through it and kicking up a cloud of dust in their wake. “I wondered that myself, at times. They were kids when they met. Like really little. I can’t remember how old.” His stare moves back to mine. “We all loved Rhya.” He pauses, nods, and then scratches the left side of his jaw. “We did. But Shade always loved her a little bit more.” A pain hits my heart. Not just for Shade’s loss, but for the place she held there and because she didn’t appreciate it. “He thought it was his job to save her and honestly, for the sake of my brother, I’m relieved she’s gone. It’s fucked to think that way, I know, but he was going down with her. It was the craziest shit though. His dedication to her was so unwavering and I knew eventually, he was going to destroy himself for her.” He snorts, shaking his head. “I think Rhya knew that and that’s why she did it, to save him. People say suicide is the selfish way out. It’s not. For Rhya, in her fucked up way of thinking, she thought that was the only way tosave himand. . . herself.”
I wonder if Asher thought it was the only way out. I wonder if he thought because I didn’t want to be with him any longer, he didn’t want to go on living anymore?
For a long time, I obsessed over what made Asher take his own life. Was his mind that messed up he wanted out of it? And the way he did it. So brutally. Did he stop to think about anyone else?
And then, after time, I realized it didn’t matter. Asher’s mind was a mystery. A black hole as he called it, and he wanted free of the demons that essentially made him Asher Brandon. When you’re desperate, frantic to escape your own scary thoughts, sometimes your reasoning fails. You’re pushed to the precipice of your drive to live with the addiction or mental illness consuming you.
I don’t know what Asher was thinking in his final moments, nor do I know what Rhya was thinking. I’ll never know for sure, but it makes me feel even closer to Shade because of what we share now, unknowing to him.
I don’t get a chance to say any more or reply to Tiller, even if I did know what to say, because Shade comes outside wearing black and white board shorts and a gray S3 tank top that compliments his body art.
He glances at Tiller and pulls his sunglasses down from his mess of brown hair to cover his eyes. “Are you hitting on my woman?”
I laugh, standing up and reaching for my bag at my feet. “I’mnotyour woman.”
But I want to be!my mind screams.
Tiller smiles and winks at me. “I like you like a sister. One I’d fuck.”
It’s probably the nicest thing he’s said to me. “That’s. . . strangely sweet, yet disturbing.”
Tiller shrugs. “Never said I had morals.”
“Stop talking to him,” Shade mumbles, fist bumps Tiller, and then nods to the house. “Let’s go.” When we’re in the driveway, he notices I’m chewing on something. My chocolate. “What are you eating?”
“Milkduds.” I hold up the package. “Tiller gave them to me.”
He eyes the package then takes it just as quickly and dumps the remainder of the package in his mouth. “Tell Tiller if he gives you candy again, I’ll break his fucking hand.”
I laugh. “You tell him. He’s scary.”
