Page 81 of How to Deal
“Whatever you say.” He laughs, sarcasm lacing the sound of bitterness. With his eyes on mine, he backs me against the wall. I don’t know where Oliver disappeared to, but I’m trapped in Tathan’s steal embrace. “I love you.” He blurts it out. Just like that. No messing around. “I need you. Not to survive, but to make my life worth living. I’m not letting a misunderstanding destroy that.”
Goddamn him. “I don’t even know if I like you.” God, I’m a horrible liar.
He dips his head, catching my eyes and then let’s go of my wrists he had pinned to the wall. Framing my face, he kisses me. Just a quick one, then pulls away. “Bullshit. Yes, you do. I know you’re scared. You’re afraid of the realness of this. You’re scared you won’t be able to walk away from me.”
This motherfucker is too smart for his own good. “I uh. . . .” I can’t form words. Instead, my lips findhis, and I show him how right he actually is.
But then I pull back, just like he had. My mind twists and tumbles over everything I want to say to him. “I have some things I need to say to you. . . and it’s really important that you listen to me.”
He nods slowly, his expression completely unreadable.
Taking a deep breath, I decide not to wait any longer and spill everything I wanted to say over the past couple weeks and had forgotten in the five days of hell. “After Colton, I told myself I wouldn’t depend on a man ever again. I wouldn’t let one in. I thought I understood how love worked, too. Toreallylove someone, the way you need to, there’s a certain amount of dependence there. Dependence I wasn’t going to give anyone because I was scared I wouldn’t be able to walk away.”
“Like I said.”
“Let me finish,” I say, slapping at him.
Tathan crosses his arms over his chest, leaning away from me and against the wall behind him. Fuck, there he goes again leaning. “Fine. Finish.”
“Well,” I smile. “I actually was done.”
A huge weight lifts off my shoulders. Even if he rejects me now—which he won’t because he said he loved me already—at least he knows how I really feel about him, even if I hadn’t told him I loved him.
When I raise my eyes tohis, part of me is surprised to see him smiling. But there’s a certain sadnesstohis eyes. I remember it from before. That night he took me up to Camelback Mountain to watch the sunset and briefly mentioned being engaged at one time. That sadness, it’s still there.A sadnesshe isn’t sure he can let go of. A hole he never mended.
I never realized it, until now, with that sadness lying under the surface of his expression that we’d both been hurt by love.
“The way I love you is fucking consuming,” Tathan says, laughing under his breath. He stares at me. “I probably shot the worst photographs of my life this week.”
“You terrify me,” I admit. “You fucking terrified me.”
His arms wrap around me, drawing me into his chest. “I know,” he agrees, turning his head into my hair, then sighs. Tathan breaths out a long breath in my ear. “Look at me, Amalie,” he says, his voice cracking. Ican’tthough. I try, again, and still can’t. I’ll cry if I do and I cried enough this week. I don’t want to do it anymore. “Please. . . just look at me.”
Tensing and squeezing my eyes shut, I pull back and look up at him.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you by not telling you about her.” He’s speaking softly, trying to make me see. “It took me months to get her out of my head, and I still haven’t. I don’t love her, but you know as well as I do, being hurt like that doesn’t go away. That’s why I didn’t tell you. I didn’t want to go back to that time in my life,if that makes sense.” He swallows, drawing in a deep breath. “Do you know how hard it was to stay in Santa Monica this week with you ignoring me?”
I nod, as though I had expected his response,because I did. My hand moved to his jawline, sighing heavily. “I’m sorry I ignored you.”
Tathan opens his mouth several times to speak and then finally asks, “Do you trust me?”
“Should I trust you?” I ask, and he arches an eyebrow in surprise, making me look in his eyes, hating the heartache at the expression on his face. “My gut tells me I should.”
“Then tell me you love me. Tell me you want this as much as I do.” There’s an easiness about Tathan I adore. A softness I’ve never experienced before him. It’s something I missed this week, and now he’s here, his gentleness is calming.
I want to let the words fall out, so natural, so true they have depths and valleys I can barely understand. I can, however, understand three very simple ones. The ones he’s looking for.
Reluctantly, my eyes lock on his. “I love you,” I tell him, moving toward him again.
With a jerked motion, his fingers dive into my hair, and he inhales deeply. It’s everything I’d been waiting for since he left on Sunday.
Our lips part and he slides one hand around my waist, pressing meflushagainst his chest.
