Page 86 of Unbound
What does it mean to truly forgive someone?
Holding a grudge against someone makes you weak. So weak to the point where you start making excuses for your behavior, and their’s. It makes you bitter to everything around you, including them.
When you truly forgive them, it sets you free.
Free to remember all the good things they did too, not just the one thing they did wrong that you’re holding onto.
That’s how I feel when I decide to forgive Rawley and move on with my life.
It’s been three weeks since Rawley had to leave town. He left the day after Red and Lenny’s wedding to head back to Seattle to finish out the last five gigs in his contract with that piece-of-shit manager Sam.
And though Rawley leaving hurts this time, I can’t help but think it’s funny how things changed so drastically.
The last time Rawley left town I found myself relieved and determined to forget about him. Of course, it was a waste of time considering I found out I was pregnant four weeks after he left. This time though I’m doing everything in my power to feel him even though he’s not here. I started sleeping in his room the night he left. It makes me feel closer to him. So now I lay awake every morning staring at the ceiling thinking of him as I hug his pillow. I miss him and while the daily calls fill some of the void, I can’t wait to see him again. To hold him. To have him hold me again.
As I’m getting Lyric ready that morning and keeping an eye on the weather reports, I get a text from Raven letting me know they got to the restaurant sooner than they expected and were seated at a table.
I look to Lyric who’s taking his shoes off again. Given, they’re hardly shoes, more like slippers but I can’t keep anything on his feet. He’s a barefoot kid all the way.
Glancing out the window to see if the snow’s started yet, I tickle Lyric’s belly lightly. “We need to get going, little man.”
He smiles at me, like “yeah right, Mom.”
Blowing in my hands to gain some warmth in them, I send Raven a quick text once I’m in the car letting her know I’m on my way to the pizza place for lunch. Red and Lenny finally left for their honeymoon two days ago so Tyler and Raven have been watching Chevy and Nova. They waited until Raven was on Thanksgiving break from school because she was adamant she and Tyler watch the kids for them. I think she has a personal agenda she’s not sharing with anyone, but looking at Tyler, I think he’s feeling a bit overwhelmed while Raven is hardly rattled.
Raven is going to make a great mom someday.
Once I’m inside the restaurant, I sit back and watch them for a moment, fascinated by how good of parents they will be. Chevy is all over the place since he started walking and Nova purposely leads him where she shouldn’t in hopes he’ll get lost and never come back. It’s funny, she never leads him to actual danger, but she has been known to lead him to other families in hopes they will just take him home with them. Tyler spends a lot of time racing after them and grabbing Chevy back from wherever Nova has left him.
“Stop checking your phone,” Raven tells Tyler when I’m seated at the table. She’s got Chevy on her lap, and I think the only reason she doesn’t have her phone in her hand is because Chevy’s using it as a chew toy.
Tyler gives her a blank stare. “You should be concerned with this, Raven. We’re supposed to get like three feet of snow.”
It’s rare we get that much snow in a year, let alone in one night.
“We probably won’t get any,” she says, prying her phone from Chevy and then wiping the drool off.
Nova can barely keep herself contained as she’s barely seen snow before other than the time we took her to the mountains last year. “I hope we get snowed in!”
“Are you going to his last show tonight in Seattle?” Raven asks me out of the blue. It takes me a minute to catch up to what she’s referring to. “We can watch Lyric for you if you want to go.”
Honestly, all I’ve thought about today is Rawley playing his last show in Seattle and the temptation to drive up there. Every time I’ve seen Rawley perform, I’ve seen the harsh bitter man he’d become after our breakup. I’ve watched two of his shows on YouTube since he’s left and this guy, the energetic front man of Torque everyone is talking about, I want to see that performance.
Tyler whips his head around with wide eyes gaping at Raven. “Raven! Why would you offer that up right now?” He then gestures to Nova and Chevy with a flick of his wrist. “We’re in over our heads as it is.”
“What? What’s one more kid? You know if we try that egg thingy I might get pregnant with triplets.”
My heart leaps a little at the mention of Raven getting pregnant. Tyler’s seizure medication had inadvertently made him sterile as a teenager. Recently they went to see a doctor who said it might be possible to harvest sperm from Tyler even though he’d been told there was no chance. It was a long shot but the fact that there’s a chance is hopeful for them. It’s a lot better than hearing you’ll never have one of your own.
Tyler motions around the table to the kids again. “We’re only watching two right now and I feel like we’re already outnumbered.”
She takes Lyric from me as he’s chewing on a pizza crust. “Quit your bitchin. We got this.”
“We got this,” Tyler repeats in a mocking tone and then eyes me carefully. “I’m not responsible if his first word ends up being fuck.”
I laugh, knowing there’s a very real possibility of that happening anyway. Focusing on Raven’s question, I’m not entirely convinced Ishouldgo see Rawley. We’ve talked every day since he left and he’s FaceTime’d with Lyric. But part of me wants to go so badly. “I don’t know,” I finally say, looking to Raven. “He may not want me there.” My heart squeezes in my chest at the thought of himnotwanting me there and how that might feel. In the weeks he’s been gone from our lives, he’s told me a few times already he wishes I could come see him play.
Maybe he’d want me there?
