Page 37 of Unbound
“Why’d you do it?” Smoke filters through his nose and mouth as he speaks.
“Do what?” I stare at the field of brown grass and the row of trees behind it full of bright orange and red leaves. “Not tell you about Lyric?”
“No. Why wasn’t I enough? Why’d you have to ruin everything?”
We’re back to that. And of course we are because when I finally told him I lied, and that I cheated on him knowingly, he wasn’t granted with much in the way of closure. He wasn’t himself that night. He came there with a mission of ending us, completely, and he did just that.
“You mean why did I have sex with another guy?”
He flinches, as if my words cause him physical pain and he nods, just once.
“I was scared,” I admit. “Like I said, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, but I didn’t want to regret it.”
“And do you now? Do you regret fucking him… or me?” He sounds empty and I try not to care, but I do. Always.
I don’t answer him right away because, yes, I wholeheartedly regret Mexico and everything that happened there. But there’s parts of my relationship with Rawley I regret too. I think he knows that.
“I regret Mexico… but I also….” I pause there, because those words, I could regret them too. They carry such heavy meaning I can’t just say them and take them back. We both know that. “I hate what you did to me for the last three years since then. I love you, still, probably always, and I hate that. I absolutely hate it because I shouldn’t love you after everything you’ve done to me since then.”
He closes his eyes, shaking his head with a small smirk.
My heart cracks and I know I’m not getting anything out of him today. He’s not ready.
I’m a foot away when I hear the scrape of his shoes on the metal bleachers and he grabs me by the waist. I’m pulled into his embrace.
I don’t know why, maybe because he’s familiar and I still love him, but I wrap my arms around him and straddle his lap burying my head in his neck and hoodie. It’s the smell of him and I miss him so much, cigarettes and cinnamon combined with the mint of his gum he carries in his coat pocket.
Why did I have to fuck this up in the beginning? Why did I want out so badly? Why couldn’t he have been enough for me?
It’s then guilt hits my chest so hard I sob. I don’t know how long I’ve been crying, but I knowwhatI’m crying for. Loss. The loss of what we had because regardless of where this goes from here, nothing will ever be what it used to be between us back when we were in high school.
And he holds me. Like he knows.
I think I cry because we’re not the kids we were the last time we sat on these bleachers together. I don’t even know who they were, because there’s not a shred of those people left in us that I can see anymore.
That girl, the one on the sidelines cheering on her boy, she cheated on him because she thought there was something better out there.
That boy, the one singing to her as he made love to her on the cab of his truck behind the football field, he destroyed her heart because he couldn’t forgive.
We’re both to blame for the destruction.
Rawley moves slightly, his arms tightening around me like he’s never going to let go, but he doesn’t say anything.
It’s the first time in well over a year I’ve had him close and my body reacts to his. Probably for the same reason why after we broke up senior year, any time he came back to me, I let him. My body always responds to him. He buries emotion he may have by kissing me. Sex has always been his answer to this.
Suddenly my face is between his palms, his lips move over mine. It’s urgent and passionate and everything Rawley Walker is to me.
He gasps when he slides his tongue against mine, barely able to breathe, but still he can’t stop himself. Though it’s an answer, it’s not what we should be doing because these kisses answer nothing. If anything, it’s complicating our situation. I don’t stop though. I can’t. I don’t want to. I want to live in this feeling of our mouths connected, regardless of the consequence. Despite the kiss being intense, there’s a softness to his lips I remember, and warmth. His tongue slides against mine, his kiss deepening.
My knees shift on the metal and I move my hips on accident against his. His hands drop from my face to my hips, halting my movements. He doesn’t want me moving. Moaning against my lips, he then pushes me down and I automatically slide against his erection straining beneath his jeans.
It’s wrong, it really is because this is not what I need. I can’t subject Lyric to this. It will only hurt him because I don’t want him knowing Rawley if he’s not going to be what he needs to be.
He’s panting when he pulls away, gasping for breaths, trying to gather himself, and there’s a moment where we stare at each other, neither of us daring to move.
I know this isn’t the answer, but I couldn’t help myself, and I don’t think he could either.
Swallowing and attempting to catch my breath, I move from his lap and sit beside him.
His body stiffens and when I look up, his expression is so intense, as if he’s going to say something. His gaze moves to mine but he says nothing, at least not in words but his eyes, they remind me of when I told him about Mexico and the vulnerability I couldn’t escape for years.
He breaks eye contact, his head turning toward the field, jaw taut as he stands.
“Why are you leaving?”
“Because if I stay, I know I’m going to say something I’m going to regret.” He’s a foot away when he pauses, but he doesn’t look back at me. “We’ll talk… I just can’t right now.”
I hold out hope he means he just needs some space to think. I know it’s a lot: he’s a father to a kid he didn’t know about, but I can’t help but think I really shouldn’t feel guilty about this. I didn’t tell him because the Rawley I know and am constantly dealing with can’t handle fatherhood.
And I know that was wrong. It wasn’t my decision to make. I should have told him and it’s another regret I will have to live with.
