Page 16 of Unbound
My life is not what I imagined it to be. In some ways, it is. In others, it’s completely different from the version I had four years ago before that trip to Mexico. I did something I will forever regret, with the night and the days that followed morphing into something I never wanted.
I made a choice that night, a choice I hated.
Admitting to Rawley I intentionally slept with someone else was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Coming clean is never easy, but I knew if I broke up with him but didn’t tell him, he’d keep coming back, waiting for the truth. I didn’t want him to see what a horrible person I was since I willingly cheated on him.
All I’ve ever known is Rawley. From the time I was ten years old, until I was a senior in high school, I’d been madly, deeply, irrevocably in love with Rawley Allen Walker. I knew for sure one day, I’d marry him. I knew it.
I’m not entirely sure what happened between leaving for spring break with my best friend and her two sisters, and the night at the bar when I slept with another guy. I didn’t go to Mexico with the intention of cheating on Rawley, but somewhere along the way that week with guys all over me and drinks thrown my way, I considered I’d never allowed myself to be carefree. I mean, yeah, I was the cheerleader dating the star quarterback, but looking back on it, I realized I’d been walking the same path since I was ten, never veering, never allowing myself to experience anything other than him. And that’s when it happened. I suddenly pictured myself just out of high school, knocked up and married to Rawley. Don’t get me wrong, the vision of the future I planned for so long was great, but the fear of what would happen in two, five or even seven years later scared the shit out of me. My parents married just out of high school and had me. Seven years later, my dad came to my mom one day, told her he was leaving her and me for his family across the state my mom didn’t even know about. He was a long-haul trucker and had apparently been seeing another woman for four years, had two kids with her.
I didn’t want that for us.
So in a moment of drunken certainty, and my persuasive best friend, Kate, I decided to find out if Rawley was who I wanted. I was an idiot and made the biggest mistake of my life. I mean, I couldn’t even tell you the guy’s name, or what he looked like. It was that bad. I think I cried the entire time too. I know I did on the plane ride home.
When I returned home my conscience ate at me, and I told Rawley what happened and that it was a mistake. That I got drunk and it just sort of happened.
I remember his words to me. They’re engraved on my heart.
“I slept with someone in Mexico,” I whisper over my tears and pounding heart, my fingers gripping the metal bleachers I’m sitting on.
Swallowing, he nods, and then shakes his head, eyes so despondent they look like they’ll be lost forever. “Did you think of me while you were fucking him?” he asks, desperation in his wavering voice. I look at him, needing to see his eyes. “Did you think of me before you broke my fucking heart?”
My breath rushes out in a gasp, my lips parting in shock. “Rawley, please, you have to understand I never meant to hurt you.”
“Yes, you did!” He stands in a rush. “Yes, you fucking did or you wouldn’t have done it! Goddamn it, Sophie! How could you do that?”
The worst part? Worse than telling him the truth?
The Rawley I was left with for the next three years was far worse than any truths I had to live with. A daily reminder that pierces my soul. When I told him it was a mistake, I thought for the briefest moments he would forgive me, but he didn’t, and it went downhill from there. Just weeks before graduation, he wrecked his dad’s car drinking and driving, and nearly killed himself. He lost any chance he had at playing football in college that day because he was charged with a DUI and had his license suspended for a year.
If I would have told Rawley the truth sooner, maybe things would have been different between us. Instead, now I carry the guilt of knowing I created a monster for years and only finally let go of it the day he left.
The relief I felt the night he left, knowing he was never coming back was sad because I shouldn’t have felt that way. I still love him, even now, even after everything, even despite him no longer being the boy I once knew.
It wasn’t long after Rawley left, six weeks to the day, I found out I was pregnant. I cried for three days straight. I’m not even exaggerating. Ask Raven.
I knew immediately it was Rawley’s baby because he’s the only one it could have been. It’s only ever been Rawley. Aside from the one-night stand in Mexico, I haven’t been with anyone besides him. For the last three years, it’s been late night visits and hookups, but I took it because having part of him was better than having none. That night in my apartment was the first time he hadn’t used a condom with me. That wasn’t Rawley that night. It was obvious his head was miles away.
Being on my own with no family and pregnant, Mia, Rawley’s mother convinced me to move in with her. My first instinct was to say no. I feared Rawley would come back and see me there, think I took over his family or was simply there to torture him some more, but Mia assured me it wouldn’t happen.
Even though I knew he was in Seattle, I didn’t know how he was doing. One day I stole her phone to check her messages to him. I needed to know he was okay but didn’t want to ask her. So I got her drunk with wine and when she snuck to the bathroom, I peeked at her phone. The only thing he ever texted her were short answers like, “I’m fine,” or “Can’t talk,” and once… just once… an “I love you,” on her birthday.
At least he still had enough conscience to text her on her birthday.
I found out I was pregnant August 13th. Rawley’s birthday.
I didn’t tell him.
Icouldn’ttell him.
The underlining message he sent the night he left was clear,good-bye forever. I rationalized he didn’t need to know. He wouldn’twantanything to do with us anyway so why hurt the both of us by forcing him to reject us?
In December I found out I was having a boy. Knowing the sex of the baby gave me the final push I needed to find the courage to finally tell Rawley what was going on. When we talked about kids back in school, he always wanted a boy.
When I was about five and half months pregnant, I decided he should at least be given the opportunity to decide for himself what he wanted. I drove up to Seattle, not knowing exactly where he’d be and drove around all Saturday night. It was New Year’s Eve and I knew the band would have a gig somewhere in that town.
After six different bars, I found him in the last one I’d ever think to look, but then it all made sense. With the dark walls and musky smell, it reminded me a lot of Murphy’s.
Rawley was up on stage when I walked in, black hoodie on, hood pulled up over his head, but I knew by the voice it was him. No one had the same sound as him. As I watched him up there, I couldn’t help but see this life he had now was more than his instable soul could manage. The crowd in front of him chanted his name as he leaned into the microphone, face shielded in black. “Has anyone out there ever had their fucking heart ripped out?”
