Page 11 of Unbound
It’s the lyrics to one of my songs, but it filters through my head.
And that’s what I can’t keep doing. The things that I don’t even know why I’m doing them. Wordless phrases. I won’t do it. Hanging my head, my body wants to collapse right next to her, beg her to take away this pain she caused all those years ago. I sit there for a second, breathing deep, trying to calm the fierce beating in my chest and force myself to leave. When I hear her sobs again, the ones that shake the bed as if she’s starting to hyperventilate, I know I need to go.
Without a word, without a breath, I stand, wiping my hands over my eyes once more and make my way outside her room.
I look back when I’m at the door. She’s not watching me leave. She can’t. Maybe this time it’s finally breaking her too. I don’t tell her this is the last she’ll ever see of me. She knows it.
I stand at the door zipping, buttoning and righting my belt. There’s a rolling in my stomach and my throat tightens. I struggle to get just outside her apartment before I throw up. Not only from the drugs earlier, but the wrenching pain in my gut that’s consuming me.
What. Have. I. Done?
My mind flashes with memories of what I just did to her, to us, as I stare at the window seeing where I just fucked her.
Blinking, tears stream down my cheeks uncontrollably. My breathing is shallow and uneven at best. Straightening up, I fall back against the side of the apartment complex, my hands resting on my knees, and I wipe my mouth with my sleeve.
Pulling my knees closer to my chest, I see images of minutes ago. Ones I don’t want to see. Ones where I’m a monster and I don’t even know myself anymore.
It’s then, staring up at the sky, I remember innocent kisses, flag football, and grape Jolly Ranchers shared outside school waiting for the bus when we were ten. I remember the check yes-or-no note I gave her and praying for yes.
But with all I do remember, I hope and pray I don’t remember tonight. The night I destroyed her.
Unfortunately, though, I know I will, just like I remember the night she destroyed me.
Hurting makes you do stupid shit. Makes you love people you shouldn’t. Makes you lie to your heart.
Fuck her.
Fuck her for being stupid, tasting like grape Jolly Ranchers and sweet sugar lips.
Fuck her for kissing me behind the bleachers and the way she gave me her virginity after that championship game sophomore year.
Fuck that night, fuck this place where I’m stranded surrounded by nothing but pain and desperation while I’m reaching out to nothing.
Fuck her.
