Page 50 of Unbearable
I don’t think Holden’s prepared for my blunt answer because he blinks several times, and then several more. Then I think it hits him I’ve moved on and have absolutely no feelings for him.
“Oh.”
“I need to go.” I point over my shoulder with my thumb. “I’m late. Good luck on Friday.”
He doesn’t move from his place in front of me. “I’m not playing this year.”
“You’re not?”
“No. I don’t know if you heard about that party we had at Shasta over the summer….” His voice trails off and I can hear the disappointment in it.
“I heard. Most of Oregon did.” Holden’s fraternity trashed Lake Shasta over the summer and were currently under investigation. Every year for Memorial Day weekend, the University of Oregon’s fraternities invade Lake Shasta in northern California on party boats. Last year it apparently got out of hand.
“That sucks. Didn’t know they’d suspend you over it.”
“They didn’t. I lost my scholarship over it.”
Remember when I said everyone has issues? Apparently Holden does too.
“Sorry.” Is all I offer him. I can’t say I didn’t see it coming with Holden. The moment he left for college my senior year he changed. I didn’t know him as that sweet boy I fell in love with at sixteen any longer and I honestly should have seen it coming when he cheated on me.
“So Tyler….” He’s been dancing around the topic the last two times we’ve had conversations so I’m not surprised when he finally asks, “You like him then?”
Jesus. Trying to walk away is proving difficult.
I release a pent-up breath. “You could say that and I wouldn’t disagree.” Liking him is certainly underestimating these feelings but hey, let’s just go with that for now.
“How long?” I know what he’s asking. He knows as long as I was with him in high school, Tyler was around. What he’s asking can potentially hurt him and after everything, I want to be a little vindictive. I’m entitled to be, right?
“Honestly?”
Holden raises an eyebrow, vulnerability dancing in his eyes. “Yes.”
“Since I was sixteen.”
It’s the roll of his throat as he swallows and his hardening that confirms this bothers him more than he’s going to lead on, more than he’ll ever say. He nods, his lips press together in a slight frown. The look in his eyes, the set anger in his jaw, naturally he’d have this reaction. For so long Holden thought he was the only one. I made him believe he was, so was I any different then him?
“I’m not trying to get back together with you, I swear,” he mutters, hurt and anger simmering beneath the surface. “I get it, I cheated on you, but I guess I just wanted you to know I’m sorry, about everything. I shouldn’t have said those things to you that day and I’ll never forgive myself for that.”
I’m not sure how to react, mostly because he apologized and fully admitted to be a dumb dick. Something I never expected from him.
The words get stuck in my throat, but I manage to get out, “Okay,” I say, nodding. “I really do have to go, Holden.”
He backs up giving me space. “Okay.”
And we part, just like that, much different from Valentine’s Day last year. I can’t help but wonder why he felt now was the time to corner me like that, but then again, maybe he needed closure?
AFTER PACKING SOME clothes, I make the drive to Lebanon and pick up a pizza on the way over to Red and Lenny’s. I’m actually excited for a girl’s weekend with Nova when Tyler texts me.
Tyler: Free tonight?
I do get a little giddy that he’s texting me, despite knowing it’s just for sex.
Me: I’m watching Nova. Red and Lenny went to the beach.
Tyler: Want help?
I know where this is going. He’ll come over and pretend to help only because he wants some and then when he gets it, he’ll leave. Red probably won’t appreciate that much.
