Page 46 of Unbearable
“Are you with Berkley?”
A thickness forms in the air, one that has me wanting to take a deep breath for relief. “No,” I say under my breath, but I don’t know why. I don’t need to lie to her. There’s nothing and never will be anything between Berkley and me again. “Where did you get that?”
She stands, her bag on her shoulder now like she’s going to leave with those words. No fucking way. “Does it matter?”
Is she serious?
She is.
“Yes, it fucking matters.” Ripping the sheet away, I stand, her eyes roaming over my naked body. Bending over, I pull my shorts from the floor on. “Who took that?”
“Rawley.” Her voice is timid, as if she didn’t want to tell me, but did.
Anger rushes through my veins. My hands shake as I run them through my hair just before yanking my shirt over my head. “What is he, in high school again? What the fuck?”
“He’s only looking out for me,” Raven mumbles, turning to walk into the living room.
“Yeah, and he’s fucking my ex. He’s looking out for himself is what he’s doing,” I yell, following her.
She stops at the door, but doesn’t face me. I hate that she’s thinking of walking out after accusing me of this shit. “What were you doing talking to her then?”
“She keeps trying to talk to me says she wants to be friends and I told her I didn’t want to be her goddamn friend,” my words are rushed and damn near pleading despite my anger for the situation and fucking Rawley, “she showed up at the bar to ask again.”
She turns now, her eyes on the floor, refusing to meet mine. “What did you say?”
“I told her to fuck off. I don’t need any more friends.” I snort once the reality of this argument sinks in, simmering below the surface. “And you know, it kind of pisses me off that I’m having to explain this shit to you.” I fling my hand up in the air. “Do you honestly think I’d go back to her after everything she did to me?”
Her back meets the door, still no eye contact. “I don’t know. I barely know why you guys broke up. And you can’t give me more than sex. What am I supposed to think other than she still has your heart?”
“All you need to know is that we broke up. It doesn’t fucking matter anyway. It’s not like I’m getting back together with her. I’m done with her.” I take another step back hoping with the movement, she might look at me. “I’ve never given you a reason to think I would and just because Holden’s a cheating bastard doesn’t mean everyone is.” I hate mentioning Holden, I do, but I do it so she sees I’m nothing like him.
She doesn’t say anything. We both know I’ve avoided her real question, if only she knew. But I can’t open up to her. I can’t be who she needs me to be.
“This is what I was afraid of, Raven.” I take a step toward her, hoping she might let me touch her. “You’re overthinking it. Yeah, we’re not in a relationship by the definitionyouwant, but when I’m with someone, I don’t fuck around.”
Raven sighs, shaking her head when my hand cups her cheek. She leans into it; she wants it there. “Tyler.” I can hear the dejection in her voice. “I don’t want to fight with you.” She smiles softly, but the action doesn’t touch her eyes. It’s more of a reflex, forced. “We used to have so much fun and I don’t know why that ended.”
“I’m sorry I overreacted.” Bringing her into my chest, I wrap my arms around her, my chin resting on her head. “I have a lot on my mind and when I’m with you, I’m able to relax. I just get mad when you question my intentions here and don’t give yourself enough credit. Whether you realize it or not, you’re one of the most important people in my life.”
She nods, her posture weakening.
I draw back, my hand under her chin. “Are you hungry?”
She nods again.
“Come on, I’ll make you something to eat.”
I FIX HER some eggs and toast that morning but there’s a nagging sensation clawing at my chest, I ask, “Are you mad I didn’t call? Is that what all this is about?”
She can’t look at me, her eyes are focused on her plate as she pushes the eggs around with her fork. Part of me doesn’t want her to look at me because I don’t want her seeing my guilt for not calling.
She shrugs.
Stepping around the counter, I turn her to face me on the stool. My left hand reaches to tuck a loose strand of her hair behind her ear.
Leaning in, her scent clouds my judgment. “I don’t know why I didn’t, Raven. It’s not that I didn’t want to, it’s just I’ve got some messed-up shit in my head. It’s not you though. It’s never anything you’ve done.” My answer is real and just as raw as the pain hitting my chest because she won’t look at me. I can sense she’s distancing herself, protecting her heart from me and I get it, I do, doesn’t mean I like it.
Raven doesn’t say anything and I know what’s happening. She’s shutting herself down emotionally because she thinks I’m going to break her heart.
In some ways, I’m glad she is. In others, it hurts to know I’m willingly doing it. It’s the last thing I ever intended to do.
