Page 93 of The Only Thing That's Real
The churning intensifies into twisting knots of pain. How can she not agree with this? I’m making sure none of her fears come to fruition. What more could she possibly want me to sacrifice? I don’t dare speak, hoping she’ll explain herself.
“You have every right to be in his life and be a part of all decisions made on his behalf. Whether that’s what age he should start riding or playing rec soccer or club baseball. You should be at teacher conferences and doctor’s appointments. He may not live with you full-time, but he needs to know who you are to him. You both deserve that.”
The knots in my stomach release, and I grab my son again, helping him fly his dinosaur before tugging him in for another quick hug to quell my shaking body. “Really?”
“Yes. You are his father.”
“You sure?”
“I am. We’ll figure out the paperwork when you’re ready. I know you’ll do whatever it takes to keep him safe, though.”
“I will.”
“I know.”
There’s so much going through my mind that the room is closing in around me. Flashes of the future and a teenage Sawyer rejecting me. Not wanting me in his life. The press finding out and putting him in the spotlight. The anxiety is stifling and I need some air, even if the last thing I want to do is let go of him.
“Hey, buddy. Why don’t we put your toys away and go say hi to the horses?”
I release him, and he scurries off my lap to clean up, excited to see the animals. His chubby cheeks beg to be squeezed as his tongue sticks out of the corner of his mouth the entire time he focuses on his task.
All the questions I’ve had about him and his life thus far have vanished. There’s time for those questions to be answered later. Right now, I just want to know him.
Want to be in his orbit.
“He’s perfect, Mia.”
“I know.”
Chapter Forty-Eight
Ryan
Ryan
I miss your porch swing.
Knox
Being a dad is the scariest thing I think I’ll ever do.
Sitting in my chair, with two heavy black curtains on either side of me, it’s strange to reconcile the sweat-drenched rock star on the stage with the man who cried in my arms two days ago. When he came home from meeting with Mia and Sawyer, I was where I spent most of my downtime this past week, on his porch swing. He joined me but was silent, his emotionsradiating from him.
Not knowing what to say, I straddled him, wrapped my arms around his neck and held him. He clung to me as though I were his human flotation device. He didn’t sob, but the warmth of his tears on my neck broke my heart. I wanted to heal all the parts of him that were hurting. Instead, I held him, and he held me until he was ready to talk. As he recapped his visit with Sawyer and Mia, his varied and plentiful emotions overwhelmed him. He was happy, sad, angry, frustrated, scared, proud. Every emotion flashed across his features and thickened his voice.
Yesterday, Angus drove us to the airport. I sat in the backseat next to Sawyer’s car seat with my earbuds in to give the brothers privacy. After the short drive, it was as though the boulders weighing him down had crumbled to the ground. He’s been smiling ever since. Happier than I’ve ever seen him.
That joy is evident in his performance tonight. Much to everyone’s surprise, he started the show wearing a black fedora ala Frank Sinatra. When the band started playing “New York, New York” it made me misty for my grandfather. It’s not a typical Hollow Knocks song, but the guys added their own edge to it, making it absolutely rock. After the song was over Knox addressed the crowd and melted my heart.
“Hello, New York! Welcome to night one at the legendary Madison Square Garden! We thought we’d kick things off with a little thank you to this city that has treated us so well over the years.” The crowd goes crazy. He waits to continue until after they’ve quieted. “We’d also like to dedicate tonight’s show to the great Richard Jameson. May he forever rest in peace with the love of his life.”
As if I wasn’t head over heels for this man, he sealed my fate with that dedication.
His new zest for life isn’t only evident on stage. He’s no longer keeping his distance from me, instead holding my hand or touching me in some way. He even kissed me in front of everyone, including the film crew, before taking his place on stage with his best friends.
I’m having the time of my life watching not only Knox, but the entire band of men I now consider friends. Family even. Marie, Kristen, and Jenn are in the crowd tonight, not wanting to miss a moment. Knox asked me to stay here, so I did. His eyes have met mine several times over the last hour, and every time they do, I fall even harder.
A tap on my shoulder interrupts the trance his voice has me under. Standing to see who it is, my heart drops to my stomach.
