Page 32 of The Only Thing That's Real
Especially when sitting next to her was my baby brother. At first, I thought they were calling to tell me they were together. Which they were, but that was only part of why they called.
That’s when everything came crashing down around me. I hadn’t even remembered being with her in that bathroom at the Grammy after-party. Flashes of the night came flooding back to me as she explained. That was the same night my brother, sitting at her side, stayed by my side to make sure I was okay after drinking myself into a stupor.
Angus is a good man. One of the best. If I’m not with Sawyer, I can’t imagine a better man to help raise him. It doesn’t stop the pain that has plagued my heart and my psyche since hearing the news.
Sawyer is better off with Angus as a father.
Within that five-minute phone call, I felt the joy of my brother being in love with someone as great as Mia. Then shock, shame, self-hatred, and jealousy quickly obliteratedthat joy. I’ve wanted nothing more than to be a father, but my son’s mother made it clear that she had no intention of the world I live in infiltrating Sawyer’s life. I can’t say I blame her.
It was a lot to take in, and I didn’t handle it well. My reaction, or lack thereof, wasn’t okay. I gave nothing. I asked what she wanted from me, and she said nothing at all. She just couldn’t be with my brother without coming clean.
The only reason she told me was so she could be with Angus.
I said I had to go and ended the call, then as soon as my laptop was closed I ran to the bathroom to throw up.
I stayed in my hotel room for the next 48 hours. I didn’t drink. I didn’t watch TV. I didn’t answer my phone. I sat in my room in silence, trying to figure out where it all went wrong. When did I become a person my father would be ashamed to call his son?
That my child couldn’t call Dad.
Feeling shitty, I emailed her and offered child support. I told her if she didn’t want it, I would start a trust for him. The only other thing I asked was to be the one to teach him how to ride a horse when the time came. But I still didn’t ask about Sawyer or how things had been for her. It’s been two months now. I didn’t think it was possible for me to be a bigger asshole, but somehow, I’ve managed.
Enough.
I’m tired of being the kind of man I’m ashamed of. Tired of spending my life pissed about what I don’t have instead of making the most of what I do. Tired of keeping people like Ryan at a distance.
This first half of my life is quicklycoming to an end, and I really don’t want to live the second half like this. I can’t. It’ll kill me.
Tugging my phone out of my back pocket, I pull up Mia’s number.
Knox
Hey, I’d love to talk if you’re willing.
Knox
U pick the time & I’ll make it work. We have shows Fri-Sun but we’re on the east coast and I can talk after. We’re usually done around 8 or 8:30 your time.
That done, I make my way through the building to where Ryan is chatting with the girls. There’s something in her hand, but before I can see what it is, she stuffs it into her pocket, but keeps playing with it. I’ve seen her do this on many occasions, and I can’t help but wonder what it is. Not that I deserve to know.
I know I shouldn’t infect her with my disease, but I’m a selfish bastard and she’s the only thing that makes me smile anymore.
Chapter Eighteen
Ryan
Knox
What’s in your hand?
Ryan
My phone
Knox
Smartass.
Knox
