Page 110 of The Only Heart that Matters
Pushing past her, I storm through the front door and into the heavy Oregon drizzle so familiar this time of year, but before my feet hit the last porch step, her voice reaches me. She’s so quiet at first, I’m not sure she meant for me to hear her. But her words pierce through my chest as they splinter my heart.
“Maybe it was because all I ever wanted was for you to see me. But you never did, and I knew you never would. That night, aMcKinnon brother finally saw me. It was just the wrong one. He wasn’t you, but he was the next best thing.”
Frozen to my spot on the stairs, I don’t dare move. I don’t turn to look at her. It hurts too much. To hear her truth. To know she’s wanted me all these years, and I missed it. She continues, slicing my heart through and through with each word.
“A two-minute indiscretion changed my life forever. It gave me my son. Angus, as sorry as I am for hurting you, I will never apologize for Sawyer.”
My first tear falls, mixing with the rain soaking me to the bone. How could she ever think I would expect her to be sorry for Sawyer? She shouldn’t be. He’s amazing. But I don't tell her that. Instead, I keep my back to her like a coward.
“Was I wrong to keep it from Knox? Maybe. But the moment I took that test and found out I was pregnant, I knew I would protect my child with everything I am. That includes shielding him from his father, a man who made it clear he doesn’t want kids and will never see him as more than an accident some woman used as a ploy to gain access to his fame and fortune. Knox and all that comes with him is the last thing I want. The last thing I’ve ever wanted. The only person I’ve ever wanted is you. I understand if this is too much for you to overcome, I do. I will accept my fate, as long as you know you are the only person I’ve ever wanted. You are the only man I’ve ever loved. It’s always been you, Angus.”
Her words fall silent, but the wooden board under her feet squeaks when she takes a step down the stairs toward me. But being the coward that I am, I take the last step from the porch and flee from the only womanI’veever loved.
I’m not in control of my emotions and I need the trek back to my truck to gain some semblance of sanity. I need space. Time to wrap my head around it all.
Around the fact that Mia and Sawyer aren’t mine.
They never were.
And most shocking, that a woman like Mia loves me.
She fucking loves me.
Chapter Forty
Angus
Sitting in the cab of my truck, soaked to the bone after my walk back to the barn, I’ve started the engine, but can’t seem to shift it into drive.
It killed me to leave Mia on my doorstep. The doorstep to the house I had hoped to share with her and Sawyer forever, not just while my loft was being worked on. My loft has been ready for me to move back into for the last two days, but I didn’t tell anyone because that meant leavingthem.
Now that they’ve become a part of my life, how am I supposed to live without them? To pretend like I haven’t experienced the best life has to offer? Anything else will be second-rate. How do I not take care of them? Not have dinner waiting for her when she gets home. Not read Sawyer his bedtime stories or help Mia change the sheets in the middle of the night when his diaper leaks. I want their highs and lows. I want their everything.
My teeth are chattering, but I barely register the cold as I put my truck in drive to head home. Not home, but the loft. My truck knows better, though, and it steers me to Mom’s place where the lights are on.
Felling like a zombie on autopilot, I knock on Mom’s front door before letting myself in. The open cuts on my hands sting as I slip off my boots and weave through the house to find Mom sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of tea warming her hands, seemingly oblivious to my arrival.
“Hey, Mom. You okay?”
She startles and glances at me before dropping her gaze to the cup in her hands. “Hey, son. I’ll be fine. It’s just one of those nights.”
What’s left of my broken heart crumbles into pieces at the sight of the desolate woman before me.
“Care if I join you?”
“That would be nice.” She pats the space to her left.
I take the seat, scooting the chair closer so I can I put my arm around her. She rests her head on my wet shoulder, not commenting on the state of my appearance.
“I miss him.” Her voice is solemn. I’ve never heard her like this.
“Me too.”
God, how I miss my dad.
“Your father was far from perfect, but he loved me something fierce. In the end, that’s all that matters. Life without him is just so much less than it used to be.”
“I can’t imagine how hard this has been on you. I’m so sorry.”
