Page 107 of The Only Heart that Matters
“Sure you can.”
God, I want to. I really do.
Rage is building inside me. The need to get everything off my chest is so intense all I can do is open my mouth and bellow until the rafters shutter and the horses whinny. After I’ve screamed for what could have been a few seconds or minutes, my chest is heaving and my throat is sore.
Cal sits us up, pulling me into his arms. “What is it? You’re scaring the shit out of me.”
I can’t tell him Mia’s truth, so I tell him mine. “I love her, Cal. I fucking love her and that kid so damn much it hurts.” My words are so low, I doubt he would hear them if he wasn’t hugging me as tight as he is.
Hearing myself admit my feelings out loud opens a floodgate of pain that rushes through my soul. Deep down, I knew that’s what this was. Of course I did. It’s always been love when it comes to Mia. Dr. Laughlin has asked and I’ve answered, but I’ve never said it out loud to myself or anyone else, including her. And now, what does it even matter? She was out of reach before, but now…
Why couldn’t I have stayed on the sidelines? I should have continued to watch from afar. Sure, I was a miserable bastard, but this pain…. I’ve felt nothing like it before. It’s not the same hurt you feel with the loss of a parent. It’s not even the same as the devastation of losing Chris and the others that day. Now I know what it’s like to eat dinner with her and Sawyer every night. To help with bath time and story time. I know what she tastes like. Feels like. Sounds like when she comes. I could only imagine all of this before. Now, I know what I’ll be missing and the future I had been naïve enough to think might be ahead of me has been erased.
Cal pulls back, leaving his hands on my shoulders. There’s a small smile on his face. “Of course you do. But that doesn’t explain the door.”
“What do you mean, of course I do?”
Why is he not surprised by my confession? Yes, he questioned me the other day, but I never confirmed his suspicion.
He scoots away, pressing his back against the door I was trying to murder mere moments ago. We’re still sitting on the barn floor, but my chest is no longer heaving, and my violent range has tamped down.
“The way you two look at each other is hard to miss, little brother. I’d venture to say the feeling is mutual. So, what sent you into such a fit?”
“You think she loves me?”
“Don’t be stupid. What’s not to love?”
“Seriously?”
“Gus, if the way she looks at you is any indication, I do.”
I let his words zip around my head and, unfortunately, my heart. A childhood crush doesn’t mean love. She may want me. But loves me? Could my idiot brother be right? And what if he is? What does it matter now?
“You still with me?” Callen says with a snap of his fingers.
“What? Uh, yeah. I’m still here.”
“So, what’s got your panties in a bunch?”
“Listen, it doesn’t matter. None of it does. We can never be, so fuck it. You know?” I stand and brush the dust and hay from my clothes. Avoiding my brother's eyes as he stands too.
“Why? Because of Daisy?” he challenges.
“I have a feeling Daisy would have a lot to say about the matter, but it’s more than that.”
“Please tell me it’s not about Chris.”
“I would say the fact that she’s my sister’s best friend, mom’s goddaughter, and her brother died in my arms are pretty sizable roadblocks. Besides, I don’t deserve her.”
It’s taking every bit of willpower I have not to tell him about Knox. Devastated or not, I don’t share. Hell, Knox doesn’t even know.
How could she not tell him?
This whole situation is just so fucked up.
For now, if Cal thinks Daisy and Chris are what’s holding me back, so be it.
He shoves my shoulder. “That’s bullshit and you know it. She’d be lucky to have your love. You know that, right?”
