Page 52 of Only When We Fall
“Great. Thanks. But I’m here now.” She rolls her eyes but gathers her things. The others follow, muttering.
Kai doesn’t move. I slide into the booth beside him, careful not to touch him, not yet.
He shifts slightly, eyes still closed. “You saw, then?”
“I saw.”
He exhales, slow and hollow. “You mad?”
“No.”
His brow furrows. He opens his eyes, finally looking at me. “I thought you’d yell,” he says quietly. “Or leave.”
“I thought about it. But then I remembered we’re both evolving, right? Being better.”
A shadow of a smile touches his lips, but it doesn’t last. I nudge the half-empty glass away from him. “You don’t have to do this, you know.”
“What? Drink?” His voice is rough. “I wasn’t trying to get wasted. Just, trying not to feel like I’m drowning.”
I nod. “Well, you suck at it.”
That earns a small laugh.
I lean back, breathing in the sour air of the bar. “I’m sorry,” I say. “About Landon. About the messages.”
His jaw tightens, but he doesn’t look away. “It’s not your fault.”
“He had no right.”
“No. He didn’t.”
We sit in silence for a beat, the world carrying on around us, music pulsing, people shouting, drinks clinking. But none of it touches us.
“I wanted to come after you,” I say softly. “But I didn’t know if you wanted to be found.”
“I didn’t.”
My heart sinks. “I can leave.”
His hand finds mine, our fingers interlocking. “But I’m glad you did.” Kai looks down at our joined fingers like he’s afraid they’ll disappear if he blinks. “I didn’t want you to see me like this,” he says finally.
I squeeze his hand. “Like what?”
“This,” he mutters. “Falling apart. After everything, I didn’t want to be someone else who let you down.”
My heart twists. “You didn’t.”
He lets out a breath, and his thumb brushes gently over my knuckle. “Those things I wrote, I never meant for anyone else to read them. Not even you, if I’m honest. I just, God, I felt like I was splitting in two back then.”
“I know,” I whisper.
He nods, swallowing. “I spent so long pretending I was fine that I forgot how to admit when I wasn’t. And then you happened. And it was like, I needed to tell you why I behaved the way I did, try and make sense of it.”
I lean my shoulder against his. He doesn’t pull away. “You don’t have to be okay all the time,” I say. “Not with me.”
He turns his head slightly, just enough that his hair brushes mine. “I wish I could go back,” he says. “Undo what happened. Not just with Landon, but with you. I wish I’d been better.”
I close my eyes. “You’re trying to be now. That’s what matters.”
