We sit in silence. Somewhere, an owl calls out. And I think about the future I want. One that looks a lot different from almost any version the me of the past almost eighteen and a half years has dreamed of. But one that could be better than even the me existing right now could imagine.
“I remember watchingA Knight’s Talefor the first time,” I tell him, my own voice sounding a little tired now, especially with the hot water and the way his hands on my muscles are relaxing me. “And seeing Heath Ledger’s character get that bandana or whatever it was from his girl when he was about to joust. Ever since then I’ve wanted that. I’ve wanted the football version of that. I used to picture having a girlfriend who shows up to my games and makes me want to show off for her and think, that’s what I want my life to look like. To see a girl I’m in love with there in the stands, just for me.
“And then I realized that I’d actually be just as happy if it was a boyfriend showing up to my games. Wearing my name on his back. I’d be just as happy to play for him. To look over at the stands after making a save that’s going to go viral on social media and see a boy I’m falling in love with cheering me on. It was you. Itisyou. I’m not giving that up. I’m not giving you up. I’m not going another season leaving that part of me off the pitch. I don’t want to.”
Vale’s head shoots back up again and his hands come up to my head, fingers gliding down the side of my jawline. And his mouth curves into a smile as he says, “You’re falling in love with me?”
I let out a quiet laugh, letting those hands nudge me close and to his lips. I nod, letting myself enjoy this kiss before telling him, “I am. I’m falling in love with you, Vale.”
“I’m falling in love with you too, Gabi.”
“We’re going to be okay,” I add. “And one day I’m going to kiss you in the stands. Right there on the pitch, even.”
That’s what I want. A month and a half is all I need. Just keep being the person who doesn’t stray, who follows orders, who gives double, triple everyone else for the game and for Coach and for Barrera. Don’t give them any reason to put me on their shit list, and we’ll be okay.
“I promise.”
27
I DON’T WANT TOlet Vale go when we’re back in Corpus. I hold him, right here in the driveway of his cousins’ house, making Kat and Pérez wait. Even after getting as much of him as I could possibly want the last couple days and even after Pérez gave us that big, knowing smile on Saturday morning before jumping on me all, “That’s my boy!El Chivo in the bedroom too, huh?!” and even with the promise that I’ll see him tomorrow like I have every single Monday this semester, I just need a little longer before we’ve got to go back to pretending. BeforeI’vegot to go back to pretending.
One more second of holding him in my arms. One more kiss.
And the ten, fifteen minutes it takes to drive to our place feels so lonely. Pérez reaches back and pats my knee, giving me a sympathetic smile, and I do my best to return it before letting my head rest on the window. I close my eyes, thinking about the memories we’ve made over the last forty-eight-plus hours. Two days of waking up cuddling him and hearing him say, “Morning,corazón.” Of us cooking together, trying to dodge grease shooting out of the frying pan when we were making bacon and cutting up vegetables together for pico de gallo. Of tubing on the river, looking at the stars, Kat yelling at Pérez’s drunk ass as he started running down the dirt road (Naruto style, obviously) in the middle of the night. Spending so many of those hours in bed with him, just the two of us and that bottle of lube.
And, for a second, this feeling of resentment rushes through my veins. For a second, I hate the fact that I’ve got to go back to practice, go back to standing in front of a goal, go back to being this great, promising player and pretend like the relationship between me and this game is equal. I hate how I realize more and more that I love it more than it loves me. And, as serious as I am about wanting to be honest and out and brave, the question keeps pressing at the front of my brain:
Will the pitch miss me if it pushes me away?
At least I have time. And that fact is both shitty and relieving. Just as much as thinking about the day when I’ve got nothing left to hide is both exciting and terrifying.
“You’re going to be alright,” Kat says, nudging my arm as we slowly walk across the parking lot. “You’re the GOAT for a reason, yeah?”
“Yeah,” I tell them back, my voice more tired than anything. All the things we did (and maybe that Vale and I did, specifically) are catching up to me, as great as I slept when we finally conked out. But in the couple of hours I’ve got before heading to my parents’ for a bit, I’m ready to get undressed, jump onto my bed, cuddle with one of my pillows like it’s my boyfriend, and—
“Pineapple.”
Hearing that word makes me freeze midstep, right in the middle of the parking lot. Our place is straight ahead, but, in the corner of my eye, there’s Leana, standing between me and the stairs that lead up to where she lives.
“Don’t look so guilty.”
“I—my bad. Scared me.” I look at her and then to Kat and Pérez, watching me like they’re waiting for orders. “I’ll catch up. Y’all go on without me.”
Leana waves at them as they walk away and then looks back at me, giving me a smile that turns into a quiet laugh. “Sorry. Saw you and … I guess I would’ve felt weird if I just let you walk by.”
“Nah, it’s fine. You’re good.” My legs finally decide that I should move somewhere before someone’s truck makes me a speed bump. As I walk over to her, I ask, “What’re you up to? Looks like you’ve just got back from a slumber party or something.”
“Okay,Dad,” she says with a teasing smile. “Well, if you’re going to be all metiche about my business, I’m actually just getting back from a whole weekend with my pledge sisters. Then I’m putting all this away and going to the library. I have a test tomorrow that I amnotready for. I’ll be honest, when I told you I wanted to make some girl friends for once, I did mean it, and I really love all of them. Well, I love all of them and like most of them. But after the last two days, I could use some quiet and a textbook. And something caffeinated. I asked Vale if he wanted to come study with me, but this fool was like, ‘I’m tired; I’m about to take a nap.’ ”
I let out ahmmkind of laugh. I guess that makes two of us. And for the shortest of moments, I think about texting him, asking if I can sneak through a window or something, and nap with him. I’m already not enjoying the fact that I have to sleep alone tonight when I’d much rather be spooning my boyfriend.
I wonder if she knows where he was all weekend. If he talks about me to her. If she knows about us. There’s nothing on her face that saysI know you were blowing my best friend’s back out the whole weekend. We kept it all pretty under wraps. And I’m pretty sure Vale would’ve told me if he said anything about us to her.
Leana crosses her arms, and she makes that face she used to when she was really putting her brain to work. When she’sthinking really hard about what she wants to say next. That specific look that tells me she’s trying to be vulnerable right now.
“I, uh … I miss our morning runs.Justthe runs. I mean, you know. Not that you weren’t great—”
“I do too, Leana.”
