And when Kat comes in for a hug, I do cry.
I cry for how great being with Vale felt. How I want even more. I cry for all those moments when I realized I was crushing on him and how right it felt. I cry for a future that requires me to drop some parts of myself and hand over the rest.
For the first time in my entire life, my future doesn’t seem so golden.
Pops told me to reach for those moments, especially the tough ones. This, though, is feeling like a lose-lose situation.
“I’m not saying any of this to put you down, okay?” Kat tells me, still holding on to me. “Or to put Vale down. You’ve got me in your corner. Always. The both of you. And y’all are big boys; you can make your own choices. But I know that, one day, some guy’s going to be on a pitch, representing all those little boys whodon’t feel like they fit in with this sport. Changing the hearts and minds of a lot of people who care way too much about what guy players are doing in their free time. Because, and I hate to break it to them, football is gay as fuck. Sports in general are gay as fuck.”
“I’m not brave enough to let it be me.” I want to be a hero, even if just for myself, but I don’t see where I win or how to defeat the bad guys.
“Nah, you are. Not only that, you’re good enough to make anyone who says you don’t belong eat their words. You’re smart, Chivo. And you’re a GOAT in the making for a reason. It doesn’t have to be you, but why not you? Because, truth is, out of everyone in the house, me included, you’re the one who’s going to run all the way with this. You’re going to be the one people remember. I know that one day I’ll see you on TV, probably in a finals match for a World Cup. Or, who knows, maybe I’ll be in the stands. And Gabo, my biggest wish for you is that I get to smile with pride seeing you there instead of pitying you. That, when I see you, I see someone who never compromised any part of himself instead of knowing what you gave up to be there. Or, not even that. Knowing what every punk-ass little bitch made youbelieveyou had to give up to be there and seeing you spit it back at them. It’s not their journey, Gabo. It’s yours. You can—”
“Gabo!”a voice yells from the other side of the pitch.Pinche—it’s Pérez. “Kat! What are y’all doing out here? And why were y’all hugging without me?”
“I know what you said,” Kat tells me quietly as Pérez jogs over. “But, I’m just saying, Orlando’s come to bat for me more times than I’d honestly like him to. I know he’d be cool about this. He’d have your back. All your roommates would.”
“I’m not trying to make it their problem.”
“It’s not a problem.Gab— I promise you, there’s a world where you realize it’s the opposite of a problem.”
“Okay. Sure. But, either way I’m not telling Pérez. It’s two totally different situations. He’s not on your team. Your room isn’t right above his.”
“I get that. I do. But I felt the need to defend him. For my own peace of mind. As wild as he is literally every minute he’s awake and even when he’s asleep too, he’s a good guy.” Kat pats my back, turning toward Pérez, giving him a soft smile that turns into a“Fucking Orlando”and a breath of a laugh when he says, “Watch this,” and tries to do a somersault but lands dirty, letting out a painedoofas his back and ass hit the ground.
“They all are,” Kat says, whispering to me. “Your whole house would fight for you. But he’d be a solid start.”
I take a deep breath in, slowly letting it out through my nose before putting a foot of distance between us. “Fine. I’ll think about it. But no one else on the team. Not yet.”
“Whatever you want, Chivo.”
“’Ey!” Pérez says, holding his hand out for high fives from both us. “Thanks for the invite, fam. What’s going on? I was thinking of going to get some tacos and was looking for y’all; see if you wanted to come with, and—hold up. Have you been crying, Gabo?”
“I—what?”
“Your eyes are red and your whole face”—his hand circles his own head as he talks— “looking kinda rough. You okay?”
I glance at Kat, who’s looking at me, their eyes repeatingI know he’d be cool about this.
I want to believe them. And having someone on the team know, it would make this feel a little less lonely. So, letting out a deep breath, I tell him. “I’m bi.”
Pérez immediately goes quiet and stops talking about whatever else he had to say about tacos, but he doesn’t look angry. A little surprised, for sure, but that’s it. “I’m bisexual.And Vale and I, we’re boyfriends. I like him. A lot. So we’re going to try this out, the two of us. And this is me telling you I’m bi, for, like, the third time now and don’t tell anyone.Please.We’re mostly keeping this between the two of us, and I guess now you two. And—”
“Gabo. Gabo.Piña,” Pérez yells, finally getting my attention. “Damn. Finally. Breathe, bro.”
He comes in closer to me, our sides pressing against each other, and his arm goes around my shoulders, his other hand to my chest, patting at my heart. I look at Kat, who gives me a soft smile and a nod. A sign that I can breathe. That the world didn’t end. That, at least, right now, everything’s okay.
“You’re good, papi.We’regood. Yeah? At least, so far. If I find out you’ve been keeping this from me for weeks, then I’m going to feel a little betrayed.”
“No, it— I mean, I’ve been trying to keep this from myself, honestly. How I’ve felt a type of way about him for a while, and that I actually have also felt a type of way for a couple guys in my life, and I can admit that now, and it feels good to. But we talked it out this morning—”
“Is thatally’all did?”
My eyes go wide, staring at Pérez.“Why, did you hear us?”
“What?” he asks, his face as confused as mine is horrified.
“I—nothing. No. Stop being cochino. We didn’t—we did some stuff, yeah, but we didn’t go all the way and—why am I even telling you this?”
