“I … I don’t know. But I don’t really think so.”
He lets out a sigh that turns into a whistle. Something about it looks a little sad, or like he’s pitying me. “Maybe so,” he says as he stands up. “Maybe my son has everything figured out about himself at eighteen years old.”
“I could.”
Pops takes the few steps down to the concrete pathway leading to the road, muttering “Pinche cabroncito” and looking back at me when he reaches the ground. “Or you need to call bullshit on yourself, mi’jo. Parts of you that you thought were set? You can change your mind on. Hell, if you’re not changing, you might not be living. Don’t go getting into trouble, but you should get uncomfortable every now and again. Are you scared of changing?”
“I—” I don’t know how to answer that honestly. “I don’t know. No? Nothing’s ever beenthatscary about changing or growing up.”
His foot comes up, resting on the lowest step, and he leans into it as he keeps his eyes on me. “Do me a favor, alright? For your Pops who never got the college experience. Do the thing that terrifies you. Take those chances. And whenever you’re in a place where you’re feeling nervous or scared, think about the future you who’s going to at least be glad you confronted that fear, no matter how it turns out. It’s those moments in life that make it worth living. That you’ll look back and remember as the best parts, as hard as they might’ve been.”
“Did you ever have one of those moments?”
Pops lets out a breath and stoops low so he can sit by me, not caring about my sweat as his arm goes across the back of my shoulders. And he stares straight ahead as he tells me, “I was really good at running away from them. And maybe that’s why I want you to find them. Meet them head-on.”
“What happened?”
“Lots of things.” He takes a deep breath in and out, giving me a small smile. “I was offered the chance to go to school, you know? But I thought,Nah, I’m too stupid. It’d be a waste of money. I’ve got siblings to take care of.And there was the first time your Mom and I were hanging out, but she wanted someone for thelong haul. Someone serious. And I didn’t believe I could be that kind of guy then. I could’ve missed out on this life,on you, if she hadn’t given me a second chance. If she didn’t see in me my potential.”
“So Mom was your moment?”
“I guess so, huh?” Pops answers, his smile getting more toothy. “You too, though. Knowing I could be missing out on something great by continuing to be this boy who fools around all the time instead of manning up. I did it for her, but also for you. All those times when we were dating and she’d talk about having kids and it’d scare the shit out of me. Until it didn’t, and I started thinking about how exciting it could be. How much I wanted you. And the idea that I could be a dad, and wanting to be a really good one.”
“You are, for what it’s worth.”
“Pos, I try. Go find yours, now, okay? Whether it’s a person or something about yourself or an opportunity. And know nothing can stop you, boy. Even if it’s hard and scary—because change and growing up can be—keep going, keep finding. As long as, deep down, it doesn’t feel wrong, don’t ignore it. Alright? Like I tell you, go be someone’s hero.”
“I will, Pops. I’ll try.”
“Good. This is me giving you permission. Go see how Fonzie is right. I don’t want you looking back at this time, years from now, regretting never having let yourself change your mind or figure yourself out, even when you thought there was nothing left to figure out. Don’t say no to something you might want tomorrow just because you never thought about having it today. Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“Good. I’ll finish up here. Go take a shower. Your mom’s making you lunch.”
16
“HOW’D YOUR DATE GOlast week?” I ask Vale as we start our walk out after class ends. The question’s been on my lips the whole morning, and my mind’s been in metiche mode even longer, wanting to get into business that isn’t mine. I barely held back from texting or FaceTiming him Sunday night when I got back from my parents’. A part of me wanted to give him space. Maybe that boy from Kingsville was staying over, and I didn’t want to get in between that. Another part of me didn’t want Vale to text me back those words. If he was getting dicked down, I didn’t want to know. Good for him though. He deserves it.
And, maybe related, but the only reason I didn’t ask him before class started is because I walked in to him on his phone and I was scared of the answer being “I’m actually texting him right now, telling him how much I want him to stay the night again.”
Which, again, fine. I should support that. Iwillsupport it. Cheer him on, even. If I feel a type of way about it, it’s got to bebecause I want to know he’s with the best.But, conversely, Vale would’ve told me right away if he had a good feeling about this guy, right? Like, would’ve told me all about his day, how much fun he had. The fact that he didn’t has to mean this boy’s a loser and it’s all history.
Right?
“It was good,” he says. He doesn’t sound over-the-moon about it, but I’m also not getting anything that sounds like he’s lying or trying to swerve from the topic. He doesn’t look like he regrets it. “I took him by the shop, we got something to eat, hung out at the beach. Went to this place with really good burritos Leana told me about. I think y’all went together.”
Iwas supposed to take him to the beach.Ishould’ve been the one to show him that food truck.
I shake my head, pressing the heel of my palm to my forehead. Still tired from a weekend in the sun, I think. Mixed with Philosophy class first thing Monday morning? Yeah, my whole body, inside and out, is fried.
“Did he end up staying over?”
“Nah. I was already pushing Sunday hoping he’d be like, ‘I actually have to head back today because I have class tomorrow,’ and it worked out exactly that way. Oh, also—” Vale pulls his backpack to his chest, taking out my jacket. “I forgot to give this back to you.”
“Nah, hold on to it,” I tell him, my words coming out quick. “I mean, you know. That way you don’t have to worry about making sure you’re wearing blue and green when you come to my games. You’ll always have something.”
“You sure? You don’t need it?”
