“Well, keep me in the loop. I need to know whether to call the police if I see her crazy mug around here again,” Leo said. Sure Leo, I thought. He just wants the neighborhood tea, but his heart was in the right place.
Leo returned home, and Blake and I ended up having a huge conversation about moving. In the end, we decided on a fresh start. I’d call Belle’s realtor cousin in the morning. Blake was attending my next session with Shelley, but I was 90% sure I was going to give him another chance. My hurt wasn’t as sharp, and I’d noticed that I’d begun to trust him again. Not completely, and there was a fear that I would never be able to, but if I’d come so far in months, I could see myself getting there in time. But I would tell him, if he ever fucked up again, even with minor inappropriate connections, he’d be in my rearview mirror permanently. Immy didn’t need to grow up with the influence of a douche father and a doormat mother. He’d be on notice.
Chapter 22. Blake - Thin ice
The day of my session with Haz’s counselor Shelley arrived. I was nervous in the morning, feeling like so much was riding on this. Haz and I were getting along well, and her Rose digs were becoming fewer. With Immy in a routine and Haz getting more and more sleep, we were starting to feel centered. Rose was gone. Hopefully in a psych ward somewhere, but who knows? All I knew was that she was no longer across the road and Haz and I could breathe.
As we left the house to head to counseling, we noticed a woman across the road in a smart gray suit. She waved and wandered over to us. “Good morning. I’m Ellen Ray from Minton’s Realty. My cousin Belle said her friends lived across the road from here. Are you Harriet and Blake?”
“Yes, great to meet you, Ellen. Belle has told us all about you,” Haz replied in a friendly tone.
“I’d love to book in a time to chat with you both. Haz, you mentioned in an email that you’re thinking of moving?”
“Yes, we want a fresh start, maybe a bigger place.”
“It’s a great time to be looking, and I’m sure we’ll have a lot of interest in your place and this one.” She motioned to Colin’s home.
“Good to hear, Ellen,” I responded. “We are heading out right now but will definitely meet up for a chat.” She smiled and returned to Colin’s home, just as a man with photography equipment pulled up. Looks like it was full steam ahead with the sale of Colin’s home.
Twenty minutes later, we were sitting in Shelley’s office. I sat close to Haz on the sofa. We hadn’t been physically close since the pre-Rose days, but we were both nervous and seemed to understand the need to be close.
Shelley began with that patient, professional smile that all counselors use. “I’m so pleased you could both make it. Harriet and I have been talking for a while, as you know Blake, and she has given me permission to talk to you about some of those things should they arise in conversation. Today is just a chat between the two of you, but I’m here to make sure the discussion stays productive and to ensure you both feel supported and safe.”
“Okay, thanks.” Was I supposed to just talk? Where do I start? Thankfully, Shelley stepped in.
“I think maybe if Harriet begins by sharing her concerns and worries …” She finished the sentence as though it were a question.
“Yes, thanks. Well, Blake and I have spoken a lot lately and he’s been seeing his own counselor and working on things, but I feel like I just can’t move on with some things,” she said quietly.
Can’t move on? I lived in constant fear of losing her. Maybe she’d decided this wasn’t worth it?
Shelley nodded sympathetically. “Harriet, I think you should tell Blake what those worries are.” My beautiful wife turned on the sofa to face me, shifting away from me as she did.
“Blake, you really hurt me. You made me feel like I was an annoyance, that you were trying to push me out. I feel like just because Rose turned out to be crazy means that you wouldn’t necessarily avoid doing this again. Like, if she’d been sane, you would have continued to neglect and cheat on me. You pulled away because she became aggressive, not because you cared that I was hurting. I worry that if we stay together, you’ll do that again. You’ll meet some normal woman and dismiss any concerns I have, or Mick has.”
I knew I would never do that again. I’d been completely stupid and swept away by my savior complex.
“Haz, I promise you—”
“I don’t think Harriet is finished yet Blake,” Shelley said gently.
“Sorry.” I faced her again.
“You trampled on so many boundaries with her and you couldn’t see it. I do believe that you wouldn’t have slept with her. I do believe that you pulled away after she kissed you, but the rest of the stuff you did was just as hurtful. You deleted inappropriate texts, so you knew they were wrong but you still lied to my face about it, even got angry when I confronted you.”
I looked from Haz to Shelley. Did they want me to speak now?
Shelley nodded.
“I’m so sorry, Haz. I roll over those months in my mind every night. Every day. I can see every step I took that led to where we ended up and it was all my fault. It makes me want to kick myself. I would never do that again. I saw how much I hurt you, how much I hurt our whole circle. I know I need to rebuild trust, and I’ll do that any way you need. I love you so much, and the thought of losing you makes me sick. I want to be there for you and Immy always. I was stressed about work, but that’s no excuse. I should have spoken to you or Mick. It was wrong to turn to someone else. At the time, I think I wanted to talk to someone unconnected, but it should never have been Rose. I will always speak to you first, Haz. I promise. And if I desperately need a third party, I’ll go to a counselor. Shit, I’ll go to confessional and I haven’t stepped foot in a church for 20 years.”
“Thank you, Blake. But regardless of your reasons, I hate that you felt free to open up to another woman. You did that and past behavior can indicate future behavior. And what if the next woman isn’t crazy? What if she’s beautiful and successful?”
“There won’t be a next woman. I promise you, Haz.Youare beautiful and successful. There is no other woman in the world who could turn my head.”
Shelley took a sip of water and then faced us both.
“Trust is essential in any relationship. When there’s been a breakdown of that trust, you need to rebuild. You can’t continue in the same relationship because that one has been weakened, but you can work together to develop a new one, and you’ve got a pretty strong foundation. Blake, you’re doing the necessary work on yourself and Harriet, you are prioritizing your mental health and your family. It probably doesn’t feel like it, but you’re both making great strides.”
