Page 90 of Falling Fast
‘Well …’ For once, Vienna is slow to respond. ‘Istill want you, but I get the feeling it’s not up to me.’ She quirks an eyebrow at Leif.
He gives me a long look before breaking eye contact. ‘This isn’t the place to discuss it.’
‘You’re right. We need to talk in private.’ I gesture towards a storeroom. ‘Will you let me explain?’
‘Fine.’ He walks ahead of me, folding his arms over his chest once we’re inside. ‘Go on.’
I wring my hands together. Now that I’m here, the words seem to be stuck in my throat again, but this time I know I need to get them out. I have to tell him everything. Dan’s right – it’s the only way.
‘Ava?’ Leif frowns at my hesitation.
‘Yes. I just need to …’ I take a deep breath, blow the air out slowly and start talking. ‘There’s something I should have told you before, the reason I find it hard to trust people.’
‘OK?’ His brows unclench a little.
‘When I was fifteen, I went on a night out with my friend and her boyfriend and a friend of his, a boy I really liked. It was early summer, so we met up in the park with some other people, some I knew and some I didn’t, but it was fun. We were just hanging out and drinking. I didn’t even have much. It was all so chilled that I thought I didn’t need to be careful, but after a while I started to feel … confused. I tried to get up, but I was so dizzy and my vision was all blurry. Eventually I blacked out. Luckily my friend called Dan and he came and took me home. They both assumed I’d just had too much to drink, but when I woke up the next morning Iwas still a mess. Completely disorientated, like I’d been hit in the head.’
‘You were drugged?’ Leif’s jaw is rigid. ‘Was it the guy you were with?’
‘I still don’t know for sure. But he was the one handing out the drinks,’ I admit.
‘What about the police? Did they do anything?’
‘No. Maybe if I’d gone to the hospital straight away and got proof they could have investigated, but I left it too late. And when I couldn’t even tell them the names of everyone I was with, they acted like it was my fault for drinking underage in the first place, like I should have been grateful that nothing worse happened. But I still felt violated. Just the idea that somebody could have done that to me deliberately, and for what purpose …’ I shiver at the memory. ‘The doctors said I had a kind of breakdown. I felt so hopeless and depressed and paranoid, like there was a shadow on my soul. I didn’t go out for a long time, and when I did it was never at night. I felt like there was something evil out there, waiting to get me.’
‘Ava …’ Leif takes a step towards me, but I hold my hands up because I need to finish.
‘I started watching F1 while I was stuck at home. It was the season when Quezada were winning everything and –’ I lift my shoulders – ‘I guess I got kind of obsessed. But it made me feel better. All the adrenaline and excitement and glamour took me out of myself. And then I thought, why can’t I be a part of that world? So I came up with a plan, a way to work for Quezada some day. And I started to feel like myself again. I worked hard because I knew what I wanted, but I never told anyone what had happened to me and I hardly ever dated because the thought of being vulnerable like that again wastoo frightening. I just threw myself into work.’ I pause for breath. ‘Then I met you and we had this connection. And I thought I could go to Quezada and be with you too, but then you said you were staying here and I didn’t know what to do. I was afraid that if I gave up on my plan I’d fall apart all over again. So that’s why I didn’t answer your calls. I was so stuck in my own head. And by the time I realized how much I wanted to stay here at Rask, with you, it was too late.’
‘I’m sorry.’ Leif’s voice has a catch in it. ‘Ava, I had no idea.’
‘I know. And I’m not telling you so you can feel sorry for me. I don’t want pity. I just want you to understand why I found it so hard to choose. But I’ve put that behind me now. And if you’ll give me another chance, I want our relationship to be out in the open. We can tell everyone. I’ll shout it from the rooftops, if you want. In fact …’ I run out of the storeroom impulsively.
‘Where are you going?’ Leif follows after me.
‘To make an announcement of my own!’ I kick off my heels and climb up on to the same counter he did a few minutes ago. It’s not easy in a skirt, but I’m determined. ‘Could I have everyone’s attention, please?’ I call out over the canteen. ‘There’s something I need to tell you.’
‘Ava, you don’t need to …’ Leif reaches for my hand.
‘Yes, I do. If you could all look this way for a moment?’
‘Hey, everyone!’ Emika bellows from the back of the room. ‘Ava has something to say!’
‘Thank you.’ I throw her a smile. ‘The thing is …’ I begin, and then stop abruptly, as it occurs to me that I haven’t given Leif an opportunity to say anything back. I’ve told him my truth, but he hasn’t agreed to give our relationship another try.Oh crap. I twist my face towards the nearest exit as my palms start to sweat and my cheeks turn an even brighter shade than my hair. Maybe I shouldn’t have climbed up here. Maybe I shouldn’t have sent that email to Jasper either. Maybe I do still need Quezada? Because if this grand romantic gesture goes wrong, I really will have to leave. I’ll never be able to live down the embarrassment.
And now everybody’s staring at me, because I literally just asked them to, waiting for my big announcement. It’s so quiet you could hear a pin drop. But I’m here now and there’s still one more thing I need to tell Leif.
If I’m going to make a fool of myself, I might as well do it properly.
‘The thing is …’ I repeat. ‘Leif and I have been seeing each other for a few months and I asked him to keep it a secret, but I don’t want to do that any longer because I’m in love with him.’ I close my eyes for a moment and then look back down at Leif. ‘I love you.’
There’s a stunned silence, before he climbs up on to the counter beside me.
‘You do?’ His voice is gravelly.
‘Yes.’ I throw a nervous look at the crowd and lower my voice. ‘You don’t have to say it back, but if you could pretend to say something, that would be really great.’
‘Are you kidding?’ He cups my face in his hands. ‘Ava, I’ve been in love with you for months.’
