Page 85 of Falling Fast

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Page 85 of Falling Fast

I flinch at the bitter tone of his voice. ‘The thing is –’ I make an attempt to explain ‘– the whole Quezada situation predates Rask. I had an interview in January and Jasper Ramirez told me to come back in December.’

‘And you didn’t tell me thisbecause?’

‘Because it wasn’t a certainty. For all I knew, it was just another interview. He didn’t offer me a job until the football match. And by then I thought you were going to Quezada too. People were talking like it was a done deal. So I thought I would tell you when you told me.’ I press my hands to the sides of my head. ‘It all seemed so perfect, because I thought if we were both going to Spain then I wouldn’t have to …’

He lifts an eyebrow when I stop. ‘You wouldn’t have to what?’

I wince because I get the feeling that backtracking now isn’t an option. ‘Choose.’

‘Choose?’ His brow creases and then clears abruptly. ‘So that’s what you’ve been doing all this time?’ He backs away from me. ‘You know, I thought I’d scared you away when I suggested we tell people about us. I thought I’d asked for too much, but it was what I said about staying at Rask, wasn’t it? You couldn’t choose between me and a job with Quezada?’

‘It’s notonlya job!’ I surge back to my feet. ‘Quezada are important to me. I’ve wanted to work for them since I was fifteen. I’ve been working towards it ever since. I had a plan! I thought you could fit into it, but –’

‘But then I decided to stay at Rask and mess everything up?’ He laughs, though there’s no humour in it.

I hang my head. ‘I needed time to think, that’s all. I just didn’t see how we could stay together, working for competing teams.’

‘Then I guess that’s the difference between us. Because I didn’t need time. I knew how I felt about you. I thought we had something special.’ He starts pacing up and down. ‘You know, when we first started seeing each other, Iwasthinking about signing for another team. Nathan kept on at me about it. But I would have talked to you, asked how you felt, worked out a way for us to stay together before I made a commitment to any team but Rask, whether it was confidential or not.’ He pushes his hands through his hair. ‘If you’d just told me about Quezada, told me it was your dream job, I would have seriously considered going there. Even after I gave Bastian my word, I would have done that for you. But you shut me out.’

‘You’re right. I should have told you everything before.’ I wrap my arms around my waist. I’ve never heard him say so much at once and every word is making my stomach churn with guilt. He obviously thinks I’ve already signed a contract with Quezada, and I need to tell him I haven’t, but there’s so much to explain. ‘I was confused. I needed to get things clear in my own head first. And I was going to talk to you about it as soon as we got home – I promise.’

‘So after two months of ignoring me, you finally decidedyouwant to talk?’ He stops pacing to look hard at me. ‘Just answer one question. Why did you really want to keep our relationship a secret, Ava? Was it truly because you didn’t want anyone to treat you differently? Or was it because you didn’t want Quezada to find out about us?’

‘It was both,’ I admit. ‘I thought it would … complicate things.’

He flinches like I’ve just struck him. ‘You know, when you grow up in care you get used to not belonging, to not feeling wanted, to relying on yourself and nobody else. At Rask, I thought I’d found a place I could finally belong, with somebody I belonged with, somebody I could open up to. I never expected her to treat me like some dirty little secret.’

‘No!’ My heart squeezes. ‘Leif, it wasn’t like that.’

‘How do you think it’s been for me these past months, trying to concentrate on driving while you ignore my calls? Do you have any idea how many times I’ve almost got on a plane because I’ve been sodesperateto talk to you, but knowing if I do you’ll only make up some excuse not to see me? And then, just when I think I can’t feel any worse, I have to hear from Jasper that you’re taking a job with him?’

‘I’m sorry. I didn’t think.’ I swallow the lump in my throat. ‘But I’m not taking –’

He interrupts me. ‘You know, for a communications officer, you’re pretty fucking terrible at communicating. I don’t even know what I mean to you. All I know is that if you can shut me out of your life like this, then it can’t be very much.’

‘Leif, wait.’ I put a hand on his arm as he strides past me towards the door. ‘I didn’t want to shut you out, but I told you at the start. I’m not good at relationships. I find it hard to trust.’

‘Why? Have Ievergiven you a reason not to trust me?’

‘No.’

‘Then what else are you not telling me?’ His jaw flexes as I recoil from him. ‘I can’t do this, Ava. I hope you’re happy inSpain. Nobody at Rask knows about us and they won’t hear about it from me. You can leave with a glowing reference. I’m sure you’ll be running Quezada in no time.’

‘Leif …’ I can feel panic growing inside me. I can’t believe I’ve messed this up so badly. I took him for granted, expecting him to still be around when I made my decision. Maybe if I tell him the reason I find it so hard to trust I can still fix this … Only I can’t. I don’t talk about it. I did once, but I don’t have the words any more. ‘I’m sorry. I know I’ve been completely insensitive, but I never meant to hurt you.’

‘Maybe not, but you still did.’ He lifts a hand towards my face, gently brushing a tear away from the curve of my cheek with his thumb. ‘Besides, what is it they say? That relationships are a two-way street? If you can keep something like this from me, how am I supposed to ever trust you again?’

‘Hey, did I leave my jacket in here?’ Emika barrels into the room suddenly, her cheeks flushed like she’s just run all the way along the corridor.

I jolt away from Leif, but it’s too late. Her shocked expression tells me she’s already seen us.

‘Here.’ I pass her the jacket.

‘Um … Thanks.’ She reaches a hand out slowly, her gaze flicking from me to Leif and then back again. ‘I was just … because the bus is coming soon.’ She retreats to the door. ‘So I’ll see you in the lobby?’

I open my mouth to say yes, but she’s already gone.

‘I guess I should go after her.’ I turn back to Leif.


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