Page 74 of Falling Fast
So maybe I should stay at Rask too?
I’m so shocked by the thought I almost forget to breathe. I like working at Rask, I truly do. When I thought Philip Sawyer was trying to destroy us, I felt genuinely angry. We really are like a family.
But … but … My brain stutters.
Quezada are the team that got me into F1, the one that saved me when I was depressed. And Jasper’s offer is my dream job, everything I’ve worked and planned so hard for. How can I give up on that? And what if I stay at Rask and things go wrong between me and Leif? Then where will I be?I’ll have lost control of my life all over again, all for a man. The prospect of that terrifies me. I can’t do it – can’t take the risk of spiralling a second time. It’s not possible.
But I care about Leif too …
I have no idea what to do, not yet. I need breathing space. So the moment I hear his footsteps heading towards my room, I climb into bed and pretend that I’ve fallen asleep.
Hey. I just tried calling again. We keep missing each other.
Voicemail from Leif Olsen to Ava Yearwood, 22 August
Is something wrong? Can we talk?
Voicemail from Leif Olsen to Ava Yearwood, 10 September
Ava?
Voicemail from Leif Olsen to Ava Yearwood, 30 September
Despite persistent yet unsubstantiated rumours that Quezada were on the verge of signing Leif Olsen, the big announcement this week is that rookie driver, twenty-year-old Alessio Valenti is joining the team as Jaxon Marr’s teammate next year. The big question now is, what about Leif?
@MotorsportEchoNews, 13 October
TWENTY-FOUR
I’M IN THE RASK canteen, absently moving salad around my plate with a fork, when my phone vibrates with a WhatsApp from Maisie.
Hey. I just heard the news about Quezada. Are you OK?
I take a steeling breath. Maisie knows everything, since I called her pretty much the second she got back from Italy. It helped to talk, even if I’m still as conflicted now as I was then. When I saw the announcement about Valenti this morning, I felt like my heart had just shrunk several sizes. I hadn’t realized how much I’d been hoping Leif would change his mind about Quezada.
Not really.
I’m so sorry. Have you spoken to Leif yet?
My stomach twists with guilt. No, I haven’t spoken to Leif. I’ve successfully avoided him for two months, ever since the night he told me his decision, first on the morning afterwards when I snuck out of bed at 4 a.m., leaving a spare key to post through the letterbox and a note about an imaginary early meeting, then during the build-up to Monza, when I had a real, if slightly exaggerated, pile of paperwork to get through.I’ve been dodging his calls ever since, pleading my workload and an urgent need to spend time with my ‘heartbroken brother’, although I’ve been neglecting Dan too. I even managed to arrange meetings in London on the couple of occasions Leif has flown back to Rask’s UK headquarters for some simulator time. As for social media content … that’s been heavily focused on Corey and other members of the team recently.
But I know I can’t keep this up. It’s Monday morning and the Las Vegas Grand Prix, the last race in the Americas, is on Saturday night Pacific Time, which means next week he’ll be home and I’ll need to make up my mind one way or the other.
Rask or Quezada. Leif or … no Leif.
I’ll talk to him when he gets back.
Does that mean you’ve made a decision?
No. But I will.
OK. Call me if you need to talk x
I abandon what’s left of my salad and get up, winding my way through the canteen. Charlotte leaps up from a different table to walk back with me, but I’m too preoccupied to do more than smile and nod as she tells me about some new wedding detail. I’ve been like this for weeks now, operating on autopilot. I must be putting on a good act too, since no one’s accused me of behaving any differently, but inside I’m an emotionally drained mess. I just feel incapable of making a decision. I’ve dreamed of working for Quezada for so long that walking away seems impossible, and yet the thought of breaking up with Leif makes my heart ache in a way I’ve never felt before. I want both of them and I resent being placed in this position because it was never supposed to be a choice. My plan was straightforward, a linear step-by-stepprogression towards a clearly defined end. Leif is the one who’s thrown a spanner into everything. And even though I know it’s not fair to blame him, I can’t help it.
Then again, maybe it doesn’t matter what I decide any more. My last voicemail from Leif was two weeks ago. For all I know, he’s already decided we’re over. But if he hasn’t … I still don’t know what to do. The question is whirling around my mind all the time, like a persistent headache that won’t leave me alone. It’s almost a relief when we walk into the office to find Emika and Yuto huddled together with anxious expressions.
‘Something’s wrong,’ Emika announces. ‘We’re in big trouble.’
