Page 7 of Falling Fast
I gape at him. ‘Why?’
‘They’re offering doctors a really good deal over there. Regular shifts, decent pay, a good work–life balance.’ He rubsa hand around the back of his neck. ‘Honestly, I don’t blame her for wanting to go.’
‘But you’re engaged!’
‘Wereengaged. Not any more. Apparently she’s been thinking about emigrating for a while and now she’s finally qualified …’ There’s a catch in his voice. ‘She asked me to go too, but I said no. My career is here. So the wedding’s off.’
‘Oh, Dan …’ I reach a hand across the table. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘So am I, but we’re going to stay friends. We still love each other – we just want different things, that’s all. And it’s better to realize that now, instead of in a few years’ time, so …’ He shrugs his shoulders. ‘She’s moved back in with her parents and she’s leaving in a couple of months.’
‘Wait, she’s already moved out?’ I jerk my head backwards. ‘When did you break up?’
‘About three weeks ago.’ He looks apologetic. ‘I didn’t want to tell you before your exams and then I didn’t want to ruin Monaco for you.’
‘You still should have told me.’ I narrow my eyes at him. ‘You don’t have to be the one looking out for me all the time, no matter what Mum and Dad say.’
‘They don’t say that.’
‘Really?’
‘Well, only sometimes. They’re just afraid you wouldn’t tell us if you were feeling depressed again.’
‘I’m not depressed!’ I grind my teeth with annoyance. ‘I haven’t been for years. I know how to look after myself now, and, anyway,Ishould be the one comfortingyou. You know that jogging is a clear sign of denial, right?’
‘I thought it was a sign of wanting to get into shape.’
‘Unless you’re trying to distract yourself, in which case … denial.’
‘I’m trying to be healthy, that’s all, and it’s better than lying around being miserable all day.’ He looks stricken suddenly. ‘Shit. Sorry, Ava, I didn’t mean –’
‘It’s OK.’ I shake my head. ‘I know you didn’t. And you’re right. Getting healthyisa better choice.’
‘Thanks.’ He coughs. ‘So speaking of jogging … I bumped into Oliver in the park the other day.’
‘Oh?’ My throat tightens at the mention of my sort-of ex’s name.Sort ofbecause we only went on five dates.Exbecause he’s still the closest thing I’ve ever had to a boyfriend. ‘How was he?’
‘Good. Still confused about what happened between the two of you.’
‘Nothing happened.’ I roll my eyes. ‘He asked me out, I gave it a try and it didn’t feel right. End of story.’
‘He said he thought there was something you weren’t telling him.’
‘What?’ I stiffen in alarm.
‘I didn’t say anything.’ Dan holds a hand up. ‘But maybeyoushould have.’
‘No.’ I shut him down quickly. I don’t want to talk about this. I talked about it alotsix years ago – to Dan, to my friends (before they decided to move on with their lives), to my parents, to a counsellor – and then I was done. I talked it to death and now it’s over. Locked behind a door in my mind, never to be let out again.
‘Ava.’ Dan’s voice softens. ‘Don’t you think what happened back then might still be affecting you when it comes to dating?’
Yes!I want to scream across the table at him.Of course it still affects me! It changed my entire personality.Maybe I was a relaxed, easy-going, hearts-and-flowers, love-conquers-all kind of person before I went to the park with my friends that night, but not any more. And I know some people, Oliver included, may think I’m uptight, but I also know how frightening the world can be and I won’t let my guard down ever again because that way madness – or at least six months of sofa-bound depression – lies.
‘Talking about it to Oliver wouldn’t have made any difference,’ I say.
‘You don’t know that.’
‘Yes, I do.’ I look him straight in the eye, trying to get him to understand. ‘Dan, I can’t handle a romantic relationship. That part of me is just … broken.’
