We sat in silence for a while. That was good. I liked silence. I’d never known that about myself prior to going to Sterling Mill. I’d grown up near the city. I loved all of the things to do. Sure, it wasn’t New York, but it was the biggest city in the state, and I loved that there was always something to do, even if it was full of man-made noises.
That was before.
Now, I missed hearing people call greetings as they passed one another on the sidewalks. I missed the hoot of the owl that made its home in one of the trees near my rental. Most of all, I missed the sound of Iain’s laughter and Em’s soft breathing as she lay in my arms at night.
“Why are you here if you’re so miserable?”
I looked at him like he was stupid and drank more beer. “The internship, dumbshit.”Hey, that rhymed!I snickered.
“It’s that important to you?”
“I’m here, aren’t I?”
“Why?”
“It’s what I’ve always wanted.”
“But is it?”
I glared at him. “It’s what I’ve worked my ass off for.”
“Seems to me you’re not so different from your dad after all.”
That crossed a line. I would have given him a Chase-like punch, but that required more movement than I felt up to. “I’m not at all like him.”
“No? This isn’t your dad in the back of your head whispering that you’re never enough? Is that what you want Iain to learn from you?”
“Of course, not. If anything, I’m teaching Iain to never be afraid to go after what he wants. That’s not the same as having a dad who never approves of what you do unless it’s what he wants.”
“Oh, man. You can’t even see it. Your honor, I present before you the world’s biggest idiot, condemned by the irony of his own words.”
“What the fuck are you trying to suggest?”
“I’m not suggesting at all. I’m outright stating you’re a fool.”
“How?”
“You just said you’re teaching Iain to go after what he wants, and yet you’ve run from the very thingyouactually want.”
My head hurt trying to follow. “What are you trying to say? That I should give up everything I’ve worked for my entire life?”
“May I present the evidence.” He held up one finger. “One, what you really want is someone to love you for you, not for what you accomplish. Evidence. Emalee loves you despite all the bullshit you both went through, and I’ve never seen you happier.” He held up another finger. “Two. You’re teaching young Iain success is about what you do.” He shook his head. “Man, you’re an idiot. You say you have what you want, but you’re not happy. If you left everything right now and went to Sterling Mill, would you be miserable?”
“No.”
“I rest my case. What really makes you happy, what youreallywant, isn’t here after all. You’ve got a great girl, and that’s saying something given my original impression. You’ve got a kid who already thinks you’re the best thing ever. He doesn’t care what letters you have after your name. He cares if you go out and play catch with him. He cares that you went on a field trip with him. He loves you because ofwhoyou are, notwhatyou are. You can’t even see it because you’re so wrapped up in your own head trying to prove to your asshole of a father that you are worthy when you have a family who already believes that.”
Well shit. No wonder he was such a good lawyer. I stared at the cement of the balcony, my bottle dangling from my fingers. “I don’t know what to do. I screwed up. I hurt her.”
“So, fight for her.”
“I can’t just show up there. What am I supposed to do? I love my work and they already have a vet. You might be right about part of it, but I don’t want to throw everything away, either.”
He rolled his eyes. “God, do I have to think of everything for you?”
* * *
The next morning,I woke up with my head still in a fog, mostly from too many beers but also from trying to sort through what to do.
