We reach the end of the block. I stand on the corner for a moment, watching the traffic pass us, and thinking about what Caitlin said. I can be angry at Joel all I want, but it’s my fault that this is happening.
“Does this mean you’re breaking up with him?” she asks.
“It’s complicated,” I tell her. “You’re too young to understand.”
“That’s what my mom said when she got divorced from my dad, and also when she broke up with her last boyfriend. I just don’t get what’s so complicated about it, and why I’m always too young to understand. I’m starting to think that people say that because they don’t understand it either.”
“You might be right,” I say. “Or maybe sometimes we don’t want you to think badly about the other person.”
In this case, the person she would think badly of is me. This realization hurts. She frowns up at me as we turn around. “Do you think that my dad did bad things to my mom?”
“Maybe not. I don’t know them, so I couldn’t tell you. But I’m sure when you’re a little older, you can ask your mom and she’ll tell you why it didn’t work out.”
When we reach the building, I leave Caitlin outside to continue her sidewalk acrobatics. I bring the puppy inside and stop by Joel’s desk on my way to the stairwell. I think about confronting him about the letter he showed to Jake, but I’m afraid that I’ll make a scene. He watches me wearily.
Without a word, I turn and take the puppy into the stairwell. He struggles to make it up each step, so it takes us a while to make it to the fourth floor. I could have easily carried him, but I want to wear him out so that he’ll go to sleep once I put him back in his crate.
We make it back to Jake’s apartment. This time I have more time to look around because I’m not in a hurry to get the crying puppy out of here. His apartment isn’t messy like I imagined it would be. His furniture isn’t the best, but it’s not trashy or tacky either. There’s no evidence of a woman’s touch, no sign that he’s living a double life. It’s funny how Anne had suggested that he was the secretive one, and yet it turns out I’m the only one living a double life.
I return the puppy to his crate, and then, without disturbing anything else in the apartment, I step out into the hallway. As soon as the door is closed behind me, the screeching, wailing, crying starts. I wait a minute, hoping that he’ll stop, but he doesn’t. I consider going back inside and bringing the puppy downstairs to my apartment. If I do, Jake will have to come see me, and then I can try to explain myself to him.
I hesitate, my hand on his door. On the other hand, I want him to come forme, not because I forced him by taking his dog. I’m not above this idea if that’s all I have, though. I know that I’m in the wrong here, but he’s the one who has been avoiding me without a word. I shouldn’t have to hear the reason I’m being ghosted secondhand from a kid.
The puppy quiets down a bit, and I take my hand off the doorknob. I decide to walk away for now. I need to figure out what I want.
ChapterTwenty-Eight
THE RANSOM NOTE
“Itold you.”
Anne isn’t very good at sparing my feelings. She had warned me that I should tell Jake about the letter, and now she needs to make sure that I know she was right.
“You also told me he was hiding something from me. You were wrong about that. I’ve been in his apartment.”
I think about the puppy and wonder if he’s crying again. I heard him a few times over the weekend, but the crying never lasted long because Jake was home to take care of him. There were a few times that I wished the crying had lasted a little longer. It would have given me an excuse to go up there and see him again. I can’t bring myself to go up there and pretend that nothing is wrong, though. I’m not sure I can stand in front of him and lie and tell him that Luca and the letters mean nothing to me. I’m torn, because I still have feelings for both of them. As much as I hate the way he’s cut off contact with me, I still feel like he deserves an explanation. I just don’t have a good one. Not one that he will like, anyway.
“Speaking of which, I should probably go home and check on the puppy.”
She rolls her eyes. “Do you really think you can win him back by walking his dog? I mean, you called him by another man’s name while you were having sex with him. Maybe this is for the best, to be honest. With him out of the picture, you can see where things go with Luca.”
“Things are going nowhere with Luca, because he won’t even write back to me.”
“Have you tried writing to him again?”
I sigh. “How many times do I need to write to him before I give up? This feels like it did two years ago all over again. I invite him to meet me and he ghosts me. I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s another few years before I hear from him at this point.”
“I doubt that. Maybe he just needs to know that you’re serious about meeting him.”
“I’m not even sure what I want anymore. I thought that I wanted to meet him, but now I’m afraid of losing what I had with Jake.”
“News flash. You already lost what you had with him. Just write to Luca again.”
I finish off my coffee. “I’ll think about it. I need to go home.”
I can already hear Bruno crying when I reach the stairwell. I never gave Joel the key back, so I head up to the fourth floor. I tap on the door to make sure Jake isn’t inside. I wait a moment, then unlock the door and let myself in.
I rip a sheet of paper out of a notebook, and scribble a note:I have your dog.
