I nod. “Imagine my surprise when I went downstairs and caught him grabbing the letter I left for Luca.”
“That’s insane. Do you think he’s still giving the letters to Luca? Maybe that’s why you haven’t heard back.”
I take a moment to think about it. “I don’t know. My first thought was that maybe he was only in town for a couple of weeks, and that’s the end of the letters, but that doesn’t make any sense. He has my address. He could still write to me. And he implied that he lives in Miami.”
“Maybe you can follow Joel next time he takes one of your letters. He’s bound to lead you to Luca eventually.”
“Don’t you think that’s a little creepy?”
She rolls her eyes. “You flew all the way to San Diego to try to track him down. You tried to drive onto a military base, and you flew out to Texas and lied to his ex-fiancée about who you are. Explain to me how spying on his dad is suddenly taking it too far?”
“Okay, you’re right.” I sigh. “I’m just tired of playing all these games to find him. And I’m afraid that’s all this is to him. A game.”
“What makes you think that?”
I think about the last letter I sent to him before he disappeared and I didn’t hear from him for two years. I had invited him to come hide away with me after he complained about his fiancée. For months after I sent that letter without hearing back, I had stewed over my choice to invite him, even if I had done it in a roundabout way that could be taken as a joke. I guess I knew that deep down, it wasn’t really a joke. I wouldn’t have admitted it to myself then, but I hoped that he would take me up on my invitation. His lack of a response felt like a rejection.
And now it’s happening again. I told him that I want to meet him, and now he’s not writing back. I’m not sure how to explain all of that to Anne. I decide to keep it simple.
“I don’t think he really wants to meet me.”
She frowns, looking doubtful. “I think he does.”
I roll my eyes. “You’re not the one who’s been writing to him all these years. But you read the letters. This has never been anything more than a joke between us. We’ve been one-upping each other since fifth grade. He never wanted to meet me. He just wanted me to admit that I want to meet him.”
I won’t admit to Anne that I feel so torn about him and Jake. It might be a good thing if I don’t hear from him again. How can I build anything real with Jake when my mind keeps straying to Luca? I’ve spent a lot of time trying to track him down – time that I could be spending with Jake, who doesn’t play these childish games.
Maybe it’s for the best that I leave this all behind when I buy my house and move in a couple of weeks. Putting in the effort to follow Joel around might not have been taking it too far a few weeks ago. But now that things are getting serious with Jake, it feels wrong, especially when the result of spending all this time and energy on tracking down Luca is that he pops into my head at the most inappropriate moments.
“I don’t believe that’s true,” Anne says about Luca not wanting to meet me. “And I don’t think you really believe it’s true, either.”
“Why not?”
She hesitates as she tries to think of a reason. “He sent you flowers,” she says.
“You remember the note he included.”
“I think you’re being a little ridiculous. Maybe he was just surprised that you want to meet him. He’s probably just trying to figure out how to make it happen.”
“I’m not going to keep my hopes up while he takes his sweet time.”
“Are you going to write to him again?”
“I left another letter with Joel this morning. If there isn’t a new one by the time I get home, then I’ll leave it at that. Besides, I probably shouldn’t be focusing so much energy on Luca when I have a boyfriend who I like very much.”
A boyfriend who doesn’t deserve to be called the wrong name, even if he didn’t hear me. I had thought that being able to write back to Luca would take away the excitement of the chase and I would be able to get him out of my head. Instead, he’s taking up more room than ever. Writing to him is one thing, but he has no place in the bedroom with me and Jake.
“Are you sure he likes you? He seems pretty secretive to me. I’m not sure I trust him.”
“Secretive?” I repeat, frowning. “How did you come up with that conclusion?”
“I think that you should tell him about Luca,” Anne says, ignoring my question.
I almost spit out my drink. “What? Why?”
“You don’t want to start this relationship off on a lie, do you?”
“It’s not a lie. It’s just…”
