I will never believe what you said. Never about her or him or my daughter’s parentage.
Neil
PS Stay away from all of us or you’ll be SORRY.
‘Are you OK?’ Ruan sat by her side, his hand on her arm. ‘It’s a shock but I’m sure it’s all lies. I am so sorry but Ihadto show it to you.’
Tammy put the note on the coffee table. Her fingers were trembling, as if Walter’s poison had seeped into her veins and paralysed her. Her mind made leap after leap, realising the implication of the letter yet desperate not to believe the bombshell it contained.
‘How – how long have you had this?’ she murmured.
‘Only a day. I didn’t know what to do with it – or the other letters I found, but I knew I needed to give it to you. Walter was a piece of work. Whatever he’d said to your dad,I’m sure it was a load of malicious lies calculated to hurt him as much as possible.’
‘You don’t know it was lies!’ she blurted out, feeling sick.
‘No. No, I don’t.’
‘I’m sorry. I – I don’t mean to be angry with you. It’s just – it’s such a shock. I’m grateful you brought it over so soon.’
He didn’t smile but nodded. ‘I’m sorry it’s so upsetting but I had to show you.’
She nodded and took a breath before saying, ‘I guess you’re thinking the same as me about what it implies?’
Ruan sat down opposite, glancing at his hands before finally meeting her eyes. ‘I don’t know what to think and it’s pointless speculating because Walter was a bitter and twisted man, tainted by the past.’ He leaned forward and continued softly: ‘One of the other letters was from Walter’s girlfriend, Kathleen, telling him she was leaving him because he couldn’t or wouldn’t show her the love and affection she needed.’
‘That makes sense at least!’ Tammy burst out. ‘As for this one from my dad to Walter … I think …’ She forced herself to give voice to her darkest fears. ‘… that Walter had been implying my mum and Davey had an affair.’
‘Whatever Walter said, we don’t know for sure when this all happened,’ Ruan countered, sounding like the lawyer he was. ‘And everything he did say or write to your father could all be – probably is – a complete pack of lies.’
Even though she was sitting down, Tammy felt as if the ground was falling away beneath her; she had a strange sense of being detached from her body. ‘Even if Walter wasbeing malicious, if Dad even suspected Davey and Mum had been having an affair before they split up, it would explain why he was so unhappy. He might even have been told this just before he died. It could have tipped him over the edge.’
Ruan touched her arm briefly. ‘Please don’t take this as proof that Davey and your mum had an affair.’
‘But itmightbe true. There’s no smoke without fire, is there?’ She covered her mouth with her hand, as if she didn’t want to voice the thought in her head. ‘Imightbe Davey’s daughter. Dad might not be my birth father and I’ve never known. It could be why Davey has always acted like a father to me.’
‘If that’s true, Davey and your mum would have had to be – close – over thirty-two years ago.’
‘It’s possible. What if Walter found out years later or kept their affair to himself? What if he found out I was Davey’s? What if Mum or Davey told him and he decided to use it to hurt Dad?’
‘That’s a lot of what-ifs … and why would Walter wait so long to reveal it, long after you and your father had left Rosewarne and made a new life?’
‘That’s a good point, but Ihaveto know for sure or it will eat me up forever. But I can’t ask Davey. How can I? He has enough to cope with now he’s decided to have the radiotherapy and hormone treatment. Even if he was completely well, I have no idea how I’d ask such a question.’ She felt light-headed and sick but didn’t want Ruan to know. ‘I – I need some time to process this. Do you mind giving me some space?’
‘Of course.’ He didn’t look great himself. ‘If you need me, you only have to pick up the phone. I’ll leave you alone.’
‘Thanks.’ Even though she’d asked him to go, Tammy thought that phrase was one of the bleakest she’d heard.
Tammy wasn’t sure how long she stood in the kitchen, statue-like, after Ruan had left, relentless questions hammering at her brain. Her father might not be her real father. But what did real father mean? Did Davey know that he was her dad? Did he suspect? If so, why had he kept it from her?
She clutched the table for support and felt a roaring in her ears. At the same time, a pain stabbed inside her temple like hot knives. Oh God, she was going to be sick too … She tried to take a step towards the bathroom but didn’t dare. She couldn’t see properly for the coloured shapes arced across her vision.
‘Whoa! Tammy! Careful, lovely. Let’s sit you down.’
Lola’s voice beside her. Lola’s face, distorted into prismatic shapes. Lola guiding her to the sofa and gently lowering her to the seat. Even the few steps made the pain pulse unbearably.
‘Can you tell me what’s wrong?’ Lola asked, kneeling at her feet.
‘I’ve g-got a t-terrible headache and I feel sick.’
