‘Girls!’ she beams, throwing her arms out for us. ‘You’ll never guess – we’ve set a date! Angela and I are getting married in a month!’ She gathers us into a tight embrace, pulling Jemma and me closer than either of us would like to be in this moment. I regard my sister over Mum’s shoulder and her eyes are full of the same kind of fear as mine.
They’re really getting married. In amonth. Which means I have nowhere else to go.
We’re stuck with each other.
Chapter TwentyJEMMA
God, I hate myself. Look at how disgusting I am. Howhideous.
I turn to examine myself in the long mirror of the changing room.
What a monster I am! I hate me. I hate my sister, I hate my whole family. I hate my house and my friends, I hate my bedroom and that chest of bloody drawers in my hallway. What a miserable existence. I really thought by this point in my life, I’d have a husband, kids, my own house, a retirement pot. I’ve got none of it. All I have is a thousand plastic bags in another plastic bag, and a favourite ring on the hob.
I hate, hate, hate—
Oh wait, what’s the date? Yep, OK, never mind, it’s just my period on its way.
I take a deep breath, trying to see myself through non-hormonal eyes. I try to be kind to myself. Maybe this dress isn’t— no, it’s still hideous.
‘Are you ready, sweetheart?’ Through the curtain, Mum’s voice floats over. She sounds excited. I paste on a rictus smile and pull back the curtain.
‘Here we go!’ I say with enthusiasm.
‘Oh Jemma!’ Mum says quietly, tears filling her eyes. ‘You lookstunning.’
I internally groan. Seriously? This bridesmaid dress might be the rankest thing I’ve ever seen. It’s a mouldy, off-green-yellow with unflattering ruffles around my middle. Clara and Buffy emerge from the two neighbouring changing rooms, wearing matching dresses but very different expressions.
‘Oh my god, I lookhot!’ Clara does a twirl, giggling as Buffy scowls. For a second I make eye contact with my twin and her face falls. We both look away.
We still haven’t spoken since our fight in the library a week ago. Barely a word since I told her I didn’t want her living with me anymore. Obviously she hasn’t moved out, but she is being much more considerate around the house. In fact, I’ve hardly seen her. She’s taken on some agency waitressing work, so she’s been out most evenings doing events. Which also means she’s been sleeping in most mornings. The fucking chest of drawers is still in the hallway, along with the rest of the untouched upcycling crap littered all over the place.
‘You all look so beautiful,’ Mum gushes, blinking hard.
Beside her, Angela nods enthusiastically. ‘Those dresses really suit you.In 2013 there was a wedding in Sri Lanka with a hundred and twenty-six bridesmaids.’ She smiles at my mum. ‘I’m glad we only have three.’
‘This colour is disgusting,’ Buffy comments dryly. ‘I’m dressed like a swamp.’
Clara twirls again. ‘Actually, this colour is all the rage on TikTok right now. It’s everywhere!’
Buffy gives her a withering stare. ‘You are clearly looking at old people’s TikTok. Don’t act like you know what’s cool.’
‘Fair enough,’ Clara replies cheerfully.
‘Hellooo?’ Mum calls to the boutique owner. ‘Everyone loves the dresses, they all look beautiful. We’ll take them!’
We get changed and regroup by the till as Mum pays. Clara bounces excitedly. ‘I can’t believe you’re getting married in just a few weeks!’
Angela and Mum swap a loving look. They’re heading to the local registry office with a handful of friends, a few of the Great-Aunts, and – obvs – the three of us, for a small ceremony. Neither of them wanted a long engagement or anything big, and somehow the whole thing seems way more romantic than some huge, expensive wedding ever could.
Beside me Clara coughs lightly. Awkwardly.
‘So, look,’ she begins carefully, ‘I’m going to this thing tonight. It’s a food festival in East London. Milo Samuels – the actor fromBook Boyfriend –is meant to be making a guest appearance!’ She sounds excited as she turns to face me. It’s our first proper eye contact in days. ‘I’m totally going to meet him and we’ll finally get to fall in love. Do you want to come?’
I shake my head in disbelief. ‘Do you seriously think he’s just going to see you and that’ll be it? He’ll magically fall for you?’
She frowns. ‘Yes! I know he’s The One, Ifeelit. I’ve watched and read so many interviews with him now, I feel like I really know him. I know the way he moves and I know his facial expressions. I know how he laughs and the way his eyes crinkle. I know his favourite kind of biscuit and that he loves cycling. I know he can be super moody and hates having his photograph taken. Even his scowling is perfect! He’s my soulmate and I’m falling for him. I know he’ll feel the same once we actually meet.’
‘That is… ridiculous!’ I can’t help it. She’s being insane! ‘It’s a parasocial relationship, Clara, totally one-sided. It’s just a fantasy of this person you don’t even know. It’s nonsense!’
