‘No, wait.’ Clara looks inspired. ‘He was stuttering inLove Actually, wasn’t he?’
‘No!’ Salma sighs. ‘He was just trying to speak Portuguese to get off with his cleaner. And I’m talking aboutPride and Prejudice, the TV series – obviously.’
‘Of course,’ I add supportively, though I’ve lost track of the chat.
Clara squints at Salma. ‘Didn’t Matthew Macfadyen play Mr Darcy?’
Harry shakes his head again. ‘You’re thinking of Matthew McConaughey.’
‘Nooo,’ Salma yells over them, turning furiously on Clara. ‘Do not mention thePride and Prejudiceremake in my presence ever again. I’m talking about the only version that matters – the 1995 BBC adaptation starring Jennifer Ehle as Elizabeth Bennet and Colin Firth as Mr Darcy.’ She takes a deep breath, before continuing her diatribe. ‘I’m sure there are some people in this world whose Mr Darcy is Matthew Macfadyen, but something has gone deeply wrong for those people. That is a deep-rooted trauma that must be worked through in therapy.’ Her eyes are wild. ‘I mean, I’m sure Matthew Macfadyen is a perfectly nice person but he’s also not and I hate him and how dare he.’
Clara looks at her kindly as she finishes this speech. ‘Babe, Colin Firth played Mr Darcy inBridget Jones’s Diary.’ She pats Salma’s hand gently. ‘It’s an easy mistake to make, don’t worry about it.’
I regard Salma’s dumbfounded expression with some satisfaction. See? Claraisinfuriating. It’s not just me.
I clear my throat. ‘To be fair, she’s not wrong. His characterwasMark Darcy. Just to confuse things even more, did you know Colin Firth is actuallyinthe secondBridget Jonesbook? As himself, the actor? Bridget interviews himin her capacity as a really bad journalist. It’s so funny. Much funnier than the films. The books are wayyyyy better than the movies.’
‘You always think the books are better,’ Salma says, half smiling, her colour returning to normal.
‘That’s because they are,’ I mutter, resentfully watching my beloved Julianna on screen, laughing with her friends in a way that is all wrong.
Salma leans in closer, looking a little more serious. ‘I think books and book boyfriends are great, pal, but don’t you think…’ She pauses. ‘I don’t know, when did you last go on an actual date with a real life man?’
I shrug, feeling put on the spot. ‘I don’t want to!’ I tell her decisively, then try to make a joke of her question. ‘I’m far too busy fantasizing about fictional men to worry about the real thing! I’ve been ruined by book boyfriends and everyone telling me I should settle.’ I grin. ‘I mean, why settle when there’s a dreamy hero in the next book I pick up?’
Salma regards me silently and I swallow hard. I know what she thinks. She thinks my obsession with fiction is holding me back. We’ve talked about it before. She thinks I hide from real life. Like with my work. She’d say I’ve chosen to stay a research assistant for a ghostwriter because I’m too chicken to try being a writer myself.
From across the room, Clara suddenly starts wailing. ‘Ohhh god no!’ She looks up at me from her phone. ‘Mum’s just messaged to say she’s got me a job interview! Tomorrow!’
‘What?’ I lean forward. ‘Where? How? For what?’
Her voice rises an octave. ‘At Angela’s office!’ She throws her phone down into the sofa cushions. ‘It’s a PA job, working for one of the execs.’ She puts a hand to her chest like there is a chance she will start hyperventilating. ‘This is not what I need right now. I need some time to figure out what I want to do!’ She blinks at the three of us. ‘I’ve just got back here, I’ve had a really bad—’ She stops and looks down.
‘What?’ Salma prods. ‘A bad what?’
Clara looks up innocently. ‘Huh? Oh nothing. I just mean I’m not ready for this. I need more time.’ She sighs and I grimace.
‘Maybe it won’t be as awful as you think,’ I offer supportively. ‘You could get there and love the office and the team! It might be amazing working in the same building as Angela. You could help her and Mum with some wedding planning!’ She makes a face and I add, ‘I’m joking – I don’t think they’ve even started thinking about that yet.’ I pause. ‘At the very least, it’ll be some decent interview practice.’
She sighs again. ‘I guess so.’ She stares longingly at the TV screen. ‘I was just really hoping to dedicate some time to stalking my new crush.’
‘Fair enough,’ Salma says agreeably. ‘And speaking of new crushes…’ She turns to me excitedly. ‘Have you had any more notes from your mysterious book boyfriend?’
I turn red. ‘No! And stop saying it’s a man!’
‘Are you not still writing to each other?’ Clara leans in curiously as I shrug.
The truth is, I haven’t replied to the latest note. I feel weirdabout the whole thing now. This is why I kept it secret for a while – Iknewit would get ruined by everyone else knowing. Now, every time I pick up my writing set to reply, I get all nervous, picturing some too-handsome man reading my silly words and laughing at me.
Clara looks outraged by my lack of enthusiasm. ‘Oh my god, Jim-Jems, youhaveto reply! When do things like this ever happen to people like us? This is such a crazy, magical thing, you have to see what happens. Youmustkeep going!’
‘I will,’ I say casually, staring down in my lap, adding in a low voice, ‘probably.’ I pause. ‘I have to return the book to the library on Wednesday so I would need to do it by then. But I don’t know, I think our conversation may have run its course. I don’t know what else to say.’
‘I agree with Clara, you should keep writing,’ Salma says firmly.
Harry looks horrified. ‘I don’t think you should!’ he says hotly. ‘I mean, this note person could be anyone. It could be some absolute freak.’
Salma smiles serenely. ‘Then it would be a match made in heaven, wouldn’t it?’ I lightly slap her on the arm and Clara shrieks with laughter.
