His lips find mine and it’s like some kind of explosion. I’ve never been kissed like this before. It’s hungry and passionate and there’s tongue and lips and hands everywhere.It’s unlike anything I’ve felt before. I’ve spent the last week kissing every random person I could grab a hold of and the years before that endlessly kissing Alistair – and none of it could compare to this.
The thought of Alistair brings me back to reality. ‘We can’t do this.’ I’m first to pull away but I don’t know how I do it. My head is swimming and my vision is blurry. And when I see the lust on Nick’s face I nearly dive back in again. I want him so much.
But I can’t. It’s not right.
‘I only just broke up with Alistair,’ I say, my voice low and throaty. ‘And you’re his friend, we can’t.’
He regards me intensely.
‘You’re right,’ he says at last. ‘I know you’re right.’ We draw apart properly, both breathing like we ran here. When he speaks again, his voice is determined. ‘OK, we’ll pretend this didn’t happen. We won’t tell anyone. Alist—hedoesn’t have to know.’ He gives me one more long look and my legs feel weak underneath me. ‘But’ – he stares at me – ‘I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep away from you, being at university together for the next three years…’
CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE
‘God, I can’t believe you snogged Nick Wilde from the school football team!’ Alex looks agog and I feel a stab of irritation.
‘I didnotsnog Nick Wilde from the school football team,’ I say, giving her a stern look. ‘I snogged sexy university student and bartender Nick Wilde, thank you. Totally different people. He grew up and reinvented himself. I kissed sensitive and kind Nick Wilde, who had stubble and feelings even at eighteen.’
‘You know what?’ Louise looks contemplative. ‘Men are really complicated, y’know? Like,justas complicated as women.’
‘I think you’re right!’ I nod at her. ‘I’ve been thinking the same lately. I’ve always dismissed men as dickheads who don’t care about anything, but I think men might havelayers. I think they might be struggling with difficult things and life problems, same as us. I mean, look at Rich the Bastard who it turns out wasn’t a bastard at all. He was just a man ina really bad place. And he got help! That’s fucking brave, it really is. Especially when we tell men they’re not allowed to be vulnerable or sad ever.’
‘Exactly,’ Lou says. ‘We’re all in it together. Women don’t get the money, but men don’t get the emotions! We need equal crying just as much as we need equal pay.’
‘Man up, have some balls, don’t be such a girl.’ Bibi shakes her head sadly. ‘The things we say to boys are pathetic, they really are.’
‘Although I do quite enjoybig girl’s blouse,’ I ponder. ‘That’s so evocative. Maybe we could reclaim it, y’know? Make it a good thing? Like, everyone wants to be a big girl’s blouse! How fun to be a big girl’s blouse!’
‘Blouseis a weird word,’ Alex murmurs.
‘We’re all equally blousey!’ Louise responds with passion. ‘Everyone is a blouse.’
‘I think men and women are all just as messed up as each other,’ Bibi says solemnly. ‘It’s not as simple as saying an entire gender are dickheads. We’re all just people; all lonely and scared and trying to survive.’ Alex squeezes her hand tighter.
I nod. ‘That.’ Something occurs to me. ‘I mean, there are definitely exceptions on both sides. Like, Franco is definitely not a blouse. He’s a scumbag.’
Bibi sits up straighter, her face dark. ‘What happened? What did he do?’
‘Huh?’ Alex and Lou lean in, looking confused.
‘He, well, he sort of tried to force himself on me,’ I admit,feeling stupidly ashamed even while knowing I have no reason to feel that way. Lou gasps and puts her arm around me.
‘Fuck,’ Bibi says in a low voice. ‘I’m so sorry, Esther. It’s my fault. I did my best to keep you guys away from him. I’ve been trying to get him fired for months.’
‘Has he done it to you?’ I ask, suddenly afraid. What if I hadn’t got away earlier? What would he have done? What might he have done to Bibi?
Thankfully, she shakes her head. ‘No, but only because he knows I would take a rusty kitchen knife to his testicles.’ She pauses. ‘I already did a bit.’ She looks between us all and sighs. ‘He’s been doing that shit to all the other women who work at the bar. Since long before I started working there. In fact, I was warned about Franco on my first day, but didn’t take it seriously until I walked in on him grabbing one of the women’s arses. She was so upset.’
‘Why didn’t you say anything to us?’ Louise looks horrified.
Bibi casts her eyes down. ‘Because I knew you’d try to get me to quit or do something about him. And, to begin with, I couldn’t afford to lose that job. When I told him to get away from my colleague that time, he cornered me later and said he’d get me sacked if I said a word. I couldn’t have paid my rent without that job and – as you all know – I couldn’t find anything else, despite all my best efforts.’
I reach for her hand and she looks at me gratefully.
‘Then, when I caught him doing it again, I went to see him after hours – holding a knife.’
Oh my god, Bibi is a fuckingbadass.
‘I was just holding it casually,’ she adds quickly when Lou gasps in alarm. ‘Y’know, Iama bartender, it was legitimate that I would be carrying one. Sometimes I have to chop a lime or a lemon! But I didn’t tell him that. I told him if he ever went near any of the other women in the bar, I would come for him. I think he’s genuinely terrified of me now.’
