‘Perhaps you’re right,’ I say slowly, the guilt and regret I feel over Alistair easing off.
‘With a long-term relationship,’ she continues authoritatively, ‘you have to be really honest and open.’
Huh.
I ease her off my shoulder and turn to face her. I can’t keep pretending. I want her to talk to me. I want her to tell me the truth – whatever that might be. And whatever it means for her poor boyfriend, who I’m actually really fond of.
‘Er, like you are with Sven?’ I say it softly, as kindly as I can manage. I don’t want her to feel judged.
She looks down at her drink. ‘OK, yeah, so I haven’t always been, but we’re working on that. I’m getting better.’
‘Youare?!’ I am incredulous. ‘You mean apart from the’ – I’m going to say it, I’m totally going to say it – ‘cheating?’
Louise looks up, her face suddenly unreadable. ‘What?’
‘Come on, Lou,’ I sigh. ‘Who’s really in your bedroom right now? And who have you been secretly texting the last couple of months? You’re cheating on Sven, aren’t you? It’s pretty obvious. Talk to me.’
Something crosses her face and for a moment I think she will start crying. She puts her head in her hands and her body shakes. But no, she is… laughing. Laughing laughing laughing, until she’s vaguely hysterical. I watch, bemused.
I mean… I guess it must be quite a relief to be confronted with it? This is relief, I suppose? She must’ve been dying to tell someone. To confess.
‘I’m notcheatingon Sven!’ she finally chokes out throughher laughter. ‘ItisSven in my room right now, you can go check!’ She calms down a little. ‘Although, please don’t, he’d be very embarrassed in his costume.’
‘Costume?’ I am truly confused now.
‘Yeah!’ she nods enthusiastically. ‘We’ve been doing a lot of roleplay stuff lately. Dressing up and getting into character. It’s a bit embarrassing but it’s really helped our sex life. I feel closer to him than I’ve ever felt. We’re really, truly great.’
‘But what about all the misplaced guilt you were feeling?’ I cry and she looks baffled. ‘Y’know! About my great-uncle Merton? You were obviously feeling bad about something. I thought it was because you were cheating on Sven and were feeling a bit haunted because of it.’
‘No!’ She shakes her head seriously. ‘I genuinely feel really bad about your great-uncle Merton. We were so disrespectful at his funeral.’
‘Really?’ I’m still sceptical.
‘Honestly!’ She’s nodding a lot. ‘And I actually do think he’s haunting me, for the record. I feel haunted. But not emotionally – legitimately!’
I shake my head, trying to understand. ‘But what’s changed?’ I ask. ‘You and Sven have had rubbish sex for years. Where has all this renewed effort come from?’
She looks sombre for a second before answering. ‘It was that thing you said ages ago – at the start of all this.’ She turns away, suddenly shy. ‘You’d just met up with Alistair and I asked if you really thought it was possible to have a different kind of relationship with someone you’d already tried to loveonce. You said yes, and it got me thinking that maybe things could be even better with Sven.’ She laughs lightly. ‘You were trying it seven times, why couldn’t I try it once? Y’know,tryhaving a different kind of relationship with Sven that actually includes the physical intimacy I’ve been missing. And it turns out I could. So easily. He’s such a kind, wonderful person, Esther, and he was so up for trying this with me.’ Lou turns back to me, looking moony. ‘We still have our moments, y’know – nothing is perfect! – but I’m lucky to have Sven, and I’m really grateful for him. We’ve been having so much fun trying out new things and giving each other our undivided attention. It turns out’ – she looks surprised even as she says it – ‘I am completely mad about himandhis penis.’
‘Wow!’ I breathe.
She hangs her head. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t share any of this sooner. And sorry I’ve been so cagey, but I felt silly. It was all a bit too embarrassing to explain the cosplay stuff.’
‘Oh my god, that’s wonderful!’ I shout, giving Louise a huge hug. ‘I’m so happy for you. Go get him dressed – I honestly do not want to see Sven in a sexy costume – and we’ll get drunk together.’
She laughs again, hugging me for an extra minute. ‘I’m sorry about Alistair,’ she whispers into my hair. ‘I’m sorry about the others, too.’
‘It’s OK,’ I tell her and I really do mean it.
She runs to fetch Sven and I realize my phone is buzzing.
Shit.
It’s Katie, and her name sends terrible pulses of guiltthrough me. I want to ignore it so badly. I want to continue pretending nothing is wrong and that I haven’t been behaving like a twat at work lately.
But I have to start growing the fuck up and taking responsibility for my actions. If I’m going to get sacked, Katie doesn’t deserve to as well. I can’t take her down with me. She’s brilliant and I’ve let her down.
‘Hi,’ I answer solemnly. There is no immediate reply. ‘Hello?’ I try again and this time Katie heaves a huge sigh of relief down the line.
