‘Oh my god, you’re so fucking sexy.’ His voice is urgent and low. ‘How could anyone not be seduced by those eyes? You’ve seduced me from across the kitchen, you sexy fucking bitch.’
Bitch? OK, no… no, that’s fine. That’s… it’ssexy. Iwantto be his bitch.
‘You’re a sexy fucking…’ I can’t think what the male equivalent of a bitch is? Prick? Tosser? I’m not sure if that would be OK to say to my boss. I try, ‘Um, you’re a sexy fucking… chef.’ Luckily, he’s panting so hard he misses it.
As he finishes inside me – which I’m totally fine with because I can get the morning-after pill from the twenty-four-hour chemist near my flat – he calls me a whore and it lights something up in me. I’ve never felt so wanted or so used. And I know with every inch of me that I need more.
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
‘Are you in the bath?’ It’s Lou’s soft voice muffled through the door. ‘Can I come in?’
I examine myself, moving thick bubbles strategically over nipples and bush.
‘OK,’ I call out, a little lacklustre. I’m finally washing myself properly, in preparation for a visit to my old workplace in the morning. I’m really not hugely in the mood for a Big Chat.
‘I just wanted to check in with you.’ She comes in wearing pyjamas and a worried expression on her face. It makes me feel worse; patronized and like I’m in this alone. ‘Are you doing OK, Esther bear?’
‘Sure,’ I tell her easily, moving more bubbles around in the water. ‘How about you?’
She perches on the edge of the bath and rubs her eyes a little sleepily.
‘Lou,’ I say, softening. ‘We don’t need to do this now. Go to bed, you’re obviously exhausted.’
‘No, no,’ she yawns. ‘I’m fine. Talk to me. Are you doing OK?’
‘Fine,’ I say robotically. ‘I’m going to visit, um, Carl tomorrow. Y’know, my work mistake? I’m going to A’Diva, the restaurant where we worked together when I was twenty-one. When he was my head chef and I was a lowly trainee!’ I don’t fill in the blanks; that he no longer works there. That he’s left under a mysterious cloud. ‘Oh, plus, Alistair is still messaging a lot, so it really doesn’t seem like he’sthatinto this girlfriend.’ I smile as brightly as I can manage. She looks dubious so I add quickly, ‘It’s all really great. I’m so glad all of this has happened! I have options at last. I haven’t had options for years!’ I tinkle and Lou attempts a smile.
‘That’s good,’ she says kindly. ‘I guess I… I mean, yes, great, that’s very good.’ She pauses and I wait. We both wait silently.
I break first.
‘Have you heard much from her?’ There’s no point pretending she doesn’t know who I mean but she takes a second to answer, clearing her throat.
‘A little,’ she nods awkwardly. ‘Not loads, to be honest. I don’t think she wants you to feel like I’m taking sides.’
I look up so I can clearly watch her face. ‘Areyou taking sides?’
‘Of course not!’ She looks appalled.
Fuck. I was really hoping she would take sides and that – obviously – it would be mine.
‘She’s, er…’ Lou coughs again lightly. ‘She’s had a job offer!’
‘Oh right.’ I don’t know how to react to this. I know Bibi’s been job hunting for ages, but the one time I’m not rooting for her to get a job, it comes together. She gets to screw me over, steal my oldest friend, risk something I spent years hurting over – she even gets to have a relationship, something I’ve been desperately chasing for months with a full-on fuckingmission. And now she’s also got a brand new exciting job on top of everything. Good old Bibi, always landing on her feet. ‘Well,’ I add begrudgingly, ‘that’s nice for her, I suppose. Isn’t she the lucky one.’
Louise looks uncomfortable and we fall back into silence. I wish she’d go away. I wish she’d just leave me alone. I know she’s trying to be nice but this isn’t the kind of nice I need right now. I need the kind of unconditional nice that tells me I’m a million per cent right in all this. The kind of nice that fully takes my side and tells me what a fucking bitch Bibi is being. I need a friend to slag her off with me and dissect her personality with. To point out all of Bibi’s frostiness and rudeness I never particularly minded until all this.
I pick up a flannel and lay it across my face. Partly so Lou might take the hint and go, and partly because I want to stop any potential tears in their track.
She ignores the signal.
‘Oh, so by the way,’ she begins fairly cheerfully, changing tack, ‘I still think Great-Uncle Merlin is haunting me. I fell over on stage in an audition earlier and I swear it was because some ghostly hands gave me a little shove!’
I really don’t think I have the energy right now for Louise’s misplaced guilt – or whatever it is.
‘Oh dear,’ I murmur from under my flannel. It actually smells pretty bad. I think someone must’ve left it out wet and scrunched up, it’s all damp smelling. But if I remove it now, Lou will think I’m up for chatting about this shit. Must be polite, though. ‘So you don’t think you got the part?’
I feel her shake her head and silence descends again.
