Bibi wouldn’t have sex with Alex! Alex wouldn’t have sex with Bibi. They wouldn’t do that to me. Bibi wouldn’t sleep with my ex and my ex wouldn’t sleep with my best friend!
Never mind that we’ve all only just survived and recovered from the last disastrous inter-circle sexing, it would also be the worst idea ever. It would ruin everything! They know I’d never forgive them! Plus, Bibi hates Alex!
Ha. Ha. Ha. How ridiculous and funny that it looks very, very, very much like these two are sneaking around, caught out in a lovers’ tryst.
I search my brain for what else this could be. What else could explain this? Because they definitely, definitely, DEFINITELY are not having sex with each other.
‘Um, Esther.’ Alex is first to speak and she does so in a tone much like she would use with a five-year-old who has just hurt her knee. ‘Listen, um…’ she trails off and I fight the urge to laugh again.
Just explain it!I want to scream as I look expectantly between them. Just tell me the very plausible reason for all this. Did the toilet break again, soaking Alex’s pyjamas, along with all of Lou’s spare pairs? Did she accidentally take Bibi’s bear dressing gown thinking it was Lou’s or mine, and here Bibi is to demand it back? Or maybe both AlexandBibi are sleepwalking and are just as confused about all this as me right now.
Why aren’t they saying anything? I swallow hard as Bibi looks away. Bibi never looks away. She’s always confronting, always honest – brutally so – and always, always looks you dead in the eye.
It hits me fully then and my chest catches, unable to pull in oxygen.
I run to Lou’s room, flinging open the door. I just need to see for myself that Alex isn’t in there. A part of me is still sure I’ll find Lou passed out across the bed, the TV still playing13 Going on 30, surrounded by discarded sweet wrappers.
But no. Lou is alone, asleep in her bed. No chocolate remains, no nothing.
She opens her eyes, bleary and confused. ‘Whasss—’ she half forms the question and I tell her.
‘Bibi and Alex fucked.’ My voice is calm as Lou blinks harder, trying to understand my words. My hand still on Lou’s door handle, I turn back to Alex and Bibi. They are standing stock-still, a foot apart, shame radiating off them. ‘Or…’ I pause politely, as if making small talk with strangers in a lift. ‘Sorry, I shouldn’t assume, should I? Are you fucking? Fucked or fucking? Has this been going on behind our backs for a while?’ I wait patiently, looking between them. They still won’t meet my eyes but the answer is clear.
‘FuckING it is!’ I declare and my voice is no longer calm or quiet. ‘Hear that, Louise? My ex and my best friend are fuckING. Tonight is apparently not the first time. They’ve been lying and hiding it from us for probably ages!’ I briefly consider Sofia upstairs and Ivan downstairs. But I am tooangry to stop. I raise my voice louder. ‘Bibi’s been pretending to barely tolerate Alex, all the while doing this.’ I glance at Alex’s face. She’s ashen and blank. ‘I don’t even fucking KNOW you.’ I notice my hands are trembling as I struggle to comprehend Alex and Bibi’s lack of response.
Surely they’re not? After so many years of lost friendship with my childhood best friend – all because I did this stupid thing – and Bibi goes right in and does the very same thing again. Without a word. Without giving a second shit about me.
‘Howcouldyou?’ I try again, my voice shaking. ‘Are you seriously fucking telling me this is happening? That you’d lie and jeopardize everything?’ I start to scream. ‘EVERYTHING?YOU’RE SERIOUS?’
It’s Alex who tries to stop me first. She steps forward, reaching for me.
‘Esther,’ she begins slowly as if I don’t know my name. ‘Please don’t be like this. I’m so sorry we didn’t tell you or talk to you about this. I—’
‘Get a-fucking-way from me.’ I step back, hands raised to stop her. I’m so angry with Alex, but it’s Bibi I can’t believe. ‘You have nothing to say then?’ I direct my full fury at her and she shakes her head. ‘You’re not even going to say sorry or tell me you made a mistake and you won’t do it again?’ I am yelling again but she remains unmoved. I want to tell her – tell them both – to get the hell out of this house. But it’s Bibi’s house, too.
Fine then, I’ll go!
But I have nowheretogo. No boyfriend or partner or husband to save me from this horrible, horrible situation.
‘I can’t believe you would do this to me.’ I spit the last words in Bibi’s direction before turning on my heel. I stomp down the hallway, slamming my bedroom door behind me and locking it, before collapsing on the bed. I feel the tears begin right away, coursing down my face and into the pillow like they’ll never stop.
So much for sleep.
CHAPTER THIRTY
I’ve talked myself into thinking the knock won’t come, so when it does, I forget myself.
‘Yes?’ I call out in a sing-song voice. Ugh. Idiot, it’s only been twelve hours since the blow up, I meant to sound raging. ‘What is it?’ I add sharply.
‘Can I come in?’ It’s Bibi, of course it’s Bibi, and her voice sends a miserable shiver through me. There are so many important, brilliant moments and memories associated with that raspy voice. And she’s ruined each and every one.
‘No, get lost,’ I shout, knowing I will use it as further ammunition if she really does get lost.
‘Let me in.’ She doesn’t sound annoyed, which is annoying. I want to fight her.
‘Why?’ I am being churlish but I don’t care.
‘I want to talk to you,’ she says in the same ever-patient tone. I sigh, waiting. After a moment she adds, ‘I’m not going anywhere, so you might as well let me in.’
