I hand over the computer with the open email on screen. ‘Idris replied,’ I pronounce furiously.
‘Wow.’ She rubs her eyes. ‘He took his time.’ She takes the laptop, scanning the contents before finally looking up. ‘What a nice guy,’ she says before taking in my thunderous face. ‘Er, I mean, what a complete tosser! Um, who even saysbest wishes?’
‘That’s what I thought!’ I wail, bringing a bleary-eyed Lou out of her bedroom next door.
‘Idris is fuckinghappy!’ I tell her.
‘He’s what?’ she frowns, pulling her dressing gown tighter around herself. I catch a glimpse of a silky nightie underneath. Lucky Sven. I hope.
‘He’s HAPPY!’ I shout, taking my computer from Bibi and shoving it in Lou’s direction now.
She blinks for a minute, squinting at the screen.
‘Aw, what a lovely email!’ she says at last, smiling andhanding the laptop back to me. Her smile falters at my nose flare and she hesitantly adds, ‘I mean… um, what a…’ – she anxiously studies my face – ‘… meanie?’
‘Yes! Exactly!’ My nostrils de-flare. ‘He’s so out of order! He can’t wait to tell me how great his life is with this dickhead,Amy! What a smug twat. I bet they’re having engagement photos done right this minute and he’ll forward me a link so I can see them both up close, throwing each other up in the air and fake laughing. What a couple of bellends.’
‘Oh dear.’ Lou scrunches up her face. ‘So, is that it then? You’re not going to message him back? Or try to persuade him to talk?’
‘I have more pride than that!’ I sniff. She doesn’t look convinced, so I add, ‘Yes, it’s totally done, Lou! I never even really wanted to see him in the first place. I thought he’d want to see me, I was trying to do him afavour.I was being kind.’
‘Er, right,kind,’ Lou nods slowly.
‘I’m going back to bed,’ Bibi says abruptly, returning to her room and shutting the door firmly.
‘Bit rude,’ I mutter to Lou who looks surprised, too. ‘Is it me, or she acting a bit secretive at the moment?’
Lou seems panicked at the suggestion. ‘No!’ she says too quickly. ‘I mean, not particularly. Maybe?’ she continues in a hushed voice. ‘And if she is, that’s fine! Secretive is allowed! Maybe she has a job interview coming up or something, but doesn’t want us to know about it yet. She’s had so manydisappointments, it must get her down, telling us about each and every single one. And…’ – she pauses – ‘like, I dunno, sometimes we don’t always want to share things with our best friends until they’re a done deal, y’know?’ I give her a weird look and she stares down at the floor, retying her dressing gown cord. ‘Right, I might go back to bed now, too, actually. So sorry Idris has been such a… er, arse?’ She says the insult like it’s a question, so I nod. ‘But at least you got an answer, right?’
‘I guess so,’ I reply begrudgingly. ‘OK, yeah, go back to bed. Sorry to disturb your morning.’ I wave in the direction of her room and the panicked look returns.
‘You’re not disturbing anything!’ Her voice is high. ‘I’m just tired and don’t have any auditions today!’ A beat of tense silence follows and I nod, quashing my follow-up questions.
‘I better go track down Carl then,’ I say at last, reluctantly.
She nods quickly. ‘Yes, best to keep moving with it, I guess.’ She opens her door just enough for her to slide her body through. ‘See you later. Have a good day at work!’
She shuts the door, locking it, and I’m left alone, feeling a bit bereft. I really needed more from my two best friends. Idris was my whole world for such a long time. And I know it was my fault it ended but it still stings.
That night we broke up was one of the most painful of my life. After the initial apologies and a whole lot of crying, we spent all night talking. There was more crying, some sex, and so many horrible questions. He wanted to know everything; every nasty, weak, horrible detail.
I can still picture his angelic face now, all swollen and wet, his eyes so sore-looking. And then came the worst of it, as it started to get light outside, when he offered to forgive me.
When I came back from the loo and he was standing there, framed in the doorway looking at me with this gut-wrenching expression on his face. And he said, ‘I think I can let it go, I don’t want us to break up.’ I wanted to say thank you and pull him close and marry him and have children and a life with him. I wanted to do all the things I knew would make him happy, forever.
But I also knew I couldn’t. I’d damaged us too much. What I’d done would never go away. And the truth was I didn’t want to be forgiven. I wanted him to push me away and end it. I wanted him to hate me. It’s why I did it really, I know that now. I did that awful thing so he would dump me.
I needed Bibi and Louise to see all that. To comfort me and lie to me more convincingly about Idris. I needed enthusiastic advice on messaging Carl to help distract me from the rejection.
Maybe they’re bored of this mission? Ithasbeen taking things over a bit lately. I’ve ignored the rest of my life to focus on this. I’m sacrificing so much at the altar of this fucking mission.
But I need them. After such a strong start, it feels like maybe the last couple of exes are both going to rebuff me. Maybe the last part of my romantic life is too recent to bring back up. Too raw. Too full of knobbers like Idris and his best wishes.
Sigh.
Of course, the better – more rational – part of me knows it was an incredibly kind email. Way more generous than I deserved. And somewhere in me I’m pleased that Idris has found happiness. This Amy woman certainly sounds like a much more decent person than I ever was. And it’s all he ever wanted, isn’t it? To meet someone sweet and get married. He deserves all that and so much more. He was a good person who always treated me so nicely. And I was awful to him in the end. His email was actually very lovely to a person who discarded him years ago and is now trying to shoulder-barge back into his life without even much of a reason or purpose. Would I really have wanted to get back with him? Let’s face it, probably not. I should be grateful he’s been so decent.
Ooh, I know, I’ll message Alex. She never even knew Idris. If I tell her he was an arsehole, she’ll believe me and slag him off with me.
