‘So,’ she begins smoothly, ‘you were saying about Will? How it started off as just some flirty messages?’
‘Yeah,’ I nod slowly. ‘I was telling myself the whole time that I had no reason to feel bad. This guy was a stranger and it was just some harmless banter! It wasn’t like I was cheating on Idris! But something in me knew it wasn’t right.’ I pause, remembering the first night of DM’ing with Will, where I realized the flirting was getting out of hand. ‘Do you remember when Idris had just moved into my room in the flat?’ I ask Lou and she nods. ‘We’d been together about two and a half years by that point. Things seemed great, he was wonderful, and you and Bibi both adored him.’
‘Oh, he was the loveliest flatmate,’ she beams. ‘He always put the loo seat down and did his washing up. He was great.’
‘Better than me,’ I agree, feeling sad. ‘Anyway, there was a night not long after I’d started flirting with Will, when I heard Iddy arriving home from work. I checked the time and realized I’d been chatting – flirting – with this stranger for literally six hours straight. I remember being shocked and horrified at myself. Like, I knew that wasn’t cool or fair to my boyfriend!’ I watch Bibi’s breathing for a moment. ‘And then,when Idris fell asleep, I went right back online and carried on chatting to Will. I hated myself but I couldn’t stop.’
Louise doesn’t reply for a minute. ‘It’s understandable,’ she says at last.
‘But it’s not really!’ I argue, looking at her askance. ‘It was really shitty! I told myself I’d block Will after that – I told myself that so many times – but I didn’t. It ended up being just the start of things. Just the start of my awful behaviour.’
In Louise’s lap her phone vibrates with a text. She checks, but puts it back quickly, this time face down. I wait for her to say something but she doesn’t. She just stares down. ‘What were you up to before Bibi ruined everyone’s night?’ I ask politely.
‘Oh, er, nothing,’ she says in an odd voice. I glance over again but she’s still looking away, taking in the other patients dotted around the waiting room. ‘Just chatting to Sven on Zoom.’
‘How are things between you guys?’ I am genuinely curious.
‘Great!’ she says too quickly. ‘So what are we going to do about Bibi and Alex, eh?’
The distraction works.
Alex has been over a lot in the month or so since we resolved things, and it’s been fucking excellent. We’re all good friends again. The only problem has been Bibi. She’s still being openly hostile and awkward around Alex. Alex tries to make an effort and seems completely bewildered by Bibi’s attitude towards her, but hasn’t said anything directlyto me. I guess she’s afraid to rock the boat, same as us. To be honest, Lou and I are at our wit’s end.
‘I really don’t know,’ I sigh. ‘I’ve tried really hard to talk to Bibi about it, but she’s just so threatened and pissed off about everything. She thinks we’re going to bestolenby Alex or something. Which would make sense if Alex was being a bitch back, but she’s been nothing but lovely to Bibi! It’s really juvenile, we’re not toys to bicker over.’ Between us, Bibi suddenly snores very loudly. ‘Do you think maybe she just needs to get some sex, or something?’
‘Maybe.’ Louise thinks about it for a moment. ‘But she’s so stubborn about being single. Always insisting she loves it.’
‘Maybe we could fix her up with a hot doctor or nurse tonight,’ I cackle. ‘Might as well make use of the time while we’re stuck here.’
‘Or maybe we just lock her and Alex in a room together!’ Lou sits up eagerly and it knocks her phone in my direction. Before she grabs it, putting it firmly in her bag, I spot what looks like a familiar name on the screen. It was upside down and only a glimpse but it looked a lot like ‘Nick’. I only know one Nick, but it couldn’t bethatNick, not the Nick sitting outside in the car, surely…
Bibi wakes with a start. ‘I DIDN’T GET THE JOB,’ she slur-shouts into the room, before falling asleep again.
‘What?’ Lou blinks before looking up at me.
‘Her job interview last week,’ I realize with some sadness.
‘Do you think that was true?’ Lou asks. ‘She didn’t tell us that she’d heard anything?’ Her phone vibrates in her bag again.
‘Me neither,’ I say, feeling suddenly so miserable for Bibi. I know she was really hopeful with this one. ‘Maybe it’s not true. She has drunk a fuck ton of Night Nurse.’ I pause. ‘But if it is, I really don’t know what to say. This job search of hers seems endless, it must be really dragging her down.’
‘Even more reason to get her some sex,’ Lou smiles, before turning to me thoughtfully. ‘Speaking of sex, any word from Paul? And how’s your “friendship” with Alistair going?’ She giggles impishly, stroking Bibi’s arm affectionately as I consider how I will answer her question.
‘Paul is still away, but he’s texting a lot,’ I tell her. ‘We’ll definitely meet up when he’s back. I can’t wait, honestly.’
‘And Alistair?’ she prompts impatiently.
I picture Alistair’s lovely face and try not to feel guilty about the feelings it brings up. ‘We had a coffee the other day during my lunch break at work. He was telling me about this guy he’d arrested for stealing a milk float and joyriding it all over Hackney.’
Louise gapes. ‘Milk floats still exist?’ She recovers her composure.
‘They deliver artisan cheese,’ I say as explanation.
‘Did you talk about seeing each other again?’
We did, and I feel a wave of guilt about it and then another at how much I want to see him again. There is something between us, but I’m afraid of what might happen, and how terrible I’d feel if it did, knowing he has someone at home.
Maybe Louise is right, maybe I should stop the missionnow. What if I’m messing with too many lives here? Too many lives and too many emotions.
