‘Are you sure?’ I say, worried. ‘I could come with you?’
‘No, no,’ she says nicely. ‘I think I just need a little quiet time on my own. I need to stretch my legs after thatmassive flight, wedged into that middle seat – and then again in the taxi. I won’t be long, and then we can get a drink and plan what we’re going to do for the rest of this week. I’m excited! I promise I won’t spend the whole time being a weepy,wail-y mess!’
She kisses me on the cheek, giving my arm a last squeeze and heads briskly for the door.
Eva has never liked getting emotional infront of me. Or anyone. I’m guessing she is going somewhere quiet to cry some more. I have learnt over the years to just let her go in these situations.
The door shuts and I sit heavily on the bed again. What a selfish bitch I’ve been. Just because my friend is doing new things with her life doesn’t mean I have to lose her. Sure, things will change – that is life – but we will always haveeach other. And I am excited about being the best Auntie Alice ever.
But what about Jeremy? I can’t believe I didn’t realise things were this bad. Or bad at all! I’ve been swanning about, ignoring Eva when she needed to talk. Maybe if she had me to talk to, she wouldn’t have needed Jeremy so much. We all need different people for different things in our lives, right? Without me around to talkto, and with Eva going through so much, how could thingsnotstart imploding with Jeremy?
A buzzing interrupts my thought process and I realise Eva’s left her phone on the bed.
CallerIDsays it’s him. It’s Jeremy. I take a deep breath and I answer.
‘Jeremy?’ I say and there is a pause on the end of the line. ‘Alice?’ he says, hesitantly.
‘Yeah,’ I say heavily, unsure. ‘It’sme.’
‘Does Eva not want to talk to me?’ His voice breaks and I clock how wretched he sounds.
‘Oh, it’s not that,’ I say hurriedly. ‘She’s just popped out for a walk. She forgot her phone, she won’t be long. Are you doingOK, Jeremy?’
There is a long, dark silence and I realise he’s crying. ‘Not really,’ he says simply. ‘I guess she told you she broke up with me?’
‘Yeah. Yeah, shedid. I’m really sorry.’ I don’t know what else to say.
‘I didn’t know anything was wrong!’ he says through his tears. ‘She has been a bit quiet lately, and I know she’s found it strange with her body changing and everything, but I laughed that off. Of course her body was going to change! I didn’t think she was being serious.’
For a moment I am annoyed with him. How could he not know hispartner was going through a big thing? And how could he think it was just that simple! Isn’t it his job to know she was suffering?
The flare of anger fades just as quickly as I realise I had no idea she was struggling either. I had no clue. She’s very good at hiding things and I have no right to judge. If Eva wasn’t talking – wasn’t explaining how she felt – how was he supposed to help heror change things?
There’s a weird onus we put on each other in relationships, an expectation that our loved ones should be able to guess what is wrong with us from tiny hints – but how? Really, how? How is anyone supposed to know what’s happening in anyone else’s head? Why can’t we just talk to each other? Be honest and explain what we need? If we could start asking for help, the world wouldbe a much better, easier place to live in.
‘I think it’s more than just her body changing,’ I say quietly. ‘It’s about her whole life changing. I think she’s afraid of things changing with you as well, Jeremy.’
He is silent and I think he might be crying again. ‘I love her so much, Alice, I am so in love with her. You know that, don’t you?’
And suddenly I do. I really do. Of coursehe loves her, and of course she loves him. Truly, madly, deeply. I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to fully understand that. I’ve been dismissing Jeremy as atime-killer boyfriend – as another boring, faceless man passing through our lives – but he’s much more than that. Eva’s not settling just because she’s thirty. She hasn’t chosen Jeremy just because he came along at the right time, orfor any othermean-spirited reason I decided because I was jealous. She adores him. From the moment they met, they’ve made each other happy. I’m a stupid moron, a jealous cow. It’s as simple as that. I had Eva all to myself before, and then I didn’t any more, and I was a petty, spiteful little witch wanting things to go back to how they were before. It’s pathetic and I am so, so ashamed of myself.
I sigh, feeling wretched. ‘Jeremy, of course I know that, and I’m sorry if I’ve ever been less than welcoming to you. I know Eva loves you, too. I think she’s just going through a thing right now.’ I pause. ‘I really hope you two can work it out. I mean that. But I promise I’ll look after her while she’s out here, I really will.’
There is another long silence on the phone, but this oneis like along-distance hug. Anentente cordialedown the phone, after so many months of awkward civility.
‘I’ll tell her you called,’ I say simply at last.
‘Thank you, Alice,’ he replies and we stay on the line a few more seconds before hanging up.
